Saturday, August 30, 2008

Playing With Dick

It's a Saturday night and I'm playing with my buddy Dick. Dick and I has some friends over tonight. Dick got a little wasted and had a little too much to drink. Dick can't hold his liquor. Dick vomited all over everybody. Dick got the girls soaking wet. Everybody had a little Dick on them tonight. Dick is gonna have a rough day in the morning. Dick is a little stiff when he wakes up in the morning. Dick likes to jump a round for a bit to get a load off before he starts his day. Dick is such a ladies man. All the girls love to kiss Dick. Dick did get his heart broken one time. Dick was upset. Dick was down and limp for awhile. Eventually Dick met the girl of his dreams. Dick didn't know the girl of his dreams had a controlling ex boyfriend. But Dick knows how to get out of sticky situations. Now Dick and girl of his dreams can live happily ever after.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

First of all, a follow up to the crabs post. Turns out that my friend had the crabs first liked he hoped, so I guess the revenge went through, I think. You know for a minute while he was telling me this, he sounded relieved. He said that she was even more upset to think that she could've gotten it from the guy she slept with. I advised him that at the end of the day he'll still have crabs. But he corrected me and told me that at the end of the day they will both still have crabs. This will be the last time he'll crash on my couch.

So on with my post. I want to be a pimp. My pimp name would be P.I.M.P. You'd have to spell it for me to respond. I'd have the goldfish shoes, gotta have the goldfish.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


It takes a sick friend to have a sick friend. My friend gave his ex girlfriend crabs on purpose. I'm like geez, that's cruel and fucked up and something that I would do. I asked what she did to deserve it and he said that she cheated on him. Then I asked if she could've been the one to give him the crabs first. He paused and never was the same since. Guess I'll hear the update tomorrow.

Sometimes revenge has a way getting you back. That's a lesson learned. I have some dirty ass friends. True he was cheating on his girlfriend and I guess she was cheating on him too, and now not only do they probably have crabs, but the other two people involved. He should of just broke into her car and rolled it down a hill into a river like I would've done. Knowing my luck he'd be sleeping my girlfriend and I was the one that gave her the crabs and started the epidemic. Wouldn't my face be red. But I don't have crabs....since I checked right after I had that thought.

Well, that was my Thursday, so how was your day today everybody?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Are You Down With The Sickness?

Since updating my blog to whatever the hell blogger is doing now, I noticed that I slacked off on posting. 2006 seemed to be a good year when I felt like posting shit. 2005, not so good, but I just started the blog. So far its starting to look a little slow.

Starting now I'm going to post the hell out of this blog. My goal is to reach 500 post this year. You guys are going to hear a lot from me. Pending depression and suicidal thoughts may delay it, but so far I'm feeling like a ten year old hopped up on cocaine.

You know, fuck 500. I'm going for 1000 post this year! Well considering that I'm only at 90 and it took me 8 months to get to that, lets keep it at 500. You know, fuck that too, lets just get to 100 and call it a day. Well lets just see if I can make it to 91. No! Fuck that! 500 is my goal and I'm sticking too it. And if I do it, I can hit my 1000th post. And I'm going all out on that post. I'm gonna rock out with my cock out!

And on that note

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Hookers Are People Too

When hookers ask me if I wanna have a good time, I feel loved.

Sunday, August 24, 2008


When my life gets boring, I feel like its my duty to bore you too, so hears my fucking updates so sit the fuck down and listen, pretty please.

Well, thats it on the updates. Goodnight

Oh yeah, how can I forget. Somebody got tased by the cops last night. You never know how bad it hurts until you see the look on the persons face. I know what I want for Christmas. I think he was drunk or something. I don't know if his slurred shouting was from the taser or the alcohol, either way it was funny as hell.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I just found out that it really wasn't Big Foot! It was a rubber costume the entire time. I thought for sure it was the real thing this time.

The funny thing is that "Big Foot" was bought by a scientist who examined the "body". LOL. I wish I could see the look on his face. Dumbass. What the fuck did he expect to find in the box?

An hour of thawing later and the feet were exposed — and they were found to be made of rubber.
Spending all your money on what could be the world's most looked for creature ever to inhabit the Earth----a fortune. Realizing that it was just a giant rubber suit-----Priceless.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Matt Lauer Says......

It's The Olympics Beeyotch, on NBC!

Michael Phelps this, Michael Phelps that, I'm tired of hearing about it. Let's get back to those broken Olympic dreams of yesteryear


1)It was a hard big black stick
2)It was really really hard

Sounds like an old porno.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Where's Nessy & The Unicorns?

