Penis Monologues #5

Dear Editor:

My Mom Caught Me Masturbating

Nothing can be more embarrassing then having your mom catch you masturbating when you're a teenager. I remember it like it was yesterday. I got the new issue of Playboy from a friend at school and I couldn't wait to get home.

It was time, and I was home. My dad was at work and my mom was at my little brother's soccer practice so I would have the house to myself. So I whipped it out and massaged the weasel. It was great, and at the time of the point of no return, my mom opened my door. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. As it was coming out, my mom and I were just staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. When I realized what the fuck was going on, I covered myself and my freaking mom sat beside me and gave me the sex talk. Out of all the times to have this conversation! I was half naked with a playboy in one hand and my dick in the other and my mom giving me the sex talk. Then when she was done, she walked out the room and closed the door. I didn't know what to say or do. I wanted to run away.

I knew dinner would be awkward. My dad asked me how my day was. I looked at mom at through the corner of my eye just to not make direct contact and said "OK". Eventually as the months went on, I was able to look my mother in her eyes again. We never mentioned again.

It took me awhile to get the nerve to masturbate. My mom would always knock on my door before she entered my room and asked if I was decent as she slowly opened the door and knocked.

Penis Monologues #4

Dear Editor:

I Have A Small Penis

As a teenager I assumed that my penis would get bigger as I got older and that I just haven't hit my growth spurt aka big dick yet. Now I'm in my twenties and my penis is the same size. Less than an inch unaroused and about an inch and a quarter aroused.

Sex wasn't pleasant. I always did it with the lights off. It didn't really hit me until one girl I was having sex with asked me to quit the foreplay and fuck her. I didn't want to tell her that I was fucking her for the past 10 minutes and she didn't even feel it. I told her I wasn't in the mood and left the room.

Now when I have sex, I attach strap-on dildo to do it. It still hurts me to write that. I cry everytime I have sex because my penis is too small and I need this "enhancement". I'm afraid that the girl I'm dating will see me wearing a strap-on and call me a freak.

Just like girls are paranoid about small breast, guys are just as embarrassed about their penis size. I am a freak. Maybe when I'm 40 my penis will finally get bigger. Here's hoping.

Penis Monologues #3

Dear Editor:

I Have Testicular Cancer.

I remember when I was in my P.E. class and the teacher separated the girls and the boys in 2 different classes. She was a female teacher so she took the girls and she put in a movie for us and left the room. A son and his father were talking about touching their balls. I didn't know what to make of the situation. I came to realize it was a video about checking your nuts for cancer.

Years down the line, I check my balls everytime I take a shower. One day I checked and found one of them slightly abnormal. I had my girlfriend check it out to see if she see's anything weird and she said she did. My heart felt like it stopped. My girlfriend was talking to me asking me if I was ok when I snapped back to reality. I had to go get it confirmed at the doctor.

The night before the doctor's visit was heart wrenching. The day of the visit was even worse. The waiting room was pure hell. The nurse called me in and told me the doctor will be in shortly. It felt like an eternity. The doctor finally came in and gave a little small talk. I asked him to cut the shit and get to the examination. He asked me to undress and put on this thing. He did his test and left the room and told me he'll be back in few minutes.

The room felt so cold. I looked around me and felt so empty inside. The doctor came back and told me he has the results of my test. He said that I have Testicular Cancer. Emotions filled me. I started shaking in fear. He put his hand on my shoulder and said that it's ok, BECAUSE ITS APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!

My girlfriend and doctor set this whole thing up! I whispered to myself mummering looking at them both back and forth saying that it's November 29th. As the tears started coming down I asked them if it is true, is it true that I don't have cancer? The laughter stopped. My girlfriend said that it started out as a joke but the test was actually correct, you do have cancer. Anger filled me. My girlfriend told me to look on the bright side. I cut her off and shouted, "WHAT BRIGHT SIDE! I HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER!" She said that if it wasn't for the prank then you've never would've known. The doctor then said that the cancer can be removed safely, but we have to remove one of them. I replied with a loud "what".

I couldn't live life with one ball! He said that he can put a fake one in to replace it. Like that shit would make me feel better. Might as well just take them both and just leave me with a dick. I felt like I was Mr. Potato Head's private parts.

