Wednesday, December 31, 2008

F%$k A Clean December

I'm almost free of Clean December. I can finally curse again on my blog.

I hope everybody has a Happy New Year. I'll be partying of course. Have you ever wondered what it was like on December 31, 1699. I'm sure the party was lame. Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Reflections

This year is almost over and it's been quite a year like every year. With all the stuff that happens to me it makes not want to look forward to another year, but you have to look forward to something. So let me reflect on the good, the bad, and the fugly.

I started the year as a redneck by being one step away from chewing tobacco. Luckily it was a short phase.

Joined a suicide support group and left it. At least I met somebody. That had to be the best break up this year. I still feel a little bad about it. Let me recap. While going to my suicide support group I met a woman while she was leaving her alcoholic anonymous group. I should've known it wouldn't last being a repeated casual drinker. Then I had to nerve to take a recovering alcoholic to a bar to watch me drink. I was testing her resistance. We ended up breaking up and she stopped going to her meetings and I never heard or saw her again. It was a weird relationship.

Getting in fights with my wheelchair co-worker.

Getting in a relationship with a woman already taken. They seem to always end badly.

Finding the girl of my dreams again and realizing she was wasn't, again.

As of now, I'm still in a relationship. So with that, another relation and another year. Let's make it a good 2009.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

They Finally Left.......

.....the voices in my head and my family.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas @ The Movies

I took my parents to see The Spirit. They were not amused.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Family Togetherness: Bite Me

This is turning out to be one big family get together. I picked up my parents from the airport yesterday and they told me to drop them off at the hotel because they had a room. I didn't complain. Parents not crashing at my place isn't bad at all. But it turns out that everybody was coming here this Christmas including my sister and my brother and my other brother and his family. So to have space they just got a hotel room with a few rooms. It's not a cheap motel, it's pretty nice. I wanna be in the hotel too. My parents went food shopping and now my fridge is stocked with food. It's going to be a big day tomorrow. It's been awhile since the entire family has been together. I guess it'll be cool.

Merry Christmas everybody. I still don't know how giving out gifts has anything to do with Christmas, but why am I complaining, if someone is going to give me something for free I'm gonna take it. So I'm going to say Merry Christmas even though people don't say it because the person may not celebrate Christmas, grow up.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Great News

Since I went on my anti Unthanksgiving rant and not spending the holidays with the fam, they decided to come here this Christmas. This way I can't escape. They seem to have waited until the last minute so I couldn't lie and make plans of leaving town. I'm picking them up at the airport on Tuesday. They're staying until freakin Sunday, but I have to keep December clean! Need to stock up on Egg Nog and Rum, plenty of Rum.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

SHAM ~ WOW

I used Shamwow to clean the blood off my floor after I killed 91 people, and I didn't have to squeeze the blood out once!


Infomercials crack me up.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Shopping

I have to go Christmas shopping. They'll know I don't care if they receive their regifts after Christmas again.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Still The Biggest


Mother Nature is such a whore.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Must be the Shoes


You know, I'm going to miss the Bush. I don't think Obama will be as funny acting as Bush.

Friday, December 12, 2008

I Got The Biggest


HAPPY FRIDAYS!

Immature male chickens of less than a year's age are called cockerels. The oldest term is "cock", from Old English coc. But because "cock" is often used as a slang term referring to the penis, this term is generally avoided for the sake of both propriety and clarity, although it remains accurate.

Still a clean December!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Unhappy Belated

Leave your spirit genocide
The cancer you won’t remove
We cast our funeral rose inside
And bury the need to prove

Our mutilation is to gain from the system

The greatest artist to ever live. Twenty four days late, but better late then never. Well wishes to his family and fans, we all still miss ya Jeff.

I know I talk about Jeff Buckley a lot on my blog, but his lyrics speak my soul. Take a listen if you haven't heard of him.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

A Prapa Update

I was a little down yesterday but today I feel freakin' not as unhappy!

I have this taste of blood everytime I cough, but when I spit I don't see the blood, except that one time. Should I get that checked out?

So besides the possible internal bleeding, life is going pretty darn well. The girl I'm seeing I see as more of a fling. So I'm not looking for anything long term. Looking at my track history, I don't think I have a choice. As for kimmyk calling me a cheater.....technically, yes, but I cheat when I feel obligated to. I try not to cheat, really. But heartbroken and tears falling from my eyes, I run into the arms of another woman or stripper, which ever I see first. Basically I cheat when the girl cheats on me and I just do it for revenge. I just tend to attract cheaters or weird girls. Guess I'm a glutton for a constant punishment (insert dominatrix joke here). Who knows, this girl might turn out to be my wife, well lets not think too far ahead.

But kimmy gave me a great idea. My brother and I haven't had a good revenge lately. The camp trip was a bust. I was expecting the worse but got the best. My bro reads the blog sometimes so he might catch wind before it happens so I have to keep the "possible" revenge til after it "may happen". But who are we kidding, the revenge whenever it happens will be sweet.

I have this cold so I feel kinda out of it too for the past few days. I'm going to drink myself silly this weekend with some kind of beverage that gives you hallucinations, wish me luck!

Monday, December 08, 2008

Update

It's hard being happy. This month is not a good month for me so far, but I'm destined to keep December the only good month of happy thoughts of post ever on my blog. I've been writing almost everyday, but I haven't posted a single thing yet since it's all unhappy. I will post everything come Jan 1.

As for a happy update I met somebody. And I get this sense that she isn't a cheater. Well, that's about it.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

HAPPY fucking HAPPY

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck I will stop cursing on my blog starting fucking tomorrow. I have to get all the fucking vulgarities out of my shit laced tongue. I can't say that I'm a pussy magnet anymore. I can't say bitches or ho's. I can't described my sexual exploits in detail. The blog will be alcohol free, but do note that I will not. Depression is out the fucking door. The gun and meds will be underneath my bed hidden from sight. Nothing but fucking happy thoughts from the 1st-31st. The blog will be G-Rated, just cover up the title. No more dick jokes. No more making fun of fugly people. No more road rage rants. No more jokes about STDs or taking drugs.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Take Your Land Day

It's like some stranger came into your house and said, "Hey, this looks nice. Here's the deal, I'll take your house and send you in the middle of the woods to live your life". Somewhere in the united states, an indian is crying. I feel your pain. I wish I wasn't here either.

I'm just going to hangout with friends and order Chinese, no skibs. The other restuarants that are actually open on Thanksgiving would probably spit or jack off in the food because they had to work and some asshole comes in to order food.

And on that note, I wish you guys a Happy T-Giving Day. Even though I hate the holidays and how the united states commercializes it makes me sick........I forgot what I was going to say. Fuck it, Happy Holidays.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Goin' Skibbin'

I not a frequent skibber. In fact, I haven't skibbed in years. It's really juvenile and immature but fun as hell! Skibbing is what we call bill skipping.

Tips for a perfect skibbin':
  1. Have a seat next to the door
  2. Don't do it locally
  3. Leave one at a time leaving 2 people at the table
  4. One person goes to the bathroom and 5 minutes later the other person leaves.
  5. The last person their in the bathroom has it the hardest. If they haven't caught on then it should be easy. If they have caught on then they have to act shocked and act like they couldn't believe their friends left them. Then when they least expect it, run out the door.

Not that I know a lot about skibbin, but I heard from a friend of a friend. I refused to be the last man standing. If you're friends like you then they'll be waiting for you. I remember one time it was so fucking funny! We were eating and everybody voted to skib. I couldn't afford the meal so I had to participate. The people caught on to the "last man standing". As our friend was running out of the restaurant, the waiters started running after him. We were all asking each other, "should we wait or should we run, should we wait or should we run". We said fuck it, and we were gone. We felt so bad. We decided that if he did go to jail then we will have to bail him out. Luckily he made it but he didn't talk to us for weeks.

But I don't skib anymore. But tough economic times are getting pretty crazy, and I'm always up for a good laugh. Being arrested for skibbing on thanksgiving would so kick ass! We'll see.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Not Home For The Holidays

I'm not celebrating Thanksgiving with my family this year. Actually I'm not even going to celebrate Thanksgiving period. I'll save my antithanksgiving speech for the holiday like I do every year. Since this thanksgiving is going to be more of a solo event with my parents, they decided to spend it in Florida with their relatives as well as my sister. I'll have something planned this Thursday.