With Big Foot being found and all, I can have a sigh of relief. But with chupacabra still on the loose waiting to suck my blood, I have to wonder if the Loch Ness Monster and the unicorns will come out of hiding.

So the story goes that they found the body in the woods. I don't know if it's just me, but I wouldn't want to carry a rotting decomposing giant smelly 500+ pounds half man half beast back to my home, but I am a sick fucking bastard so I'll probably just make camp and eat it before it goes bad. Wouldn't you wonder what will happen if it was just sleeping and it wakes up suddenly wondering what the fuck. I know what I would do, I'd push my buddy to the ground and run, fuck that. I'd probably break his leg so he couldn't escape. He'd understand.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Group Therapy

I'm left my support group today. After all this time with them and the people that we see there one day and disappear the next makes me feel I need a break from it all. We were all strangers when we entered the room, but at the end of the day we all became friends. Some of us were just passing by and we never knew if they "did it" or not because they kept silent and just listened. We never forced people to talk about it, we didn't even ask. They didn't have to say anything until they were ready to.

It's hard to get attached to people that at one point felt like offing themselves and at some point they might have a relapse and go over the edge. I remember getting close to someone and that person having a relapse and actually going through with it. I was shocked and a little angry and I don't wanna to go through that again. I feel as if I can no longer be a part of it and everybody involved with it. I didn't want to hear the news that John Smith went ahead and slit his wrist or overdosing. I've heard too many stories of failed attempts and the members coming back to describe what drove them over the edge.

It was a hard decision that I've been thinking about for awhile and I went ahead and announced it yesterday to the group. They were all really supportive of my decision and wished me the best. Now I have to go with what I learned and stay strong and support myself. It was hard letting go but I knew I had to forget them.


Well I'm in contact with 2 of the members. My mentor I still will talk to occasionally, and my protege I feel I have stay in contact with him until he feels he's ready.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Pick Her Up

I got three things on my mind: you, me, naked.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Penis Monologues #5

Dear Editor:

My Mom Caught Me Masturbating

Nothing can be more embarrassing then having your mom catch you masturbating when you're a teenager. I remember it like it was yesterday. I got the new issue of Playboy from a friend at school and I couldn't wait to get home.

It was time, and I was home. My dad was at work and my mom was at my little brother's soccer practice so I would have the house to myself. So I whipped it out and massaged the weasel. It was great, and at the time of the point of no return, my mom opened my door. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. As it was coming out, my mom and I were just staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. When I realized what the fuck was going on, I covered myself and my freaking mom sat beside me and gave me the sex talk. Out of all the times to have this conversation! I was half naked with a playboy in one hand and my dick in the other and my mom giving me the sex talk. Then when she was done, she walked out the room and closed the door. I didn't know what to say or do. I wanted to run away.

I knew dinner would be awkward. My dad asked me how my day was. I looked at mom at through the corner of my eye just to not make direct contact and said "OK". Eventually as the months went on, I was able to look my mother in her eyes again. We never mentioned again.

It took me awhile to get the nerve to masturbate. My mom would always knock on my door before she entered my room and asked if I was decent as she slowly opened the door and knocked.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008


I dug up my nose, so what ya gonna do about it!?

I found some old shampoo in my bathroom that expired. Why should I throw it out? At one point it was of some use, and I was out of shampoo and I already wet my hair so I didn't want to stop. It smelled ok but felt weird in my hands. Since I wasn't eating it how much damage can it do on my head? So I tried it and it got in my eyes and burned like hell. I'll wake in the morning with all my hair out and blood coming out of my eyes. That'll be a lesson learned.

I have some expired medicine. I'm sure it's bad for you. I guess I should throw it out. It's like I have a death factory in my home. I'll o.d. on expired medicine and shampoo.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

House of Kink

I'm thinking of upgrading my girl thats a friend to my girlfriend. But once I label her that I'll end up breaking up with her. Since I've been a little on the down side she decided to give me a special night. I don't know what she has planned but I have my hopes! I guess depression has its perks.

Good State Of Mind

I had a thought today. I'm thinking that I won't be truly happy until I get a "Good State of Mind". I was thinking about the things in my life that I could improve and all the things that I really wanted happened. And if all those things do happen I wondered if I wouldn't be depressed anymore. I thought of it, and nothing would change. I would have everything in my life that I wanted and still be depressed. I'd have to be mentally happy to become physically happy. That is the one thing I don't know how to fix.

Friday, August 01, 2008


Happiness is the placebo we give ourselves to hide from the depression that we all really have.

Make it a Blockbuster Night.