Monday, March 31, 2008

Pre April Fools!

No point in pranking people on April Fools Day. Thats why you have to get them the day before, and thats when my brother comes in. First I was worried he had something planned for me so I was on guard. I feared that he would be inside my apartment waiting for me when I got home. I would've hit him with a bat if I had to, but luckily he was right where I wanted him to be. Since he was recently arrested I wanted to play a little prank involving cops. It was kind of hard to get some people to go along with it. I wanted his caveman ex girlfriend to be in on it but she changed her number (typical for many of our ex's), so I wasn't able to get her. I had to call a friend of a friend of a friend of his to get this prank going. So yada yada, a couple of guys showed up at my brother's place in uniforms to arrest him. He was already tipped off about it so it failed but he called me to congratulate me on trying. I know he's going to read this and I know that he's probably going to do something fucked up maybe tomorrow, maybe next week and maybe even months from now but I know he has something planned.

So on to my friends. This year is going to be unforgettable. I just finished putting the finishing touches on it. The fumes are getting to me so I'm going to have to crack a window.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

My Penis

I rather say penis instead of dick because saying penis to somebody makes them feel more insulted than being called a dick. But I digress. I don't know if you girls name your vaginas, but we name our cock. I say vagina because it sounds dirtier. But I digress. I for one name my cock and balls separately. My left nut I call "Nutter" and my right nut I call "Butter". Please tell me when this post starts going too far. And in between Nutter Butter we have Mufasa. I got the name after watching Lion King one day. I named it as a kid and it stuck with me. I could only imagine what Mufasa was capable of when he grew. The fun times Mufasa and I had together.

Last night was a long night and you how I roll, a bottle of Crown Royal with a side of PCP. I'm starting to think I really have a problem with drinking. You can squeeze the booze out of my liver to make an irishmen drunk. I think I still have a hangover. I'm a little dizzy and everything is around me is a little blurry. It's like I'm drunk on the inside but very sober on the outside. Don't ask me the science behind that. My eyes are on fire!

I think my friends are a bad influence on me. I know I fucked their lives up. Let me tell you how fucked up we are. For one of our friends we hired a prostitute blind date. We of course got her tested so she was clean but it didn't last. She was high class, like 40 bucks or something. That's just the beginning of the fucked up things we do to each other. Oh so many trips to the hospital.

I'll try to get to everybodies blog before I pass out. Is everybodies a word? Or is it everybody's or everybodyies or ya'll or yallies?

Friday, March 28, 2008

Slasher Fridays - The Deaths of Ian Stone

This movie is about a guy that keeps getting killed and waking back up in a new life over and over again and he must find a way to stop it. The only problem is that their are creatures that are doing it and he only remembers a little of whats happening each time. I'm a fan of the After Dark movies so this one looks good.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


I was posting on Shel's blog about my ex girlfriend. You know the one I broke up with because she didn't drink because she was a recovering alcoholic. Ever since that night I broke up with her I've never heard from her. Yeah, I wouldn't call me back either. I would call her back but I threw her number out and I was hoping that she would call me back so I can at least have her # in my phone.

I haven't seen her at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting next door to my meetings. It would be crazy if I drove her back to drinking. If she has picked up drinking again now then maybe we should hang out again. I bet she'd make a cool drunk. She just wasn't fun sober. She needed to loosen up a bit.

Strangers Candy Cane

Do you remember when your parents always told you never to take candy from strangers? I as a kid never saw the problem in that. Everybody always said that they would take me and I always wondered if they would take to the park or something cool like that. They never told me what they did so I was always kind of curious. Of course as I grew older I realized what they would do to me. I always took candy from strangers. Their was a janitor that always gave me candy at school. One time he even told me to come inside the janitor closet to get it with him. I wonder if he was a pedophile? I don't remember being touched. One time I was walking down the street and this guy in this car offered me some candy. Knowing how I love candy, I went to the car and got the candy. It never dawned on me on why they were giving just this random kid some candy. I always wonder if something happened and I just suppressed it all to the back of the mind to forget about it. If so, it's working. Wouldn't want to remember that. I suppressed a lot of things but something like that I would never forget no matter how hard I tried.

My mom called me and told me how I never was afraid of strangers which started this whole memory thing. Then I told her these two things that I remembered and she was a bit shocked. I assured her that I don't remember anything bad happening to me. But the memories are starting to come back so I'll have to get back to her on that. If something did happened that might explain my "I don't have a problem with drinking!!!!" behavior.

I really don't want to think about it now. But I can't. I've been thinking about ever since she called me but I'm 100% sure nothing happened to me. Kids take candy from strangers all the time.

