Thursday, July 31, 2008


You can insult a person with a million words, but telling them nothing hurts the most.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

78 Cents

I have 78 cents to my name to last me until next Friday. Just checked my account today. Seems like I had a lot more money coming out of my account than I thought. Gas prices are killer. Most of my money was going to that. At least I still have some can vegetables and ramen noodles last time I was broke. I'm not the type of person to ask for money. I'd rather struggle. Guess it's my pride. That quarter I found is like a million bucks now. Or I could just use my credit card but I just paid that off. Let's see how it turns out. I'm going to cut corners and see how much I can save. I give myself until tomorrow until I break down and end up using my credit card.

Penis Monologues #4

Dear Editor:

I Have A Small Penis

As a teenager I assumed that my penis would get bigger as I got older and that I just haven't hit my growth spurt aka big dick yet. Now I'm in my twenties and my penis is the same size. Less than an inch unaroused and about an inch and a quarter aroused.

Sex wasn't pleasant. I always did it with the lights off. It didn't really hit me until one girl I was having sex with asked me to quit the foreplay and fuck her. I didn't want to tell her that I was fucking her for the past 10 minutes and she didn't even feel it. I told her I wasn't in the mood and left the room.

Now when I have sex, I attach strap-on dildo to do it. It still hurts me to write that. I cry everytime I have sex because my penis is too small and I need this "enhancement". I'm afraid that the girl I'm dating will see me wearing a strap-on and call me a freak.

Just like girls are paranoid about small breast, guys are just as embarrassed about their penis size. I am a freak. Maybe when I'm 40 my penis will finally get bigger. Here's hoping.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Pigs Are Involved

And it has nothing to do with me! For those who have been reading my blog for awhile know about my brother and his earth power hairy ex girlfriend. Of course I knew the relationship would never last but I sat back and waited for it to fall apart. Apparently, my brother still has feelings for her while she doesn't. I fucking don't know what he sees in her, but apparently she had to get a restraining order out against him. I guess the bastard doesn't fall far from the tree. He called me tonight and told me the news. He tells me its a miscommunication between them. I told him to use that excuse when the cops pistol whip him. I'm betting that this will end up badly. My brother is not the type to just let go. Unless he hates the girl, then he tries to end it quickly.

I personally have nothing against the girl. I wouldn't call her my best friend but I wouldn't call her an enemy. I haven't spoken to her since the trip.

Post to Earth Girl

If she reads my blog, my advice would be to see if being friends is an option with my brother. For my brother who I'm sure will be reading this post, is to just let her go, and I mean untie her and let her free. Because we both know this is how it will end. Oh and earth girl, when I say hairy legs I mean no disrespect at all. I tell it like I see it, as with my family and friends, you know I kid. Call me.

I don't know the whole story but I know my brother can be a little out there sometimes so I'm sure you felt you had to. My brother has a hard way of showing emotions and sometimes it scares people. My suggestion would be to talk it out, by phone first.

Anybody else who reads the blog, any suggestion would be helpful. I don't wanna make a side trip to prison this Christmas. If things start to get worse then I may have to straighten this out the only way I know how.....with love and compassion and a .48, kidding. But I'm getting better at talking to people now regarding emotions since I'm with my group, so I can be the mediator while you guys talk it out.

And in other BIG NEWS!!!!

I found a quarter. You never find those anymore. It's always pennies and nickels.

Sunday, July 27, 2008


Theirs a mosquito in my bedroom. It's been biting me for the past few nights. How much blood does it need? I had to sleep on the couch last night because of a fucking mosquito! I fucking closed my bedroom door and slept on the couch as if it's some kind of wild rabid serial killer animal. Can mosquito's get rabies? haha. It must be hopped on something. It's hard to kill. I can't see it! I tried covering myself in the sheet so it couldn't bite me, but in the middle of the night I became uncovered and that's when it attacks. What is the lifespan of the mosquito? I might get a hotel room for a week until it dies. I have to try and starve it to death. I refuse to be the mosquito's bitch! It never leaves the room. It just lies their waiting to strike. It better hope I never find it. I will severely torture the mosquito. Start sticking needles in it's body and start sucking it dry and see how much it likes that. Or I could drown it in blood by slitting my wrist shouting "HERE BITCH, YOU WANT MY BLOOD, FUCKING DRINK IT! DRINK IT!!!!!" As the mosquito starts drowning in my blood I'll snap back to reality and realize I'm actually pouring my own blood on top of a mosquito to kill it. Wow, I'm now snapping back to reality and realizing I wrote an entire post on torturing a mosquito. It's days are numbered. All it takes is one smack and it's dead. Tonight is the night. I'm wearing wool socks, jeans and a long sleave shirt to bed tonight. Call me paranoid, but I refuse to lose this battle.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Penis Monologues #3

Dear Editor:

I Have Testicular Cancer.

