Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Say It Ain't So Vince!

Vince the Shamwow guy was arrested for punching a hooker! Here's the story:

ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi was arrested on felony battery charges in Miami last month following a violent encounter with a hooker, according to The Smoking Gun:

Shlomi told cops he paid [Sasha] Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit...notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face.... After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the [hotel] lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse.

I guess she didn't like his nuts.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Haunting in Connecticut

The movie kicked ass! I like it so much I wanna take it behind a school and get it pregnant and not call it for days and come back 18 years later and enjoy the sequel.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


My girlfriend lost her cellphone but I found it but she doesn't know it yet. I never liked the ringtone she had for me so I changed it to Ms. New Booty from Bubba Sparxxx and hid it deep in her purse. I turned the ringer up to full blast and I'll call her once she's at work in a few hours from now. Let it be my prelude to April Fools. Oh, and I added a password and locked the phone.

We're always pulling pranks on each other so she'll laugh, maybe. Plus I needed to get her back for writing "I Swallow" with a sharpie on the back of my neck while I was sleeping. I didn't find out for days. So revenge is sweet.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


I like the taste of orange juice. I don't like it with the pulp because I don't like to have to chew my orange juice before I drink it. It also goes great with vodka, but what doesn't? Other than that, I love O.J. The juice that is, not the killer, excuse me, acquitted, but what's the difference, we all know he did it. I heard that the reason why the glove didn't fit was because he didn't take his medicine which made his hand swell. But let's give him the benefit of the doubt.......honestly I can't think of another scenario. I wonder if O.J. likes O.J.? Wouldn't be like cannibalism? They're both named the same thing. Kinda of like a pig eating bacon, you just shouldn't do it. Well that's my 2 cents. Enjoy the juice. Goodnight. But wait, speaking of O.J., wouldn't it be awkward to be in the same room with O.J.? Guess we could talk about football and running from cops. He was one heck of a football player. He was a good runner. Too bad that didn't work out. Too bad the slogan, "whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", didn't work out either. If I was with O.J., I'd tell him, "Hey, O.J. don't take the gun, you're O.J. that should frighten people enough". But noooooo, he had to take to gun and start hootin' & hollerin' like an old man having a walking seizure. Well, goodnight. Taste the juice. One other thing, I don't really call orange juice O.J., I'm just too lazy to change the title now, goodnight. But one other thing, only I can make a post including orange juice and cannibalism at the same time and make it seem relevant. Ok, really, goodnight this time. No more additions, except this one time I was wearing these white shorts and spilt orange juice on it and it looked liked piss. To this day I always avoid drinking orange juice and wearing white pants at the same time. And on that note, goodnight, really, goodnight.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I Do Cocaine

Sniffing the powder off the back of a peg legged stripper invigorates the joy that viagra has left me long ago. I wake up feeling nostalgic of the good times of yesteryear when dwarf porn gave me the fix I needed to get through the daily bullshit of fuckery from dumb fucks.

My fingers are broken and all but one will come up. It just so happens to be my middle finger. I call it a disablity, others call me an asshole. Makes jacking off a bitch. People think lesser of me. I guess I shouldn't masturbate in public then. I don't know what disturbs them most, the middle finger, the masturbation, or the masturbation with the middle finger.

I exhale the cigarette smoke and whisper, "what a day, what a mother fucking day".

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Today's A Good Day

I freak out and have a bad day. I think Im more bipolar than depressed. One minute Im drinking coffee, next minute Im slamming somebody's head against the wall, tomato-tamato, just stay the hell away from me. Im a crazy mothafucka! Where in the hell are my chop sticks?

I'll get to posting on everybody's blogs sometime tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I can't sleep. Looking back at my clock it's just after 4 in the morning. I sleep for a few minutes and then wake up and then go back to sleep and wake back up again. You'd be amazed by the thoughts that cross your mind in between half asleep and half awake.

I've been thinking about this for awhile and I was able to focus things a little bit more now that Im awake. So Im writing it all down so I won't forget.

Cause and Effect:

My actions now determine my future. If I knew how my life was going to end up now, I would've changed how I lived my life earlier, but Im stuck now because I know I need to change something but I don't know where to begin. I don't want to come 5 years from now and feel like I should've done this or I should've done that. I have ran every possible scenario in my head on how I should live my future better and I can't find the happy ending. One future I keep going back to is not living much longer. It's like one thing I wished I changed, just one simple small decision I made in the past is causing me so much hell today.

I lost the will to care. Death by my hands is something I don't think about as much thanks to my on again off again meds. I just feel funny mentally lately. Have you ever felt so hopeless and the thought to end it all is just something you lost interest in doing? I guess I lost the will to live and die.

Somedays I feel so weak and just one step away from having a breakdown. It hurts more putting on a front of happiness then just dealing with the depression in public. Im tired of acting happy when Im really not, but then when I just can't keep that happy streak going people start worrying and I don't like to be cared for in that way. It makes me feel more isolated like the lone survivor in the middle of nowhere. I feel like I just want to hit the reset switch and everything will return back to normal, but it's broken.

Note for everybody out there, if you know somebody is depressed, watch them very closely.

It's effecting my work and my social life now. Drinking seems like the only way to get my mind off of it. The worst days are when I drink myself to sleep. Some mornings I wake up shaking for no apparent reason.

I just keep saying to myself that this can't happen forever, can it?

Im glad to get that off my chest, Im going back to sleep now.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Damn It!

April is going to be a happy month even if I have to staple my smiles!

Friday, March 13, 2009


Depression fucking sucks! These pills Im taking make me drowsy and weak, but in good spirits somewhat. Not taking them makes me weak and depressed. I think I'll just stop taking the meds and take my chances on hoping for a good day.

But it's Friday the 13th so I had to say something about that. Im drinking more, or rather I never stopped drinking but Im drinking earlier like 6 in the morning instead 7 in the morning. Im having a drinking game at my place tonight. Its a little game I made thats a mixture of beer pong, spin the bottle and strip poker. But first we're watching The First House on the Left tonight.

So enjoy the 13th. Go and run towards black cats under ladders while throwing salt at people to make your day extra lucky.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Sunday, March 01, 2009

I Am Sofa King We Todd Ed

I need some glasses. I need it because it'll make me look smarter than I really am. I'll be getting all the play. Wait until I upgrade to bifocals, girls will be throwing all their bras and panties at me. I'll be zexy. It's how smart people say sexy. I'll be zexy and chillin with my Zima and bifocals.