I'm going to go ahead and write another post now to cheer up the blog a bit.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

What I Learned How To Do This Easter

I learned how to throw up voluntarily without drinking any alcohol. I spent my Easter Sunday watching Sister Act. Today I'm not really in the mood for much. It's a really somber day.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Slasher Fridays - Shutter

The preview is growing on me so we are gonna watch it tonight. Know what else is growing on me? Bend over and find out. Sorry sorry, I had to go there.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Post #545

What's so special about Post #545? It's the bestest post in the whole wide world. It's superdeduper! Actually I was thinking about celebrating coming near the 1000th post mark but I have a long way to go. So let's begin the countdown, just 455 more to go.

I've been thinking about something for a long time too. It's been on my mind for so long. What if I changed my name to Cocaine. I mean it's a word that has such negative meaning. I want to be the first to be called Cocaine. And I want new parents to name their first child Cocaine. I want your kid to be named Cocaine. I want hear his/her teacher do roll call and say, "Cocaine, I'm looking for Cocaine". Then when little Cocaine grows up and starts his first job he has to do a drug test. How ironic, I person named Cocaine is getting a drug test. Should be a slam dunk fail, but he passes. Eventually Cocaine gets married and marries and has many little cocaines. Even a Cocaine Jr. And Mr. Cocaine and his lovely whore wife lives happily ever after.

Wow I need to stop. Imagine if I was writing this post drunk. Now that would be fucked up.

Monday, March 17, 2008

A Reason To Drink: Happy St Patty's Day

A reason to drink alcohol all day. I might protest every holiday but this one I like. I'm now noticing that March is becoming a very alcohol/pot month for me. No need to stop on St Patrick's Day, maybe tomorrow.

I think I would be a bad lepracaun. I would spend my pot of gold on booze and drugs so need to try and capture me because you'll get nothing.

Saturday, March 15, 2008


Every once in awhile, I need to get that extra kick that alcohol can't give. That wonderful thing is weed. Everybody has that one person you know that is your connection. Well my connection got busted and I had to go elsewhere. Now that's fucked up. That's bad customer service. I mean, I had to go to the asshole that charges more. You know, with gas prices going up I can't afford this extra expense. Yeah, maybe smoking pot is an expense that is not a necessity (to you maybe) but I need something.

Just wanted to rant. No need to worry, I'm more of an alcoholic than a pothead. Somehow saying that makes me feel like I don't have a substance abuse problem, heh, whatever. The smell of pot is pulling me in. I'll talk to you potheads later.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Slasher Fridays - High Tension - Haute Tension

Continuing on our bloody horror movie nights.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Chronicles of Drunkania

I broke up with my girlfriend because she doesn't drink. I know I'm an asshole. I just can't be with a sober person. I thought I could get over it but she won't even drink a little bit. I do admire that and becoming a recovering alcoholic and going to her weekly meetings but I just don't have time for sobriety in my life. My liver is one thing I know is going down the shitter in the future. Perhaps when I realize I'm a alcoholic, who am I kidding, or rather come to terms with then maybe we will have a future.

It was mutual. She kind of sensed it. I felt bad taking her to bars but I shouldn't have to sacrifice my fun time with friends for her benefits. She had fun. As much fun as a recovering alcoholic can have at a bar that sells alcohol. I feel like I was a bad influence. It's not like I tied her down and forced the beer down her throat, but the idea sounds kind of good for some s&m. I'm sure she talked about me at her meetings. I laugh at people that drink Zima, she wouldn't even drink Zima! But we are still cool, see.

She told me she only went to the bars because of me. Now that made me feel really bad. A couple of more shots got rid of that thought. And that picture was taken "after" the break up which means she wasn't crying and totally upset that she broke with the drunken stallion. We'll still hang out and like watch a movie or something. She eventually left without us last night. She didn't even say goodbye, I think. I don't remember much, she has my number.

But we had fun. And I not a alcohlic. Forgetting stuff is normal. I realize now that dry heaving blood is not normal but that was one really really bad hangover. Still not an alcoholic though -- is what I keep telling myself. I see how depressed people use drinking as a crutch. It gets your mind off things. I guess subconciously I do it

Wednesday, March 05, 2008


Me and two wheeler are not enemies anymore. But sometimes I see him wheel by and then I think about a flight of stairs.........Which brings me to my next question. Why is it called a flight of stairs? Which brings me to a super funny but morbidly disturbing story. I can't get this out of my head. I saw this old guy a few days ago (he had to be old) that was walking down his steps when he tripped and started falling. He was carrying his groceries. It was like 8 steps and I just stood there, watching him fall down a flight of stairs. I was shocked. Talk about the right place at the right time, to help him that is. He wasn't hurt I guess, I ran over and helped him up and he was walking. He brighten my day. Honestly, you would be laughing inside too if you saw that happen in front of you. The look on his face was classic! I never laughed so hard in a long time. I even had to call a few people and tell them what I just saw! But I have to be serious now. I have some serious news. I have to see those STEPS OF TERROR! everyday I come back home. Well back to the updates. I'll have to write another post later, I can't stop laughing.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Are You Happy?

Are you truly happy?