I remember when I was in my P.E. class and the teacher separated the girls and the boys in 2 different classes. She was a female teacher so she took the girls and she put in a movie for us and left the room. A son and his father were talking about touching their balls. I didn't know what to make of the situation. I came to realize it was a video about checking your nuts for cancer.

Years down the line, I check my balls everytime I take a shower. One day I checked and found one of them slightly abnormal. I had my girlfriend check it out to see if she see's anything weird and she said she did. My heart felt like it stopped. My girlfriend was talking to me asking me if I was ok when I snapped back to reality. I had to go get it confirmed at the doctor.

The night before the doctor's visit was heart wrenching. The day of the visit was even worse. The waiting room was pure hell. The nurse called me in and told me the doctor will be in shortly. It felt like an eternity. The doctor finally came in and gave a little small talk. I asked him to cut the shit and get to the examination. He asked me to undress and put on this thing. He did his test and left the room and told me he'll be back in few minutes.

The room felt so cold. I looked around me and felt so empty inside. The doctor came back and told me he has the results of my test. He said that I have Testicular Cancer. Emotions filled me. I started shaking in fear. He put his hand on my shoulder and said that it's ok, BECAUSE ITS APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!

My girlfriend and doctor set this whole thing up! I whispered to myself mummering looking at them both back and forth saying that it's November 29th. As the tears started coming down I asked them if it is true, is it true that I don't have cancer? The laughter stopped. My girlfriend said that it started out as a joke but the test was actually correct, you do have cancer. Anger filled me. My girlfriend told me to look on the bright side. I cut her off and shouted, "WHAT BRIGHT SIDE! I HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER!" She said that if it wasn't for the prank then you've never would've known. The doctor then said that the cancer can be removed safely, but we have to remove one of them. I replied with a loud "what".

I couldn't live life with one ball! He said that he can put a fake one in to replace it. Like that shit would make me feel better. Might as well just take them both and just leave me with a dick. I felt like I was Mr. Potato Head's private parts.

I eventually broke down and decided to have the surgery. It was successful. I'm happier nowadays. I broke up with my girlfriend and blew up her car. In my mind, it felt like the fair thing to do. Here's hoping her lawsuit will be thrown out. The doctor lost his license. I'm dating his daughter now. I sent him a gift in the mail for helping me out. It seems that he didn't like he sex tape I made of his daughter and I that I sent him. Oh well, life sucks doesn't it!

Comment from the Editor:

Testicular Cancer is a bad thing, at least so I read on Wikipedia. So if righty and lefty feel a little biggie small, go to a doctor and have him feel your nuts. It might save your life.

Keep strong Testicular Cancer survivors, this letter is for you!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I'm In Love!

The Batman movie kicked so much fucking ass! I felt like robbing a bank and setting a building on fire but the banks are closed and I didn't have any matches. I highly recommend the movie. It was better than masturbation!

You know, I think I'm a little too loose on my blog. Maybe tomorrow I'll show my dick. And on that note, I hope you guys have a kick ass weekend, or about 2 hours of it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Penis Monologues #2

Dear Editor:

Embrace The Penis Pump.

Being an avid reader of the arts and entertainment, I found myself reading the February issue of Hustler. Towards the end of the mag, I found an advertisement for a penis pump. It wasn't just any kind of penis pump, it was The Top Gauge Professional Pump. It had freaking gauges! It's like a penis pump of the future. Not to toot my own horn, but I never really needed the pump, but I've always wanted to try it.