Ant Boy

Waking up in bed in a cold sweat as a kid feeling these things crawling on my leg. Lifting up the sheet and seeing in horror my lower body covered in millions of ants. In shock so bad I couldn't speak, I tried to get them off. It was dark and I couldn't see all that well. Running into my parents room screaming and crying about being covered in ants. My parents assured me that the ants were not on me. They went with me back to my room to confirm, and to my shock, the ants were not their either. Being part my imagination was the last thing on my mind. Wondering how the ants disappeared so fast was bugging me. They left the room and I looked under the bed and under the pillows and under the sheets to try and find one single ant to prove my theory correct. Perhaps it was all in my head or could they be millions of ants just waiting for me to fall asleep. Watching the Discovery Channel or having the neighborhood bully bother me that day probably had some impact on my dream. Or the ants could've had a deeper meaning as a kid. Being held down by a million things with no escape that all have the power to bring me down with one single millionth bite. Nor sweet dream or nightmare can rid me of this horror. Pulling the sheet over my head was my only sanctuary. Afraid to look down in fear of the ants returning, I closed my eyes hard and swore to never open them until morning.

To this day I still believe their was at least one ant in my bed that night.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Where's My Free Dr. Pepper?

I hate the fucking taste, but tasting shit for free is cool.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Thnksgvng

I need to think about where I want to spend Thanksgiving this year. My brother is spending it with his wife's fam, my other brother just isn't going and my sister will most likely be there. By going I will have to deal with my dad's political talk and I know this year he has a lot to say, then I we will end up getting into an argument that leads to something totally different from what the conversation was about and he would wonder why I'm not doing better things in my life and Mom would start crying thinking about how things used to be. But this year may be different. Nah, the samething last year is still going on this year pretty much.

The other option is getting together with my friends and just celebrating Thanksgiving here. Decisions decisions. I can't blame the gas for me not going since it's around $2 now. I'm leading to more of just spending it with friends instead of fam. We'll see how far depressed I am next week.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Soap Taster

I think I have a problem. Besides drinking and promiscuous sex, I think I have a foul mouth. Like look at the title "You Sick Fucking Bastard", it kind of speaks for itself. The many times I've been popped in the mouth by my grandparents for cursing under my breath. I'm really a disrespectful son of a bitch, but I don't mean it. I guess I'm a cursexalcoholic (cur-sex-al-co-hol-ic).

Coming this December, the entire month will be curse word free, sex free and alcohol free month. Not to say I won't participate in this during this time, I just won't talk about it, as well as death. I'm all deathed out right now. So no more depression talk for December. So probably expect "Merry Christmas" to be my only post for December. Posting without talking about sex and drinking and cursing on New Years Eve is going to be hard, but I will do it. I'll have to come up with some code words instead of going out and saying it.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Suicide Rate Goes Up In Tough Economic Times

Good Times.
Any time you meet a payment. - Good Times.
Any time you need a friend. - Good Times.
Any time you’re out from under.
Not getting hassled, not getting hustled.
Keepin’ your head above water,
Making a wave when you can.

Temporary lay offs. - Good Times.
Easy credit rip offs. - Good Times.
Scratchin’ and surviving. - Good Times.
Hangin in a chow line - Good Times.
Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em - Good Times.

Flashback

One time when I was a kid, I had way too much sugar and I attempted to do a back flip blindfolded with no hands. 1st attempt and only attempt, I fucked up badly. I landed on my head. I felt this numbness in my head that started to work itself down my body. My brother was just looking at me laying on the ground in a daze and laughed. It hurt so bad. But I didn't cry. I was holding it in to show I was tough. But I landed on my head. Head injuries are the worst.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Bitches Ain't Shit

My ex girlfriend officially found out I was cheating. I still wish I decided to keep it going. It would've been more satisfying. She came to my place and started asking these questions out of nowhere. She came out and said that she was cheating on me. She told me that she hopes I get AID's. What is up with all this anger? She fucking cheated on me! Then she started screaming all sorts of obscenities. Funny, she was the silent type at first. Glad to see her mouth can do other things than suck dick, but really, can she really be that angry at me? She brought it on herself. I'm too pissed off to say anything else. I'm out.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Feel The Burn


My 12 pack abs are more of a half a pack. This time I'm actually exercising again. No slacking off, for reals. Plus you meet a lot of hot chicks when you exercise. Still waiting on that theory to work out.

Give this exercise thing another month and I'll be through. All these beers I'm drinking is giving me a beer belly and probably killing me slowly so I felt their was a need for a change or in this case, something extra. I can't stop the drinking.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Hells To The Yeah

Sticking aluminum foil in a glass bottle and filling it with gasoline and putting inside a microwave.

Life is boring so I guess I'll give an update.

Voting girl was a dud. Her laugh was annoying. I can't continue a relationship with that laugh. Her laugh is like trying to laugh while choking to death. I accidentally lost her phone number.

I'm thinking about becoming a vegetarian. Start buying more weed and eating more shrooms.

I didn't have a drink at all this weekend. I've been sober for two days and I'm proud of myself. I plan on celebrating life without alcohol this coming weekend with a keg of Zima.

I don't think I'm gonna make it to 1000 post by the end of the year. I'm like 200 posts behind. With such riveting things going in my life now I'll have 200 more to go.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Why?

I know this is petty but me and old people really don't get along. Yesterday I was at the grocery store waiting in line buying a few simple damn thing. I had in front of me a old hag who didn't know how to use the debit swiper. How hard is it to use it? What couldn't she understand about if she wants cash back or not? Then I had soccer mom trying to buy something that wouldn't scan so they had to do a price check. Turned out the damn thing wasn't for sale and was for display only. Then she tried to negotiate to try and get it for free. Now this is the new anger free bastard. Normally I would just tell her to get the fuck out of the line. But I didn't. I was so proud of myself, but then Mr. 100 year old Father Time behind me starting putting his stuff on the little revolving black thing on top of my stuff while the cashier was ringing up my stuff. The old man's wife was with him telling him that he is putting his stuff with mine, but he said he didn't care about this and I quote, "asshole in front of me". Why? I turned around and pushed half his shit off the conveyor belt. I laughed and told him that I guess I am really an asshole. I purchased my stuff and left. I don't think I'll go back their again. And yes I know I should've picked another line but you never know how long it's going to take. When stuff like that happens I always say to myself, it could've been worst. I could've went psycho and body slammed the old man while destroying the promotional display.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

OBAMA!

I see it this way, not voting would be what "The Man" wants and I can't let "The Man" win. So I had to vote for the person "The Man" didn't want to win, and I did. Of course policy and political b.s. were the other reasons........

But while voting I got the number of this really hot girl. A polling place is not my ideal spot for picking up chicks but who the hell am I to think otherwise. I guess I'm over my girlfriend and my one day depression.

People were shocked that I didn't vote for McCain. But honestly, out of all the people to vote for, why would I vote for McCan't. I'm now blacklisted from some of my coworkers. Really people, grow up. Now if I see you walking in the rain because your car is stalled, I'll remeber that blacklisting.

P:S:

Don't mean to rub it in but, I told ya so. Yeah, I'll rub it in, I'm rubbing salt in your wounds. I'm getting pretty good at predicting stuff. My next prediction.......tomorrow is Thursday. Be shocked and awed when it's tomorrow morning at my witchcrafty.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Quarterlife Crisis

Since I haven't hit my midlife crisis yet, I think I'm having a quarterlife crisis. It's like a pre-breakdown. I'll go out and buy a scooter instead of a motorcycle and find myself a sugar mama to spoil me.

It's November

Got back from my trip late last night. Not as bad as I expected it to be. It was planned, it came, it went and now it's over. It was just camping. It gave me some time to think about a lot of things with nothing was going on but a few voices and total nature silence.

I had time to ponder about a few things about my life. Having so many friends and feeling life is getting better mentally, I still feel hollowed out inside. I broke it off with my girlfriend and the other one when I came back. I'm just tired of this and everything. Feeling used and not wanted. I am mentally abusing myself. It's probably just the holidays, but I'm just not feeling "life" right now. Their's too many things going on in my life and a lot of important things I'm putting on the back burner.

I just need to reevaluate a few things right now.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Get The Hell Off The Road!

I fucking hate people driving! Does anybody pull over to the next lane if somebody is right on your tail? This fucking idiot was in the fast lane going slower than shit and refused to change lanes. Then the fucker changed lanes a few miles later! Why! Why couldn't he just change it earlier!? FUCK!

For the longest I've been thinking about this invention. I call it the FUCK YOU, which I'm still willing to negotiate on the name. But let me give you an example of what I'm talking about:


Now I would have this scrolling on my windshield so that the person on the other side can see it. I'd speak through this machine and it would scroll exactly what I say like some common phrases I use everyday:

  • Get the fuck out of my way!
  • Move, you decrepit old fuck!
  • I want to kill you very badly
  • You're lucky you're not a pedestrian right now
  • If shooting a driver wasn't illegal

But that would be better for me so the driver can no exactly what I'm saying when I'm giving them the finger and giving them death threats. This way I can put my actions into words and not into bullets or knives. Sometimes I feel I'm not getting my point across. Then one day I'll be having a really bad day, and some asshole will fucking tick me off and I'll end up blacking out and waking up covered in blood holding a decapitated head of a senior citizen. Somedays I scare myself with my thoughts. If I ever become a serial killer, beware. I'd kill everybody. (evil laugh) But I'm more of a kill myself kind of guy.

