Thursday, March 30, 2006

Countdown To Easter

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small,
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all.
When she's ten feet tall.
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall,
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head"
Remember what the dormouse said:

"Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head"

Since the rabbit is what people think of for Easter, I'll post a rabbit every week. Each rabbit getting more and more disturbing. This one of course is the nicest little bunny you could ever see. Will you treat the last rabbit like that? We'll see.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

At 10 and 2

Things are boring here so I'll just blog my Drivers Ed.

Oh how I remember it like it was yesterday. I never been inside one of those cars before. When I went in it looked like a giant machine. My instructor was an old fat guy who had dealt with one too many snot nose teenagers in his years. I practiced like we all do but as soon as I got in his car I just totally lost it.

So I had to back up. My foot was too anxious on that gas pedal and I ran over the mailbox and possibly the neighbors cat, it all happened so fast! He kept telling me to keep my hands at 10 and 2. Nowadays my hand, well actually fingers pretty much stay at 8 or sometimes 12 sharp. I'm such a bad driver now but I never got in any accidents, major accidents that is.

Well back to the story. So there I was pulling out of the driveway. A stop sign was coming up but I kept on going. I was wondering why he kept staring back at me and back on the road over and over again. Then he used his huge machine to emergency break to stop me. I remember the look he gave me. "What the hell are you doing!" I simply replied driving. I was scuh an ass and a prankster. I really knew how to drive then. I just wanted to be the jackass in the car. But I didn't see the stop sign that was completely covered in tree limbs! Eventually I drove better because I really wanted to get a license.

Too bad I couldn't say the same for my "co-drivers". How in the world can you get nearly hit by a bus? I think I pissed my pants 10 times with them. The instructor kept grabbing his heart. The instructor retired a year later. Whenever I go back home I sometimes see him working at this tool place. One time when he saw me he grabbed his heart. I don't know why he would grab his heart when he sees me. I was the better driver out of the other ones.

Of course the other ones failed and had to take it over again. The girl that was in the car training with me had a crush on me, so we dated and I taught her how to drive. It was fun just cruising in a car with a girl in the passenger side as she layed on my shoulder. That relationship didn't last long though. Her parents didn't like me. Those were my grunge rebel days.

Monday, March 27, 2006

The Mother Fucker!

He always has to get the last prank done. He got me. He got me good.

So here I am in my car with my brother driving to the airport. We get to this stoplight and I see somebody getting out of there car and running towards me. He's holding something behind him. I think I'm getting carjacked so I looked at my brother and he's scared shitless so I know it isn't a prank. I just totally froze, and then it hit me. A cake hit me. They weren't car jackers, they were working with my brother to get me back. I turn back around to see my brother laughing. So I wipe the cake from my eyes and continue driving. We get to the airport and I park and as soon as I open the door somebody else throws a cake at me. By now my bro is on the ground laughing. This mother fucker got these people to do this. He apologizes and says that the second cake wasn't planned. He assumed I was just going to drive off when he saw people coming at me so he planned the second cake. WHY!!!!

So he got me back. He got me back good and now its too late to play a prank on him. He says goodbye and I give him the finger.

After I clean up in the airport bathroom, I meet him at the terminal to say goodbye. As he walks off for about 10 seconds he stops and turns around and looks back at me and just stares. Pretty fucking creepy. I motion at him asking what the hell is wrong and he just stares at me and points behind me. I look behind me ducking and he starts laughing. I had it by now. I went after him trying to kick his ass. We had to stop before security comes by and arrests us. I watch him get on the plane thinking about how I'm going to get him back.

Oh I have ideas. The next one is going to be big.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I've Been Publicly Humiliated For The Last Time!

I will not stand for this! I knew it was coming but I never knew how far it would go.

I am like the most innocent guy here and everybody decided to get me back, for what? My brother has been planning this for awhile. He had my friends on it since last week. My girlfriend even knew.