I eventually broke down and decided to have the surgery. It was successful. I'm happier nowadays. I broke up with my girlfriend and blew up her car. In my mind, it felt like the fair thing to do. Here's hoping her lawsuit will be thrown out. The doctor lost his license. I'm dating his daughter now. I sent him a gift in the mail for helping me out. It seems that he didn't like he sex tape I made of his daughter and I that I sent him. Oh well, life sucks doesn't it!

Comment from the Editor:

Testicular Cancer is a bad thing, at least so I read on Wikipedia. So if righty and lefty feel a little biggie small, go to a doctor and have him feel your nuts. It might save your life.

Keep strong Testicular Cancer survivors, this letter is for you!

Penis Monologues #2

Dear Editor:

Embrace The Penis Pump.

Being an avid reader of the arts and entertainment, I found myself reading the February issue of Hustler. Towards the end of the mag, I found an advertisement for a penis pump. It wasn't just any kind of penis pump, it was The Top Gauge Professional Pump. It had freaking gauges! It's like a penis pump of the future. Not to toot my own horn, but I never really needed the pump, but I've always wanted to try it.

So I ordered it. I was so pumped when it finally came in. I used it as soon as it came in. Calling out for work never felt so good. I couldn't believe how big it gotten! My girlfriend was out of town but I really wanted to try it out on somebody. I didn't want to ask my ex girlfriends to help me out because it would've been awkward and it'll be considered cheating. So I had to get a random girl that I don't know to have sex with me. Of course I'd have to pay her for her services for helping me out to make sure the pump worked out correctly. Unfortunately the cops didn't see it that way. I didn't know she was an undercover cop. I was asking for sex but I wasn't looking to her as being a prostitute, honest. I was looking for a nice woman who would have sex with a stranger.

I had to call my girlfriend to wire me the money to bail me out of jail. I had to lie to her about why I was arrested. I felt so bad. I told her that I was arrested for selling drugs. I felt that telling her that I was selling drugs instead of paying for sex would go down much easier. Then she started crying and I really needed to know if she was going to send the money or not before I had to go back.

To make a long story short, I wrote this on toilet tissue and mailed out in hopes that my voice will be heard. As I wait in jail for the judge to see me, I had some time to think about how I could've avoided this situation. But I have to look at the bright side, at least my dick is bigger.

Penis Monologues #1

Dear Editor:

Viagra, Tell Me What It Means To Me.

Seeing the commercials and seeing the happy couples, I felt that it was the one hope of saving my marriage. You see, my marriage is all I have left. Without my family, I just have nothing. I wanted to keep it a secret from my wife so that the added enhancement would be a surprise and the match to ignite the spark in my marriage once again.

So I got my first bottle of Viagra. I just had one small problem, I have a really dry throat so I have a hard time swallowing. So what worked best for me was to crush it up and mix it with some water and drink it. The first night was spectacular. As time went on, I felt that I needed that extra jump. Let me first say is that I'm not a drug user, but my friend told me how he would enhance his sexual experience. He would crush the pills into powder form and sniff it directly through his nose. I shrugged it off and laughed because I couldn't believe it. I asked him if it really works and he said it works even better. So I tried it once. The effects were immediate and you wouldn't have to wait to take it effect verses taking it orally. It not only messes with your mind, it improves your performance. I was the man my wife saw when we were in high school. So much power in me, I felt renewed!

As time went on, I started sniffing the Viagra powder more often then I liked to. It went from just doing it for sex into just doing it just to do it. I became addicted to snorting Viagra. It became noticeable with the nose bleeds and the constant rubbing of my nose. My job and worst of all, my marriage started to fall apart. It felt like I was worst off now than before I started taking it. But I was addicted, knowing that everything is falling apart in front of my eyes, I still continued to battle the motivation of continuing Viagra. I realized I hit rock bottom when I started to freebase Viagra off my 6 year olds' Easy Bake Oven.

But years later, I'm fully rehabilitated. My marriage is in a place I like. My sex is life is better now. If I take Viagra with food and swallowing it with it then I don't have to worry about the difficulty swallowing it whole.

The 1st Of Many 1's

Some people say my blog is classless and insulting. So to act more mature on my blog I'm going to do something I've never done before. I will post once a week about the penis and call it the PENIS MONOLOGUES (echos in the background) . It will also include the trial and tribulations of drugs to induce a more positive sexual experience.

The posts will be short and brief (no pun intended)or somtimes long. They'll make you laugh and they will make you cry. But most of all, they will make you a better person.