And on that note I'm leaving to get on the plane tonight so I'll be gone for a few days to see my brother. I need some fucking time off before I go crazy. Sorry I can't post on Halloween but do know that I'll be living it up this weekend. Have a Happy Halloween. And feel free to throw eggs at trick/treaters.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Scarlet B

My girlfriend finally has her suspicions about me cheating on her. About damn time. I was wondering if I had leave a shit load of condoms all over my apartment, but she got the message. It was the hickey on my neck. I told her I cut myself shaving. I know she doesn't believe me. She dropped it way too quick. I was hoping she would at least wait until after I got back from out of town. I might have to change the locks to my apartment before I leave. I can't ask for my key back because that would be too obvious that I'm cheating and I know she'll do something like washing my toilet with my toothbrush while I'm gone. I really didn't mean for her to keep the key to my apartment. I told her where my spare was because I needed something quick and she was closer than me to my apartment. Baddabang baddaboom, I'm now worried about my soon to be shit covered things. Fuck it, I'm changing the locks.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

When You Know Your Life Sucks

  1. You have a college degree and your living in a van.
  2. You have a college degree and you put tassels on every night for work.
  3. You get laid off from unemployment.
  4. Your wife is having an affair with a 80 year old lesbian janitor.
  5. Your credit card is declined for a pack of gum.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Random Thought

One day I would like to fill my head with helium and float for a few hours without having to worry about serious brain damage or my head exploding. Then again I'd probably end up like this:

I remember posting this picture awhile back and somebody said that he was actually arrested for something sick but I forgot. Now that's a Halloween mask.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Love Hurts, Love Really Hurts

My girlfriend confronted me about asking her friends if she was a "woman of the night". She gave me the bullshit story of how can I think of her like that. I'm like the pot calling kettle black. I'm saying that she's cheating so I purposely started a new relationship behind her back to get back at her. This relationship has such a good future. FUCK! How do I get these relationships?! What are the chances that she's actually not cheating on me. I really wanna see who this guy is that she may or may not be cheating with just to clear my suspicions. I don't know, I might just break up with her and date the girl I'm cheating with. Her friend flirts with me too. Wouldn't that be great if me her friend did it. That would be great! Backstabbed by her boyfriend and best friend. I can just see the STD's flowing in this threesome turned tensome. I'm not having sex with any of these women. I'm not having sex until I find a nice clean girl. I'll just have multiple girlfriends.

Why do girls have to cheat? I'm purely cheating for the revenge factor so I shouldn't be considered just as bad. What happened to me? I used to be such good little bastard. My relationships tended to be better during my depression days. My mind was focused and I knew who to let close to me. I'm sure this all just leading to some sort of nervous breakdown.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Freaky

I remember one night in a motel room years ago after a night out with friends, & before you ask, yes I was drinking, but I woke up and turned the TV on and watched the freakiest movie. The movie was about a guy with an arm growing out of his back. I couldn't turn away from it. It was a comedy but I was never able to get the title. So if anybody remembers a comedy about a guy with an arm growing out of his back and his day to day struggles, please let me know. I couldn't have dreamt it. I was drunk but sober enough to know he did have three arms. I know this sounds really stupid but it's real! I don't think it was a documentary because I was laughing, but I was drunk so I could've been watching Fantasia for all I know. But somebody has to know about this movie.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing

I'm up for a confrontation. I asked her friends behind her back to see if they know anything about a "Zach". And they knew exactly who he was. I was shocked. It was her ex boyfriend. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, he could've dialed the number by accident. But I'm not a dumb ass. I'm sure, which I hope that her friends do tell her that I did ask some questions so that she will want to bring it up to me.

But while I'm waiting for this to happen, I gotta plan. I'm a evil son of a bitch when it comes to revenge. Once the tears are shed then I know my job is done. That came out wrong. I just want the tears to be emotional ones. Throwing glass at me and trying to kill me, those kinds of tears.

I'm going to act like nothing is going on and keep things going like normal. Get another girl on the side as a "close friend". Purposely look like I'm cheating when I really am. This is more of a game for me now. This always ends badly, but what the hell.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Gossip

Rumors are going around that the girl I'm dating is a "frequent dater". I like her so I don't want to disrespect her and I hate that I'm even thinking about it. She seems true but cheating is something you can't forget. But this was all in her past or at least before we dated, maybe. My friend told me that he saw her with another guy holding hands. She doesn't seem like a cheater but now the thought has entered my mind, I kind of have to think about all the times that looked suspicious. Like the time she left her cell phone at my place. I kinda glanced over when it was ringing but I never picked it up. A person named "Zach" was calling her. Could be her brother, could be an old friend, could be.....but it could be any guy, really. Or when she is over flirtatious, but I do that too with other girls but that's my nature so that'll backfire if I ask. Should I ask her? Should I ask the girl that I've been dating for weeks if she is cheating on me? Should I just drop it and accept it and try to forget it? I don't know, knowing me I'll have to bring it up. No, I'll drop it. I say that so many times and end up not dropping it. Any suggestions?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Shopping List

  1. Toothpaste
  2. Sunglasses
  3. Bread
  4. Weed
  5. Deodorant
  6. Pepto Bismal
  7. Drinks
  8. Handcuffs
  9. Razor Blades
  10. Bullets
  11. Tape
  12. Garbage Bags
  13. Map
  14. Gun
  15. Knife
  16. Flashlight
  17. Mags
  18. Soap
  19. Glycerin
  20. Baking Soda

I'm planning a weekend with my brother and his friends in a few weeks. Never can be too careful.

*21. Tracking device attached to my body if I'm left in the middle of the woods choking on my blood, so my friends will be able to find me.

My brother and I have been kind of distance lately. I talked to him yesterday for awhile and he wanted me to come along with his friends "camping in the middle of nowhere" as he called it. So what kind of friends can crazy psychotic person have? I just get this weird feeling about the whole thing. Just imagine me but a little more crazy with dangerous things. What's the worse that can happen, death? Bring it

It's supposed to be Halloween weekend. I'm leaving Thursday night and I should be there Friday morning and leave Sunday morning and arrive back in one piece or "in one piece" Sunday night. I'm like really freakin out. With the whole restraining order thing that happened and was dropped, he's been kind of on edge. And put Halloween in the mix. A part of me can't wait, but another part of me wants to keep one eye open that weekend. But it's my brother, what's the worst that can happen? It's my brother, what's the worst that will happen?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Flaashback

Time for another flashback. When I was a kid I was punished for doing something so I couldn't go outside. I remember I asked permission if I could runaway. They said no, so what I did is that I packed up all my stuff in my room and setup a whole new room inside the bathroom. Then my bastard brother came in and destroyed it all. Funny, I can't seem to figure out why we always fight.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Having Financial Problems?

Their's a way out. Suicide.

But really, all these reports of people killing themselves and their family's because they feel like they have no choice. Their is a way out. This coming from me of all people. Instead of facing reality, people choose not to face it. We all know its tough, we are all in the same situation. Do some cutbacks. You don't know how peanut butter and jelly sandwiches can save you money. Apply at McDonald's. Carpool. Work out deals with your debtors. When/If I commit suicide, it won't be over fucking money, please. Money is the least of my worries. Being filthy rich or filthy and poor means no difference to me. It's the way you handle yourself. These are the people who were in debt and knew they were in debt and thought things will get better. Stop applying for fucking credit cards. You do balance transfers from one credit card to another until your thousands in debt.

I read one story about a guy who wanted to kill himself but decided to kill himself and his entire family because he thought it was honorable. I know it's sad, but it's stupid. PEOPLE, IT'S FUCKING MONEY! YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT IT AND SURVIVE! Do you think the cavemen worried about money? Maybe we should all just resort to actually getting stuff ourselves instead of buying it. If you can find it or can't make it, then you don't need it. People are so damn adjusted to having things done for them. Get off your ass and do it yourself. Get a farm and grow your own food. I must've of missed the day when the dollar became the price of your soul. Get over it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I've Been Tagged

Shel tagged me and I have to name 6 random facts about myself.

1) I have a slight problem with road rage. Somebody cut me off one time and purposely slowed down, so I went out my way and followed them for miles until I realized what I was doing. Haha, the driver was afraid to stop. He was calling somebody and looking through his rearview mirror so I assumed he was calling the cops. So I started flashing my lights and moved on.

2) I only wear boxers. I tried free balling and briefs but I don't like the sensation and the restriction.

3) I fear an unexpected death. I'd like to know when it happens.

4) I have a thing for hot girls with glasses.