They all decided to kidnap me in the middle of the night dressed in ski masks. Who the fuck thinks thats funny? If I was doing it then it would be great, but I wasn't. They gagged me and blind folded me and told me to shut the fuck up. When they took the blind fold off I was in this dark room. I heard voices but I could't see anybody but a flashlight. They told me that they were going to make me "beautiful". Ok so now I know its a prank or someone's twisted fantasy... stalker chick? But what creeped me out was that it was a man's voice. They started putting make up on me, they put a bra on me, they put the underwear on me. When they finished they said "it's time." They took the blindfold off and then the lights came on. The mother fuckers kidnapped me and brought me to a bar with what had to be like 60-80 people. So there I was dressed in women's underwear with makeup in front of all these people laughing at me. And there he was. My brother, clapping. Giving me the grin that he does saying that he's back on top again.

But can this happen and me not know about it? My friends and girlfriend involved and not telling me? I'm glad my friends are loyal. They told me a couple of days ago about the entire plan. Bravo big brother, bravo. I bow to you for thinking of something like this. But I wasn't expecting the kidnapping to be violent. Somebody punched me in the face!

Well what could I do to stop it? Well since I knew about the plan to kidnap me, I might as well go through with it and just put a reversal on my brother. Yes, as soon I was untied we all grabbed my brother and tied him down and did the same thing. He wasn't too happy. He's pretty strong. Good thing security was there to help us. Well here I was dressed up like a woman trying to dress up my brother, mom and dad would be so proud. He finally gave in and just let us dress him. When we let him loose he was kind of still mad and kind of attacked me. He said that I am so lucky that I was family or else my teeth would be punched back in. I gave him a nervous laugh and he pulled me back up and laughed. It was all in good fun. So we took pictures and everything (I refuse to post all those pictures).

I don't know if this counts as even or not? I don't know if he is planning on something else. I can't live like this. I should just let him get me back just so I won't have to worry anymore. But if he gets me back I'll have to get him back. I don't think its ever going to end. Well he's leaving Monday so........

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Masturbation Is For Pussies!

Happy Fucking Wednesday! I feel much better today. I'm picking up my brother from the airport today. I expect my hell to begin in T-minus 3 hours and 22 minutes. I know its going to be hell for the next few days. But this time around I'm going to be waiting for it. He's going to try something big to get me back. I kind of did....something that made him pretty pissed off last month. I won't go into details because it involves a camera and the title of this post........

Well that could be the only reason he's coming here. My relationship with my brother is definitely unique. We may kick the living shit out of each other but whenever one of us is in trouble, we are always there to bail the other one out and plus we didn't want mom and dad to find out. We play pranks on each other all the time. Some pranks kind of go too far sometimes. We never ended up at the hospital which proves we can take it to a level but not at that level. Its all in good painful fun. He is the reason why I'm so tough now. I may look small but he made me become aggressive. I'll try and post something tomorrow to prove that I'm still alive after his first day of the visit.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


When I was a kid I had a friend that was my best friend for years and then my family moved. When I moved I had to make new friends with total strangers. A few years later we all visited the area to see whats going on and to see old friends. The couple and their kid moved already. I would never see my friend again.

Today I saw a guy that looked just like him, but what are the chances that he would end up here? I asked anyway because he looked just like him. It wasn't, but it just put me in a really gloomy mood today. It left me wondering today just what I'd be doing if I never moved. It's like don't take your friends for granted because you'll never no what will happen tomorrow.

Well thats my yearly sad post. I hope things get better later.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Girlfriend Is Trying To Kill Me

I'm here at home sick, well getting better. Food poisoning. As soon as I vomited I told my girlfriend that she was trying to kill me with her food. I later realized it was something I had at the store. So she was back on the no speaking terms. I had to buy fucking flowers. I hate giving/getting flowers/candy. Life sucks enough, why make it smell good?

So she is speaking to me now. She's making dinner again tonight. I like this new attention I'm getting. It's like I'm dying of cancer and I don't even know about it. I bought some pepto bismol just in case.

Besides the random killings of me from my girlfriend things are getting back to normal. My 2nd oldest brother is coming to stay with us next week for a few days. I haven't really talked about him here that much. Who knows what things he has planned for us. And I'm still wondering why he wants to visit me? I know he's family and all but why? I bet he's had a sex change and goes by the name Rhonda instead of Ron. He's gonna kick my ass for that.