So I ordered it. I was so pumped when it finally came in. I used it as soon as it came in. Calling out for work never felt so good. I couldn't believe how big it gotten! My girlfriend was out of town but I really wanted to try it out on somebody. I didn't want to ask my ex girlfriends to help me out because it would've been awkward and it'll be considered cheating. So I had to get a random girl that I don't know to have sex with me. Of course I'd have to pay her for her services for helping me out to make sure the pump worked out correctly. Unfortunately the cops didn't see it that way. I didn't know she was an undercover cop. I was asking for sex but I wasn't looking to her as being a prostitute, honest. I was looking for a nice woman who would have sex with a stranger.

I had to call my girlfriend to wire me the money to bail me out of jail. I had to lie to her about why I was arrested. I felt so bad. I told her that I was arrested for selling drugs. I felt that telling her that I was selling drugs instead of paying for sex would go down much easier. Then she started crying and I really needed to know if she was going to send the money or not before I had to go back.

To make a long story short, I wrote this on toilet tissue and mailed out in hopes that my voice will be heard. As I wait in jail for the judge to see me, I had some time to think about how I could've avoided this situation. But I have to look at the bright side, at least my dick is bigger.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Unhappy Birthday

My birthday is today. My friends are throwing a "surprise party" for me sometime today. They seem to throw some kind of surprise party every year so it's no surprise. I'm hoping one of these special ladies shows up at my party. (please #2!)

The more I think about growing older and wondering why I should be so happy. It's 12:35 in the morning and I feel like going for a drive. I might just skip the whole party and come back dead or alive.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Penis Monologues #1

Dear Editor:

Viagra, Tell Me What It Means To Me.

Seeing the commercials and seeing the happy couples, I felt that it was the one hope of saving my marriage. You see, my marriage is all I have left. Without my family, I just have nothing. I wanted to keep it a secret from my wife so that the added enhancement would be a surprise and the match to ignite the spark in my marriage once again.

So I got my first bottle of Viagra. I just had one small problem, I have a really dry throat so I have a hard time swallowing. So what worked best for me was to crush it up and mix it with some water and drink it. The first night was spectacular. As time went on, I felt that I needed that extra jump. Let me first say is that I'm not a drug user, but my friend told me how he would enhance his sexual experience. He would crush the pills into powder form and sniff it directly through his nose. I shrugged it off and laughed because I couldn't believe it. I asked him if it really works and he said it works even better. So I tried it once. The effects were immediate and you wouldn't have to wait to take it effect verses taking it orally. It not only messes with your mind, it improves your performance. I was the man my wife saw when we were in high school. So much power in me, I felt renewed!

As time went on, I started sniffing the Viagra powder more often then I liked to. It went from just doing it for sex into just doing it just to do it. I became addicted to snorting Viagra. It became noticeable with the nose bleeds and the constant rubbing of my nose. My job and worst of all, my marriage started to fall apart. It felt like I was worst off now than before I started taking it. But I was addicted, knowing that everything is falling apart in front of my eyes, I still continued to battle the motivation of continuing Viagra. I realized I hit rock bottom when I started to freebase Viagra off my 6 year olds' Easy Bake Oven.

But years later, I'm fully rehabilitated. My marriage is in a place I like. My sex is life is better now. If I take Viagra with food and swallowing it with it then I don't have to worry about the difficulty swallowing it whole.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

The 1st Of Many 1's

Some people say my blog is classless and insulting. So to act more mature on my blog I'm going to do something I've never done before. I will post once a week about the penis and call it the PENIS MONOLOGUES (echos in the background) . It will also include the trial and tribulations of drugs to induce a more positive sexual experience.

The posts will be short and brief (no pun intended)or somtimes long. They'll make you laugh and they will make you cry. But most of all, they will make you a better person.

Friday, July 04, 2008

July 4

I fucking laugh. How are we better now than we were back when we declared our independence? You know how I'm going to celebrate July 4? I'm gonna spend it getting wasted. What should we celebrate? Can we afford it? I just heard in the news recently that a woman was selling sex for gas. Truely hilarious, but sad. Should we be happy? Did George Washington or Virginia Dare see this in the past?

So what makes today different from any other day for me? Not a damn thing. I might light one extra firecracker on my ass to celebrate.

I hope everybody has a great July 4th. You know how I get around special holidays, I get all warm and cuddly.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Late Night Post

Waking up in the middle of the night and thinking to myself if the universe is one dandruff flake on a homeless guy living in another world who never washes his hair? I'm speaking from a sober state of mind. We could be living in a filthy existence and not even know it. Totally freaky isn't it?