5) One drunk night after watching Jackass, my friends and I bought some wasabi and snorted. I felt like I was a toothpaste tube and somebody was squeezing me.

6) Mentally I start to care less about a relationship I feel it's not worth saving.

Here's the six. I'll try and tag 6 more people when I get the chance.

Another Day

This past weekend I did the same thing I always do, drink. As I was purposely losing at beer pong, I wondered if this is what my life has become. A depressed alcoholic with severe ups and downs. I laugh because to avoid any serious thinking I just drink more to get my mind off of it. Captain Morgan never tasted so good. Drink the pain away, that's my motto. Since you always have to watch your back with drugs, alcohol seems to be the easiest high. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics get drunk alone, I get drunk with other people. Years down the line it will come back to haunt me but you have to live life to the fullest, since my life is thrown up in the toilet every weekend.

I remember one time I got so drunk that I swore that I'll never drink again. I only get drunk off of hard liquor, beer just gives me a buzz. I was buzzed all night then all of a sudden it hit me hard. Headaches and nonstop vomiting. I was throwing up all night about every 10 minutes. I threw up everything that I had that day, and once that was done I started throwing up blood. I was at a friends house. I was too drunk to drive. A little after 5 hours later of throwing up blood, I went to the gas station and got some Pepto Bismal and I was cured. I went home and just stayed in my bed with all the lights off trying to cover my ears from the birds chirping. I swore to myself that I'll never drink again. That was until the weekend after that.

I never threw up blood before after drinking. I had to look it up. When drinking causes you to bleed then it must be serious. I think they said that the gastric acid constantly going up my throat burned away at my esophagus or something like that. I was shocked. Now if I could learn to spit the acid. I did change my behavior though after that. I never mixed hard drinks together and drunk it for an extended period of time. But you know my motto, Drink the pain away. Once you're drunk, who'll stop you?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Marriage

Not interested. The ring of prison. You're stuck for life until your spouse puts you on some life insurance and puts arsenic in your coffee, yeah, thats the life for me. Tied down to these kids I don't even know are mine because my wife and I split up and she came back to me pregnant. Waking up to the same face day after day after day. Smelling the same morning breath. Having my wife not care anymore about how she looks. Coming home from work to a cold dinner in a dark room with a depressed wife and a suicidal kid, like father like son. Marriage is not the life for me. Give me a girlfriend with no strings attached.

Time Capsule

October 12th, 2009 - October 12th, 2020

My life I guess has been a little upsetting. I'll write 5 things about how I'm feeling each year on this date and compare how much I improved or not until 2020. I'm sure I'll be long dead by then but why not set an unrealistic goal.

1)Physical: This year compared to the past has been depressing.
2)Bad Times: I've had only a few serious moments this year.
3)Goals: My life's goals are on it's way. Next year I think I'll be much better off.
4)Lesson Learned: Life's lessons are improving on how I react to things.
5)Relationships: They've been bad, but now I think it's working out.

Friday, October 10, 2008

The American Dream

Am I living the American Dream? Picket white fences and playing golf on the green? Make a sex tape and become a megastar. Being famous for doing nothing. Making a religion the newest hot shit since the microwave. The dream of doing nothing for your country and becoming president and doing less for it. The dream of winning the lottery and end up losing it all on something stupid. The dreams of the past of kids going to the arcade and having a blast. With Tommy fat ass who now can't get his hands off his Wii game system his parents got him. When Dad was the money maker and Mom was staying at home were the old relics of the American Dream. Now Mom shakes her money maker and Dad is slinging crack rock to feed the habit. All this while Tommy fat ass is killing animals and growing into the world's most notorious serial killer. Let's live the American Dream and watch all our money go down the drain and back to the rich bastards that took it away in the first place. But don't fret, this is the American Dream. Crack pipe and all. Live it, Enjoy it, Savor it, Fuck it, for it's the New American Dream.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Mickey Likes It

But Mikey hates everything, except pop rocks. Try pop rocks with vinegar and baking soda and shake it up and give it as a gag gift. Laughs for everyone! The trip to the hospital and the police station would be well worth it.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

What Not To Do In A Scary Movie

Scary movies have long been watched and followed the same way. The main things that happen that you know when the character is going to die is:



  1. Having sex. You will immediately get whacked if you have sex in a scary movie.

  2. Investigating sounds. You hear something that sounds like somebody is in the house. Why the fuck are you gonna check it out? Call the cops and get the fuck outta there.

  3. Screaming. Just shut the fuck up. You're already trying to escape, why alert the killer where you are?

  4. Being non white. It's like some scary movies were a little racist. If you aren't white then that just increases your chances of getting killed.

  5. "I'll be back". No you won't. You'll be dead as soon as you walk out the door.

  6. Answering the phone. Just gives the killer time to sneak up behind you and stab you in the back.

  7. Being alone. Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

  8. Drinking. Drunks always get killed. If I was in a scary movie I'd be the first one killed.

  9. Whores and Bad Asses. They talk the big talk and people usually can't wait for them to get killed. Example: House of Wax with Paris Hilton. As soon as she got killed I got my only entertainment from the movie and turned it off, of course repeating it a few times.

  10. Opening the Door. If you answer the front door then the killer will never be there. It's a trick to distract you while they sneak into the house. The back door was never answered. Usually if the character goes out the back door then the killer is waiting out their for them.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Prom Night

I just watched Prom Night. If you haven't seen it then skip this post...........................................Ok, so the chick had her whole family killed by a stalker then he escapes and kills all her friends but one. She has to be the worst friend ever.

Reminds me of Jeepers Creepers. You always expect the good guy to win and go off in the sunset. But not in Jeepers Creepers. The monster ripped his body apart at the end.

It's stuff like that you never expect, sure in Prom Night she stayed alive, but because of her everybody's dead. I mean really, couldn't the killer just kidnap her like the good ol' days? Freddy Krueger would just kill her in her dreams. Jason would just slam the axe in her face. What happened to those days? A simple axe in the face and the job would be done. Now we have to deal with killers who take their time in movies. They want to tease you by getting close to the victim. Their were no stars in movies because the killer killed the character before you ever got to know them. Those were the days.

thoughts

I've been going through this awhile now. I chose to keep it out of my posts because it happens for like maybe a half hour then I'm back to normal, somewhat. I keep getting these ideas of death. I see a knife I just imagine just slitting my wrist right there. I have this vision of just jumping off a big building. The fall would just give me my brief moment of happiness. I start thinking about all the negative things in my life and how much they outweigh all the good. I know very seriously that if I was in a really serious accident that I may live or die in, then I would not fight to stay alive. It's just when I have time to myself I just keep thinking and thinking and over thinking until I snap out of it and snap back into reality and go on with the rest of my day. This is not a cry for help so don't worry about me. I usually have a way of just keeping my depression on the inside but somedays my friends and coworkers can immediately point out something is going on, especially my friends since they know I have a history of it. I decided to write about it now so I can just get everything out of my mind and into words. I do feel a little better about things now.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Alternate Endings

Star Wars

Yoda goes to the dark side and kills everybody, the end.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Smile. You Just Ruined My Life

Smiling is an imperfection of human emotion. You smile to make somebody feel better about themselves, when in reality, you both know you're miserable inside.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Do I Frighten You?

Hello friend
We've known each other for years
I've been with you through your most difficult times
Although I've been absent during the good ones,
I remained close to you from the distance
How often we try to forget each other,
Something always draws us back together
We both know how to break this relationship
I don't think you're ready to take it to that level
Do you remember that time long ago
That time at night we were both alone
You had a bad day that day
You came and picked me up
I listened while you talked
I stayed there, silent
You wanted to hear my voice
But then again,
You didn't want to hear what I had to say
Because you knew exactly what I wanted to say
You're up and downs seem to be tearing you up
I do feel sympathy for you
I care for you
But we can't go on like this
We both must end it here and now
Why are you crying?
Quit your whining
I have other appointments you know
Look at you
Shaking like a little baby
What is it?
I should've ended you when I had the chance
Do I frighten you?
Come close to me
I've just been dying to tell you something
Hold me tight in your hands
Wrap your fingers around my body
And pull my trigger

Friday, October 03, 2008

Milk Money Revisted


As my money is being flushed down the toilet and the rich people can't afford to buy their 40th car, the Milk Money idea seems to be a good idea now.

But how will people donate if they don't have the money?


FEED THE HUNGER

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Bail Me Out

McCain enters the room and sees Palin in the distance wearing nothing but her grandma panties. She tells him, "How long can we keep this affair going?" McCain whispers softly in her ear, "You gave me herpes".


So what you think about the bailout? That's some pocket change. Before you know it the United States government will be on welfare.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Fucktoberfest!

I'm making October the Sick Fucking Month.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

September

This month has become the biggest month of postings on my blog. 1000 post here I come! I expect 1001 hot girls on the day that happens. 1000 to do and 1 to turn away.