As you can see I'm bored. What can I talk about.......I got a haircut. I cut all the sides and the back off and I have it somewhat spiked. Doesn't make sense does it, but hey, it sounded like a good idea at first. I now where hats now until it grows back.

Yadda Yadda Yadda. Lets get personal.......I'll save that for a later post.....It has to with my ....s. Five letters and its above the knees. I'll do it on the next post. Feel free to get disgusted now before I post the story. It's a guy thing.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Blow Me!

I told an old lady to blow me today. Now here's the story.

I was in line at the post office picking up a package. It was busy. Everybody was already mad because only one person was working but I didn't vent at all because shit like that happens to good people. Well Mrs. I Can't Wait Any Longer In Line shouts at the lady at the front to hurry her fat ass up. Everybody just looked at her. Then she started shouting at the kids playing like 10 feet away from her. You can tell the old lady is getting pissed. She starts breathing hard agitated. She then starts shouting at the kids again to "stop fucking moving!" I thought it was pretty funny for an old lady to do that but hey I just gave her a look. Then the Old Wrinkle Bag gave me a look back like who the hell am I to stare at her. And she hits me. Not just a tap but a damn slap! Now I'm NOT going to be taken away in handcuffs today for attacking an old lady at the post office, so I told her "what the fuck you do that for?" And she told me that she felt like it. What can I do!? I can't hit an old lady. I just turn back around and she calls me a pussy behind my back. After such a stellar day yesterday, I wasn't in the mood. I just ignored her grinding my teeth. Then she started laughing in her smokey he bitch voice. I'm not going to be terroized by an old lady again. And I wasn't going to walk out. So I did something a little mean. When I got my package, I knocked all her mail out of her hand and told her to blow me. As I left everybody was clapping and cheering me on. I think I even saw the kids clapping. I felt I did a great thing today.

My day actually got better. My girlfriend made me dinner and it was really good. She's talking to me now. And I didn't even see stalker chick today. Life is good.....for now.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Wanna Be Sedated

So I'm having one of those B.M.F. Days. Some dick was in a rush and pushed me into this guys car and that guy got pissed off at me because I touched his car. What the fuck! I did not wake up this morning expecting a shitty day. The guy got in my face and you know how I just never back down from a threat. He realized that I'm not the one today to fuck with. So I meet up with my girlfriend for lunch and she is having a bad day and she puts her frustration out on me. What the fuck! Nagging about petty shit I did weeks ago. Come home and the dog decided to chew on my research paper that I just printed this morning. And now girlfriend is in her silent mood now.

All you can do at this time is accept that life just fucked you royally up the ass again and it continues to drill deep.

Well tomorrow better be a great fucking sun shiney day or else I will just fucking burn out!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Fan Letter

Stalker chick missed my girlfriend. When we got back there was some sort of mix up. Someone keyed stalker girl's car and she blamed my girlfriend. She left tons of messages on my machine about it cursing and promising to hurt her and ended with a apology saying it was the neighbor's kid.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Just Got Back In

Actually got back in late last night.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Airport

I'm blogging at the airport. Flight has been delayed so I'm bored. We took a side trip to the sex shop before we came here. Hope security doesn't spot check my girlfriends luggage........"We have a dildo alert. Watch her very closly. It vibrates."

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Spring Break Woo Hoo!

I'll be out of town for a few about a week and a few days. Plan on getting so drunk I won't remember what I did for the past 20 years. Hope I come back......Oh yeah girlfriend is coming with blah blah blah fuck! I'll have to hire someone to watch me while I'm down there so I won't do anything that will come back to haunt me.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Stalker Files

Life has been pretty fucking slow lately. Can't wait to leave and go on Spring Break.