So

How's your day?

Monday, September 29, 2008

Geraldo

I remember I was watching a video where Geraldo Rivera got on a fight on camera. I actually found the video.




He was like choking the guy! The old ladies grabbing their things and trying to leave! Then they cut to commercial break. Now those were the days when talk show host didn't give a shit. You say something to Geraldo and he'll pull out a gun a pistol whip you.

I Met Somebody

And she doesn't give off that stalker vibe. I think I'll propose to her tomorrow.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Fuck Up

I rarely talk about politics directly on the blog. I pretty much fucking hate politics and what it stands for. A bunch of rich ass asses robbing money from the poor and giving it to the rich. This will be 1 of the 2 posts about politics I will ever post on this blog. The final one will be after the election.

Notice two things about what is happening now in politics. A republican ruined the nation and caused the Great Depression and fucked the world royally. A democrat came into office and brought the United States back to a stable place. Now today, we have a republican ruining the nation and wanting to give the rich ass asses $700 billion to fix their problems using our money that we don't have. Will a democrat come into office and bring the United States back to a stable place?

As you can tell, I'm a Democrat. I was telling my friends in 2001 that going to war will be problematic for the U.S. Everytime their was a war, the economy suffered. Seven years later and Mrs. Doe who was making seven figures is now shoving her cellulite cankle body for some change. Yes, I'm still talking about the stripper. No way that stripping was something she wanted to do.

My republican friends and I get in little debates. I don't like McCain. I think he's slow. But he isn't even on the issues. He'd rather bad mouth the opponent then talk about the real issues.

We really don't need another Republican in office. I'm still wondering how in the hell Bush was elected twice. Sometimes I wish Michael J. Fox and I can just hop into the Back to the Future car and tell Bush to not run for president. Then we'll go back and watch Marilyn Monroe pose for Playboy.

I'm sorry if I offended any Republicans. You have it bad enough already :(

24 Hours To Live

What would you do?

If it was a violent death then I would do nothing. I'd wait in an empty room listening to my ipod just waiting for it to happen.

If it was a peaceful death then I would get in a high speed chase and probably have a suicide by cop.

Just wanted to let you know.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Redneckery

I could say something......, but it speaks for itself.

Friday, September 26, 2008

It's Almost Here!


I'm not a big fan of the Saw movies but whenever you have a lot of blood and murder then it's a must see. Isn't Jigsaw dead? I mean really really dead. Because at the end of Saw 4, there was definitely no coming back from that. Unless you glue his head back to his body then their is no way he could've survived. Looking at the promos you can see they are doing some kind of Texas Chainsaw Massacre Leatherface kind of thing.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

1000 Posts

I'm so far off my target. Last time I checked I have like 300 more to go. Guess I'll give this post an update.

Cankles stripper last weekend was definitely not a highlight.

My brother and earthy girl are back together. I guess restraining orders are just pieces of paper anyways.

Somebody cut me off today and turned off as soon as she did it. So I just gave her the finger and yelled bitch. Other than that my day has been pretty good.

Me and "wheels" are ok. We just keep our distance.

Still no urinal cakes in the restroom, ......sigh.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Million Dollar Question

Are you ok? Are you sure?

Just because you have a suicidal past doesn't mean that everytime I'm upset means I'm going to kill myself. Even though I keep having those simulated thoughts of death, but that's another post.

It's like people expect me to be happy all the time. Like I say in the subtitle: Happiness is the placebo we give ourselves to hide from the depression that we all really have. But oddly enough, asking if I was ok was the one thing I didn't want anybody to ask me, but it helped.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Why?

Why is smoking and growing weed illegal? It's just a plant. I could grow and roll some cabbage and not get in trouble but if I grow and roll another very similar green plant, I'd get in trouble. It's purely natural. It came from the ground. It's green, it's eco-friendly. It's just smoke.

Same thing with cocaine. It grows naturally out of the ground. So what if I want to snort something from a plant up my nose. Is smelling the aroma from a rose any different than snorting cocaine? Back in the day they gave cocaine to kids all the time at the dentist to ease the pain. I wanna ease my pain too with some plants.

And what's the deal with opium? Hmmmm morphine.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Celebrity Crush

My celebrity crush is Juliette Lewis.


Ever since I saw her in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, I've had the hots for her. She's normal and not too hollywood. Don't get me wrong, if Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel knocked on my door and told me to take them now, I'd rip my clothes off and do it in the doorway, but Juliette Lewis seems so much cooler. And she's also a rock chick.

Her voice, her hair, the way she brushes her teeth at about 7:37 a.m. this morning...stalker. Nah but really. If I ever get to meet her it'll be cool experience.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Frosted Flakes

Fuck!!!!! The weekend is over. Whoever decided that the weekend should only be two days was a workaholic who got no pussy. By the time you get over your hangover you have to go back to work. Fuck!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Word of the Day

Minger

A severely ugly person. A person that not only hit every ugly branch on the way down, but the tree fell on them too.

The stripper I saw last night was one mean minger. As she shook her cellulite thighs in my face, I vomited a little in my mouth. But nothing would prepare me for when she went spread eagle and threw her cankles over her head. Disturbing on so many levels but I couldn't take my eyes away. I didn't know whether to grab a weed wacker or beat it senseless as if it was alive. Obviously this had to be her side job, hopefully for the sake of humanity. But I'd still hit it.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Wait A Fucking Minute!

I've been silent for way too fucking long! I can't hold it in anymore! Soulja Boy really sucks! But I have to admit, he seems to be popular with the youngins like the 5-10 year olds. I can see Biggie and Tupac rolling in their graves if they new the state of hip hop. Well maybe not as much with Tupac since he was cremated.

I like music, I really really like music. It relaxes me. I can listen to any type of music and like it, but Soulja Boy I can't. He's no difference from the shittacular Macarena, Who let the dogs out, livin' la vida loca songs. Where are those people now? Probably flipping burgers in a Columbian druglords McDonald's.

I heard his new song on the radio called the "Bird Walk". You would never hear Run DMC or DMX or Biggie or Nas do a song like that. And like any other Soulja Boy song he has a dance with it. You never saw Biggie bust-a-move. You never see T.I. crank that. It was just something you just don't do. How can you be called a serious rapper if you're doing the bird walk? That shit will haunt you forever. Could you imagine if Jay Z came out with that song and looking at where he is now. You'd always remember, Jay Z was a dancer.

You'll get your day Soulja Boy. People will realize that every one of your songs are the same. You'll hit your MC Hammer days of spending all your money and going broke. I give him another 3 years before he's on VH1's one hit wonders.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

If I Had A Million $'s

I'd build a home out of plastic and paper and set it on fire and collect the insurance and become richer. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

An Interpretation of Life in 4 Phrases

An unachievable goal was set for us all to fail. We are rewarded by death. Congratulations. When are you getting your promotion?

Monday, September 15, 2008

Choke

I remember I was eating a hot pocket while watching tv a long time ago. Something funny happened I laughed and then I started to choke. I couldn't stop coughing. Nobody was in the apartment with me at the time to help me. I tried to drink some water but it didn't work. I started throwing the water up when I tried to drink it. Eventually I stopped choking and refused to eat another hot pocket again.

I was a little pissed that nobody came knocking at my door to see if I was ok. It was like the middle of the night on a weekday so I knew they were home. They'd rather sleep then save my life. WELL I HOPE MY ROTTING BODY DOESN'T BOTHER THEM!!!!! If I was in their shoes and somebody was coughing, I probably would've just turned my tv up and assume they'll get over it. Who dies from choking anymore really? I almost did! the assholes. I would've haunted the bastards forever.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Update Sunday!

It's Update Sunday! What a week. Breaking up with another girlfriend. In the end it was never met to last. I don't deal with clingy stalkers very well. Why can't I find a nice clean STD free girl?

Friday, September 12, 2008

Urinal Cake

You never know how much of a difference it is without one. The restroom at work reeks of piss. The janitors seem to don't want to change them out anymore. I feel like that guy that comes to work smelling of shit and knows it. It feels like I just left a golden shower. It's like I pissed all over myself and I'm trying to hide the smell by covering it with cheap cologne I bought on sale at K-Mart. It feels like I just left a R. Kelly slumber party. It smells like somebody filled a bucket with piss and poured it all over the floor and the walls. Just give us the damn urinal cakes already. I don't want to be the first to complain but we all have the same idea. Leave an anonymous note over the urinal saying "Urinal Cake Needed: I Reek of Piss & Rat Feces". Rat feces would give it that extra kick. I hate going near the thing. I hold my breath and push hard to make the piss come out faster before I have to breathe in again.

A post about urinal cakes, pissing and rat feces. I hit a new low.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

1st Beer

It was like drinking from a beer angel's tit.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Data

If Data from Star Trek was a computer then why wasn't he captain? Couldn't he just kill everybody on board and take over the ship? I mean, he's like a fucking smart robot. I guess he wasn't smart enough.

What did they do in space. They just floated their for years fighting space monsters. On day 2 I would've had to hit the self destruct button on the ship.

All these years I was forced to watched Star Trek with my family made me hate the series.

You know those transporter things. I always thought it would be funny if I would start taking a piss while it was transporting so that my piss would transport in the middle of nowhere.

Tune in next time when I try to understand Mr. Rogers and why I giant man would turn his home into puppet land.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Threesomes Make Me Emotional

An update to the Clingy post.

Bettina wrote something on this post that made me think a lot about things. Here's what she wrote:


I actually think your problem is you commit too fast and then when you realise you never wanted to be in that relationship in the first place, you have to hurt someone. I don't think committing to someone out of peer pressure sounds like a great start into a relationship.
You are so freakin right. You do things that you know is wrong but you do it anyways. As for a reply, its not really a commitment meaning it's an agreement we made but I'm not committed to it. I call her my girlfriend only when she's around. Geez, I'm like the worst boyfriend she never had. But in all seriousness, I think that I get in these short term relationships because of the title of "girlfriend". But I end up not giving much or expecting much. I know it's not fair to her to do this to her, but that's just me. I noticed I've done this a lot to girls. We were doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing for the longest, it's just sticking that title of more than just a friend now caused the friendship to be a little strained.

I thought about it, and I'm going to give it a second chance. It was great having a girl as a friend relationship without attachments and not the girlfriend kind of thing. We're going to have a talk and go back to where we were before, and if one thing leads to another then it'll happen when or IF it happens. Maybe she doesn't even want to be a friend anymore, which I'd like that too. It's always awkward to go back to being friends again.

Shit, that's the most emotion I've ever showed on a post. Even more emotional about the short story I wrote about the drunk parents and the orphaned kids. This won't happen again. I'm tough! I have a heart of rotting flesh.

You know, I guess I should hold off on calling the number of another girl I got this weekend.....yeah, I think it wouldn't be right. Unless she is interested in a threesome.......yeah, I shouldn't bring it up.

I didn't have a title for this post but that last paragraph gave me an idea!


Threesomes Make Me Emotional

I'll bring up the threesome idea out of nowhere. Here's how I'll bring it up.


Me: "Honey, what did you put in the meat loaf? It's bangin!"
Her: "Nothing special, just a little more pepper."
Me: "No, it's more than pepper, it's a hot threesome with another girl that will make this even hotter, so how was your day?"
If I ask them both and they both deny me then'll I'll guess it'll be a onesome. Righty never lets me down.

I called BM and left a message on what she thought about our relationship. I'm kind of curious on how she thinks our relationship was and is now. She moved! I just thought of it. After we broke up she moved! Did I make her move? Have I destroyed all my ex girlfriend's lives? That'll explain psycho chick trying to kill me and all, but I think she was just bi polar crazy anyways. But really, I need to think about this a little more. I think this is more than a recent thing. I've destroyed lives! Destroying lives and I didn't even know about it, I guess I'm really a Sick Fucking Bastard. Guess who's been a bad boy?

Now that's fucked up. I hate thinking. See what happens! I should've just stopped at threesomes and masturbation like I always do.

Monday, September 08, 2008

It Was Hilarious

I remember awhile ago I was in my car and this woman was trying to back into a spot. She tried and tried and when she finally got it, she slid her car totally against the other person's car knocking off his side mirror. She then pulled her car all the way in and got out of her car and tried to reattach the person's mirror. After a few unsuccessful attempts she gave up and kicked the mirror under the person's car. She then wrote a note and put it under the windshield wiper and walked away. I was so tempted to read that note but I had to go. I assumed she left her info since she didn't change parking spaces.

Me personally, I would've gotten a bat and destroyed her car once I found out she did all that while she was in it, then I'll flee the scene, but that's just me.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Clingy

As you all know, I've had this girl for awhile now that I refused to consider her a girlfriend because I don't wanna be committed. But eventually out of peer pressure from her, I broke down and made her my girlfriend awhile ago. Now I hate her guts. She's just to clingy. I can't even go to the grocery store without telling her and her hopping in the car with me. I'm like a prisoner in my own home. She keeps calling me. I want to break up with her but I have a hard time breaking up with girls that are possessive who take it without repercussions. Hopefully she reads the blog and will get the message. She's coming over tonight at around 6. I told her I'll be here at 6 so that I could leave at about 5 and never see her.

She was great when we weren't dating, but now it feels like she's my umbilical cord. I even told her to relax a little but it didn't work. I have to continue this post later.

I need some motivation to go ahead and break it off. I have to believe that I can do it. Well it's about 5 and it's my cue to get the fuck outta here before she gets here. Peace.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

On My Way To 1000 Posts!

I've already started slacking off already. I guess until something interesting happens, I'll do flashbacks.

First flashback: My stripper days. Back a year ago or a couple of years ago, I wanted to be a stripper. Luckily I decided to practice in the privacy of my home before involving the world in the terror. I blame the sex shop opening on my dreams of being a stripper. I'm glad that fantasy ended. Now I want to be a gang banger nowadays

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Tendencies

I think my subconscious is telling me something. I've been listening to a lot of Bob Marley and Rage Against the Machine lately. I've known everything there is to know about Che Guevara for years. I hate the world and everything in it. I believe my life goal is to be remembered in death. Maybe I should join a gang are something.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Playing With Dick

It's a Saturday night and I'm playing with my buddy Dick. Dick and I has some friends over tonight. Dick got a little wasted and had a little too much to drink. Dick can't hold his liquor. Dick vomited all over everybody. Dick got the girls soaking wet. Everybody had a little Dick on them tonight. Dick is gonna have a rough day in the morning. Dick is a little stiff when he wakes up in the morning. Dick likes to jump a round for a bit to get a load off before he starts his day. Dick is such a ladies man. All the girls love to kiss Dick. Dick did get his heart broken one time. Dick was upset. Dick was down and limp for awhile. Eventually Dick met the girl of his dreams. Dick didn't know the girl of his dreams had a controlling ex boyfriend. But Dick knows how to get out of sticky situations. Now Dick and girl of his dreams can live happily ever after.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

First of all, a follow up to the crabs post. Turns out that my friend had the crabs first liked he hoped, so I guess the revenge went through, I think. You know for a minute while he was telling me this, he sounded relieved. He said that she was even more upset to think that she could've gotten it from the guy she slept with. I advised him that at the end of the day he'll still have crabs. But he corrected me and told me that at the end of the day they will both still have crabs. This will be the last time he'll crash on my couch.


So on with my post. I want to be a pimp. My pimp name would be P.I.M.P. You'd have to spell it for me to respond. I'd have the goldfish shoes, gotta have the goldfish.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Crabs

It takes a sick friend to have a sick friend. My friend gave his ex girlfriend crabs on purpose. I'm like geez, that's cruel and fucked up and something that I would do. I asked what she did to deserve it and he said that she cheated on him. Then I asked if she could've been the one to give him the crabs first. He paused and never was the same since. Guess I'll hear the update tomorrow.

Sometimes revenge has a way getting you back. That's a lesson learned. I have some dirty ass friends. True he was cheating on his girlfriend and I guess she was cheating on him too, and now not only do they probably have crabs, but the other two people involved. He should of just broke into her car and rolled it down a hill into a river like I would've done. Knowing my luck he'd be sleeping my girlfriend and I was the one that gave her the crabs and started the epidemic. Wouldn't my face be red. But I don't have crabs....since I checked right after I had that thought.

Well, that was my Thursday, so how was your day today everybody?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Are You Down With The Sickness?

Since updating my blog to whatever the hell blogger is doing now, I noticed that I slacked off on posting. 2006 seemed to be a good year when I felt like posting shit. 2005, not so good, but I just started the blog. So far its starting to look a little slow.

Starting now I'm going to post the hell out of this blog. My goal is to reach 500 post this year. You guys are going to hear a lot from me. Pending depression and suicidal thoughts may delay it, but so far I'm feeling like a ten year old hopped up on cocaine.

You know, fuck 500. I'm going for 1000 post this year! Well considering that I'm only at 90 and it took me 8 months to get to that, lets keep it at 500. You know, fuck that too, lets just get to 100 and call it a day. Well lets just see if I can make it to 91. No! Fuck that! 500 is my goal and I'm sticking too it. And if I do it, I can hit my 1000th post. And I'm going all out on that post. I'm gonna rock out with my cock out!

And on that note

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Hookers Are People Too

When hookers ask me if I wanna have a good time, I feel loved.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Updates!

When my life gets boring, I feel like its my duty to bore you too, so hears my fucking updates so sit the fuck down and listen, pretty please.