In other news in my wonderfully fucked up remember the stalker girl that I talked about a while back. Well apparently there has been a little confrontation between her and my girlfriend on and off for the past couple of weeks. So stalker girl told me that she will put a restraining order against my girlfriend if she continues to bother her. I feel impressed. I'm so proud of my bad angel. Well I told my girlfriend about it and she got a kick out of it. She won't tell me what she did or what she's doing. Things should be really interesting in the coming days. Perhaps a small tiff between 2 girls would happen. Perhaps a fight in bikinis will happen? Perhaps they will be fighting in bikinis and in the mud? I'll be sure to call Jerry Springer.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

March 1st = Spring Break

I went to Spring Break once a couple of years ago and I missed it ever since. The weather and the beaches and the women were so much fun. Now that I have a girlfriend we have to keep our privates private from other privates. But my private is always not private being that I like to flash my private a lot but I'm older now, 2 years older, so I'm a little mature now. But I said that last time and ended up waking up in a pool naked wondering how in the hell did I end up here. Last thing I remembered I was at a party. You know, it all starts with one drink and you end up dancing to Britney Spears in front of a couple of strangers.

Oh I can't wait for Spring Break

They Call Her "The Guzzler"

What is it? What is it now? What are you trying to tell me? Talk to me damn it! Oh, it's another dirty flashback.........

Some people you just can't seem to forget because they have a reputation, a skill, a unique talent. As soon as I hit puberty sex was always on my mind. Sex, Sex, Sex gotta have it now. All the guys were. It's been about 5 years since I graduated from The High School of Hard Knocks", but a little thing a couple of days ago reminded me a girl everybody in high school new. And when I say everybody I mean the city and surrounding states. They called her C.G. a.k.a. "The Guzzler".

Every school has that girl that is just the girl that sleeps with the football team, basketball team, soccer team, baseball team, band, science club and so on every year. You could never kiss her because it would be like kissing a million dicks. One of my friends was playing around the other day and started just guzzling down the beer and I just couldn't stop laughing. I nearly choked on my own tongue. By now everybody was staring at me. They new it wasn't that funny. But no, I lost interest in that earlier. I was laughing at something else now. I was just remembering the chick called the "Cum Guzzler" and her talent.

I was talking to one of my friends back home yesterday and I asked him whatever happened to "The Guzzler"? He told me that she owns her own store now. Well the girl is now a business woman. She owns her own store. Of course I had to ask what kind of business is it. To my surprise it was a sex shop. I expected her to sell watches! Well with my girlfriend and I now interested in sex shops nowadays we are planning on going up there just to say hello. I'm scared. What will she look like now. Let me tell you my experience with her.....

Ok, I was a teenager once. Now that I'm in my twenties I'm not as sexually intrigued as I used to be.......well actually I think I'm more into sex now than I ever was before. Back to the story. So there I was walking down the hall and "The Guzzler" told me she wanted to meet me after school. I was happy. My number was up! Number 1134. So its after school and I go to the back of the gym and see 2 guys ahead of me. So when the guy finishes she keeps the "stuff" in her mouth are gargles with it and spits it out and the next guy "comes" up. I had my friend with me and he just freaked out. He never seen a girl like that before. It was like staring at a professional porn star. He barfed on me. He had this look as to please don't take me to her. First of all she asked me not you, but I didn't say that. What are friends for. I couldn't meet a professional smelling like barf, so we left. And that was my first experience with "The Guzzler".

We eventually met a few weeks later and she blew me and that was it. It was nothing great. But it was EXCELLENT! Her hands were everywhere. I felt like I was in heaven. Everything around me was totally blank. It took me 10 minutes to finally relax. When it was over she wiped her chin and grabbed some drinks from the fridge. I could never date her. It was a great one night stand.

Stick The Quarters Down The Crack And I'll Dance

I'm really am considering stripping just for fun. Go out of town perhaps 3 or 9 countries away so that nobody knows who I am and just strip. I even have my routine set up.

I would wear my jeans cut up and a baseball cap and a dirty shirt. I'll be dancing to Chris Isaak's Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing.

Thats how far I gotten so far. I plan on just winging the rest hopefully not falling off the stage or splitting my pants. My girlfriend thinks I have a great ass and said that she would stuff pennies down my pants any day. I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or run to mirror checking out my ass to see if she is just kidding.

I'll start off first in the low poor strip joints and work myself up to Vegas. I'll retire once I'm interviewed on the Today Show.

Milk Money Updated

Click on the link for the full story. Well my friend got kicked out the group. I knew he couldn't make it to the top. The greedy bastard kept all the money for himself.