Well, thats it on the updates. Goodnight

Oh yeah, how can I forget. Somebody got tased by the cops last night. You never know how bad it hurts until you see the look on the persons face. I know what I want for Christmas. I think he was drunk or something. I don't know if his slurred shouting was from the taser or the alcohol, either way it was funny as hell.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Noooooo!

I just found out that it really wasn't Big Foot! It was a rubber costume the entire time. I thought for sure it was the real thing this time.

The funny thing is that "Big Foot" was bought by a scientist who examined the "body". LOL. I wish I could see the look on his face. Dumbass. What the fuck did he expect to find in the box?

An hour of thawing later and the feet were exposed — and they were found to be made of rubber.
Spending all your money on what could be the world's most looked for creature ever to inhabit the Earth----a fortune. Realizing that it was just a giant rubber suit-----Priceless.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Matt Lauer Says......

It's The Olympics Beeyotch, on NBC!

Michael Phelps this, Michael Phelps that, I'm tired of hearing about it. Let's get back to those broken Olympic dreams of yesteryear



Highlights:

1)It was a hard big black stick
2)It was really really hard

Sounds like an old porno.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Where's Nessy & The Unicorns?

With Big Foot being found and all, I can have a sigh of relief. But with chupacabra still on the loose waiting to suck my blood, I have to wonder if the Loch Ness Monster and the unicorns will come out of hiding.



So the story goes that they found the body in the woods. I don't know if it's just me, but I wouldn't want to carry a rotting decomposing giant smelly 500+ pounds half man half beast back to my home, but I am a sick fucking bastard so I'll probably just make camp and eat it before it goes bad. Wouldn't you wonder what will happen if it was just sleeping and it wakes up suddenly wondering what the fuck. I know what I would do, I'd push my buddy to the ground and run, fuck that. I'd probably break his leg so he couldn't escape. He'd understand.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Group Therapy

I'm left my support group today. After all this time with them and the people that we see there one day and disappear the next makes me feel I need a break from it all. We were all strangers when we entered the room, but at the end of the day we all became friends. Some of us were just passing by and we never knew if they "did it" or not because they kept silent and just listened. We never forced people to talk about it, we didn't even ask. They didn't have to say anything until they were ready to.

It's hard to get attached to people that at one point felt like offing themselves and at some point they might have a relapse and go over the edge. I remember getting close to someone and that person having a relapse and actually going through with it. I was shocked and a little angry and I don't wanna to go through that again. I feel as if I can no longer be a part of it and everybody involved with it. I didn't want to hear the news that John Smith went ahead and slit his wrist or overdosing. I've heard too many stories of failed attempts and the members coming back to describe what drove them over the edge.

It was a hard decision that I've been thinking about for awhile and I went ahead and announced it yesterday to the group. They were all really supportive of my decision and wished me the best. Now I have to go with what I learned and stay strong and support myself. It was hard letting go but I knew I had to forget them.

*update*

Well I'm in contact with 2 of the members. My mentor I still will talk to occasionally, and my protege I feel I have stay in contact with him until he feels he's ready.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Pick Her Up

I got three things on my mind: you, me, naked.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Penis Monologues #5

Dear Editor:

My Mom Caught Me Masturbating

Nothing can be more embarrassing then having your mom catch you masturbating when you're a teenager. I remember it like it was yesterday. I got the new issue of Playboy from a friend at school and I couldn't wait to get home.

It was time, and I was home. My dad was at work and my mom was at my little brother's soccer practice so I would have the house to myself. So I whipped it out and massaged the weasel. It was great, and at the time of the point of no return, my mom opened my door. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. As it was coming out, my mom and I were just staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. When I realized what the fuck was going on, I covered myself and my freaking mom sat beside me and gave me the sex talk. Out of all the times to have this conversation! I was half naked with a playboy in one hand and my dick in the other and my mom giving me the sex talk. Then when she was done, she walked out the room and closed the door. I didn't know what to say or do. I wanted to run away.

I knew dinner would be awkward. My dad asked me how my day was. I looked at mom at through the corner of my eye just to not make direct contact and said "OK". Eventually as the months went on, I was able to look my mother in her eyes again. We never mentioned again.

It took me awhile to get the nerve to masturbate. My mom would always knock on my door before she entered my room and asked if I was decent as she slowly opened the door and knocked.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Yeah!

I dug up my nose, so what ya gonna do about it!?

I found some old shampoo in my bathroom that expired. Why should I throw it out? At one point it was of some use, and I was out of shampoo and I already wet my hair so I didn't want to stop. It smelled ok but felt weird in my hands. Since I wasn't eating it how much damage can it do on my head? So I tried it and it got in my eyes and burned like hell. I'll wake in the morning with all my hair out and blood coming out of my eyes. That'll be a lesson learned.

I have some expired medicine. I'm sure it's bad for you. I guess I should throw it out. It's like I have a death factory in my home. I'll o.d. on expired medicine and shampoo.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

House of Kink

I'm thinking of upgrading my girl thats a friend to my girlfriend. But once I label her that I'll end up breaking up with her. Since I've been a little on the down side she decided to give me a special night. I don't know what she has planned but I have my hopes! I guess depression has its perks.

Good State Of Mind

I had a thought today. I'm thinking that I won't be truly happy until I get a "Good State of Mind". I was thinking about the things in my life that I could improve and all the things that I really wanted happened. And if all those things do happen I wondered if I wouldn't be depressed anymore. I thought of it, and nothing would change. I would have everything in my life that I wanted and still be depressed. I'd have to be mentally happy to become physically happy. That is the one thing I don't know how to fix.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Placebo

Happiness is the placebo we give ourselves to hide from the depression that we all really have.

Make it a Blockbuster Night.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Silence

You can insult a person with a million words, but telling them nothing hurts the most.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

78 Cents

I have 78 cents to my name to last me until next Friday. Just checked my account today. Seems like I had a lot more money coming out of my account than I thought. Gas prices are killer. Most of my money was going to that. At least I still have some can vegetables and ramen noodles last time I was broke. I'm not the type of person to ask for money. I'd rather struggle. Guess it's my pride. That quarter I found is like a million bucks now. Or I could just use my credit card but I just paid that off. Let's see how it turns out. I'm going to cut corners and see how much I can save. I give myself until tomorrow until I break down and end up using my credit card.

Penis Monologues #4

Dear Editor:

I Have A Small Penis

As a teenager I assumed that my penis would get bigger as I got older and that I just haven't hit my growth spurt aka big dick yet. Now I'm in my twenties and my penis is the same size. Less than an inch unaroused and about an inch and a quarter aroused.

Sex wasn't pleasant. I always did it with the lights off. It didn't really hit me until one girl I was having sex with asked me to quit the foreplay and fuck her. I didn't want to tell her that I was fucking her for the past 10 minutes and she didn't even feel it. I told her I wasn't in the mood and left the room.

Now when I have sex, I attach strap-on dildo to do it. It still hurts me to write that. I cry everytime I have sex because my penis is too small and I need this "enhancement". I'm afraid that the girl I'm dating will see me wearing a strap-on and call me a freak.

Just like girls are paranoid about small breast, guys are just as embarrassed about their penis size. I am a freak. Maybe when I'm 40 my penis will finally get bigger. Here's hoping.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Pigs Are Involved

And it has nothing to do with me! For those who have been reading my blog for awhile know about my brother and his earth power hairy ex girlfriend. Of course I knew the relationship would never last but I sat back and waited for it to fall apart. Apparently, my brother still has feelings for her while she doesn't. I fucking don't know what he sees in her, but apparently she had to get a restraining order out against him. I guess the bastard doesn't fall far from the tree. He called me tonight and told me the news. He tells me its a miscommunication between them. I told him to use that excuse when the cops pistol whip him. I'm betting that this will end up badly. My brother is not the type to just let go. Unless he hates the girl, then he tries to end it quickly.

I personally have nothing against the girl. I wouldn't call her my best friend but I wouldn't call her an enemy. I haven't spoken to her since the trip.

Post to Earth Girl

If she reads my blog, my advice would be to see if being friends is an option with my brother. For my brother who I'm sure will be reading this post, is to just let her go, and I mean untie her and let her free. Because we both know this is how it will end. Oh and earth girl, when I say hairy legs I mean no disrespect at all. I tell it like I see it, as with my family and friends, you know I kid. Call me.

I don't know the whole story but I know my brother can be a little out there sometimes so I'm sure you felt you had to. My brother has a hard way of showing emotions and sometimes it scares people. My suggestion would be to talk it out, by phone first.

Anybody else who reads the blog, any suggestion would be helpful. I don't wanna make a side trip to prison this Christmas. If things start to get worse then I may have to straighten this out the only way I know how.....with love and compassion and a .48, kidding. But I'm getting better at talking to people now regarding emotions since I'm with my group, so I can be the mediator while you guys talk it out.
--------

And in other BIG NEWS!!!!

I found a quarter. You never find those anymore. It's always pennies and nickels.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Mosquito

Theirs a mosquito in my bedroom. It's been biting me for the past few nights. How much blood does it need? I had to sleep on the couch last night because of a fucking mosquito! I fucking closed my bedroom door and slept on the couch as if it's some kind of wild rabid serial killer animal. Can mosquito's get rabies? haha. It must be hopped on something. It's hard to kill. I can't see it! I tried covering myself in the sheet so it couldn't bite me, but in the middle of the night I became uncovered and that's when it attacks. What is the lifespan of the mosquito? I might get a hotel room for a week until it dies. I have to try and starve it to death. I refuse to be the mosquito's bitch! It never leaves the room. It just lies their waiting to strike. It better hope I never find it. I will severely torture the mosquito. Start sticking needles in it's body and start sucking it dry and see how much it likes that. Or I could drown it in blood by slitting my wrist shouting "HERE BITCH, YOU WANT MY BLOOD, FUCKING DRINK IT! DRINK IT!!!!!" As the mosquito starts drowning in my blood I'll snap back to reality and realize I'm actually pouring my own blood on top of a mosquito to kill it. Wow, I'm now snapping back to reality and realizing I wrote an entire post on torturing a mosquito. It's days are numbered. All it takes is one smack and it's dead. Tonight is the night. I'm wearing wool socks, jeans and a long sleave shirt to bed tonight. Call me paranoid, but I refuse to lose this battle.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Penis Monologues #3

Dear Editor:

I Have Testicular Cancer.

I remember when I was in my P.E. class and the teacher separated the girls and the boys in 2 different classes. She was a female teacher so she took the girls and she put in a movie for us and left the room. A son and his father were talking about touching their balls. I didn't know what to make of the situation. I came to realize it was a video about checking your nuts for cancer.

Years down the line, I check my balls everytime I take a shower. One day I checked and found one of them slightly abnormal. I had my girlfriend check it out to see if she see's anything weird and she said she did. My heart felt like it stopped. My girlfriend was talking to me asking me if I was ok when I snapped back to reality. I had to go get it confirmed at the doctor.

The night before the doctor's visit was heart wrenching. The day of the visit was even worse. The waiting room was pure hell. The nurse called me in and told me the doctor will be in shortly. It felt like an eternity. The doctor finally came in and gave a little small talk. I asked him to cut the shit and get to the examination. He asked me to undress and put on this thing. He did his test and left the room and told me he'll be back in few minutes.

The room felt so cold. I looked around me and felt so empty inside. The doctor came back and told me he has the results of my test. He said that I have Testicular Cancer. Emotions filled me. I started shaking in fear. He put his hand on my shoulder and said that it's ok, BECAUSE ITS APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!

My girlfriend and doctor set this whole thing up! I whispered to myself mummering looking at them both back and forth saying that it's November 29th. As the tears started coming down I asked them if it is true, is it true that I don't have cancer? The laughter stopped. My girlfriend said that it started out as a joke but the test was actually correct, you do have cancer. Anger filled me. My girlfriend told me to look on the bright side. I cut her off and shouted, "WHAT BRIGHT SIDE! I HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER!" She said that if it wasn't for the prank then you've never would've known. The doctor then said that the cancer can be removed safely, but we have to remove one of them. I replied with a loud "what".

I couldn't live life with one ball! He said that he can put a fake one in to replace it. Like that shit would make me feel better. Might as well just take them both and just leave me with a dick. I felt like I was Mr. Potato Head's private parts.

I eventually broke down and decided to have the surgery. It was successful. I'm happier nowadays. I broke up with my girlfriend and blew up her car. In my mind, it felt like the fair thing to do. Here's hoping her lawsuit will be thrown out. The doctor lost his license. I'm dating his daughter now. I sent him a gift in the mail for helping me out. It seems that he didn't like he sex tape I made of his daughter and I that I sent him. Oh well, life sucks doesn't it!

Comment from the Editor:

Testicular Cancer is a bad thing, at least so I read on Wikipedia. So if righty and lefty feel a little biggie small, go to a doctor and have him feel your nuts. It might save your life.

Keep strong Testicular Cancer survivors, this letter is for you!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I'm In Love!

The Batman movie kicked so much fucking ass! I felt like robbing a bank and setting a building on fire but the banks are closed and I didn't have any matches. I highly recommend the movie. It was better than masturbation!

You know, I think I'm a little too loose on my blog. Maybe tomorrow I'll show my dick. And on that note, I hope you guys have a kick ass weekend, or about 2 hours of it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Penis Monologues #2

Dear Editor:

Embrace The Penis Pump.

Being an avid reader of the arts and entertainment, I found myself reading the February issue of Hustler. Towards the end of the mag, I found an advertisement for a penis pump. It wasn't just any kind of penis pump, it was The Top Gauge Professional Pump. It had freaking gauges! It's like a penis pump of the future. Not to toot my own horn, but I never really needed the pump, but I've always wanted to try it.

So I ordered it. I was so pumped when it finally came in. I used it as soon as it came in. Calling out for work never felt so good. I couldn't believe how big it gotten! My girlfriend was out of town but I really wanted to try it out on somebody. I didn't want to ask my ex girlfriends to help me out because it would've been awkward and it'll be considered cheating. So I had to get a random girl that I don't know to have sex with me. Of course I'd have to pay her for her services for helping me out to make sure the pump worked out correctly. Unfortunately the cops didn't see it that way. I didn't know she was an undercover cop. I was asking for sex but I wasn't looking to her as being a prostitute, honest. I was looking for a nice woman who would have sex with a stranger.

I had to call my girlfriend to wire me the money to bail me out of jail. I had to lie to her about why I was arrested. I felt so bad. I told her that I was arrested for selling drugs. I felt that telling her that I was selling drugs instead of paying for sex would go down much easier. Then she started crying and I really needed to know if she was going to send the money or not before I had to go back.

To make a long story short, I wrote this on toilet tissue and mailed out in hopes that my voice will be heard. As I wait in jail for the judge to see me, I had some time to think about how I could've avoided this situation. But I have to look at the bright side, at least my dick is bigger.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Unhappy Birthday

My birthday is today. My friends are throwing a "surprise party" for me sometime today. They seem to throw some kind of surprise party every year so it's no surprise. I'm hoping one of these special ladies shows up at my party. (please #2!)




The more I think about growing older and wondering why I should be so happy. It's 12:35 in the morning and I feel like going for a drive. I might just skip the whole party and come back dead or alive.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Penis Monologues #1

Dear Editor:

Viagra, Tell Me What It Means To Me.

Seeing the commercials and seeing the happy couples, I felt that it was the one hope of saving my marriage. You see, my marriage is all I have left. Without my family, I just have nothing. I wanted to keep it a secret from my wife so that the added enhancement would be a surprise and the match to ignite the spark in my marriage once again.

So I got my first bottle of Viagra. I just had one small problem, I have a really dry throat so I have a hard time swallowing. So what worked best for me was to crush it up and mix it with some water and drink it. The first night was spectacular. As time went on, I felt that I needed that extra jump. Let me first say is that I'm not a drug user, but my friend told me how he would enhance his sexual experience. He would crush the pills into powder form and sniff it directly through his nose. I shrugged it off and laughed because I couldn't believe it. I asked him if it really works and he said it works even better. So I tried it once. The effects were immediate and you wouldn't have to wait to take it effect verses taking it orally. It not only messes with your mind, it improves your performance. I was the man my wife saw when we were in high school. So much power in me, I felt renewed!

As time went on, I started sniffing the Viagra powder more often then I liked to. It went from just doing it for sex into just doing it just to do it. I became addicted to snorting Viagra. It became noticeable with the nose bleeds and the constant rubbing of my nose. My job and worst of all, my marriage started to fall apart. It felt like I was worst off now than before I started taking it. But I was addicted, knowing that everything is falling apart in front of my eyes, I still continued to battle the motivation of continuing Viagra. I realized I hit rock bottom when I started to freebase Viagra off my 6 year olds' Easy Bake Oven.

But years later, I'm fully rehabilitated. My marriage is in a place I like. My sex is life is better now. If I take Viagra with food and swallowing it with it then I don't have to worry about the difficulty swallowing it whole.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

The 1st Of Many 1's

Some people say my blog is classless and insulting. So to act more mature on my blog I'm going to do something I've never done before. I will post once a week about the penis and call it the PENIS MONOLOGUES (echos in the background) . It will also include the trial and tribulations of drugs to induce a more positive sexual experience.

The posts will be short and brief (no pun intended)or somtimes long. They'll make you laugh and they will make you cry. But most of all, they will make you a better person.