*sigh* April Fools

I really wasn't feeling it this year. Am I growing out of pranks? My friends expected the worst from me this April Fools but I just wasn't feeling it. Actually, I wasn't feeling it on April Fools day. The point of April Fools is to trick the person but when the person least expects it, that's why you have to get them after it's over so they never expect it. And that's what I did! After April Fools.

A few scary text messages and some blood capsules and a bloody knife was more than enough to scare the shit out of my friends. But really, what I have a mood swing that severe that quick out of nowhere? It was classic. I put the ass in asshole. But would you expect any less?

Having Financial Problems?

Their's a way out. Suicide.

But really, all these reports of people killing themselves and their family's because they feel like they have no choice. Their is a way out. This coming from me of all people. Instead of facing reality, people choose not to face it. We all know its tough, we are all in the same situation. Do some cutbacks. You don't know how peanut butter and jelly sandwiches can save you money. Apply at McDonald's. Carpool. Work out deals with your debtors. When/If I commit suicide, it won't be over fucking money, please. Money is the least of my worries. Being filthy rich or filthy and poor means no difference to me. It's the way you handle yourself. These are the people who were in debt and knew they were in debt and thought things will get better. Stop applying for fucking credit cards. You do balance transfers from one credit card to another until your thousands in debt.

I read one story about a guy who wanted to kill himself but decided to kill himself and his entire family because he thought it was honorable. I know it's sad, but it's stupid. PEOPLE, IT'S FUCKING MONEY! YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT IT AND SURVIVE! Do you think the cavemen worried about money? Maybe we should all just resort to actually getting stuff ourselves instead of buying it. If you can find it or can't make it, then you don't need it. People are so damn adjusted to having things done for them. Get off your ass and do it yourself. Get a farm and grow your own food. I must've of missed the day when the dollar became the price of your soul. Get over it.

Do I Frighten You?

Hello friend
We've known each other for years
I've been with you through your most difficult times
Although I've been absent during the good ones,
I remained close to you from the distance
How often we try to forget each other,
Something always draws us back together
We both know how to break this relationship
I don't think you're ready to take it to that level
Do you remember that time long ago
That time at night we were both alone
You had a bad day that day
You came and picked me up
I listened while you talked
I stayed there, silent
You wanted to hear my voice
But then again,
You didn't want to hear what I had to say
Because you knew exactly what I wanted to say
You're up and downs seem to be tearing you up
I do feel sympathy for you
I care for you
But we can't go on like this
We both must end it here and now
Why are you crying?
Quit your whining
I have other appointments you know
Look at you
Shaking like a little baby
What is it?
I should've ended you when I had the chance
Do I frighten you?
Come close to me
I've just been dying to tell you something
Hold me tight in your hands
Wrap your fingers around my body
And pull my trigger

24 Hours To Live

What would you do?

If it was a violent death then I would do nothing. I'd wait in an empty room listening to my ipod just waiting for it to happen.

If it was a peaceful death then I would get in a high speed chase and probably have a suicide by cop.

Just wanted to let you know.

Group Therapy

I'm left my support group today. After all this time with them and the people that we see there one day and disappear the next makes me feel I need a break from it all. We were all strangers when we entered the room, but at the end of the day we all became friends. Some of us were just passing by and we never knew if they "did it" or not because they kept silent and just listened. We never forced people to talk about it, we didn't even ask. They didn't have to say anything until they were ready to.

It's hard to get attached to people that at one point felt like offing themselves and at some point they might have a relapse and go over the edge. I remember getting close to someone and that person having a relapse and actually going through with it. I was shocked and a little angry and I don't wanna to go through that again. I feel as if I can no longer be a part of it and everybody involved with it. I didn't want to hear the news that John Smith went ahead and slit his wrist or overdosing. I've heard too many stories of failed attempts and the members coming back to describe what drove them over the edge.

It was a hard decision that I've been thinking about for awhile and I went ahead and announced it yesterday to the group. They were all really supportive of my decision and wished me the best. Now I have to go with what I learned and stay strong and support myself. It was hard letting go but I knew I had to forget them.

*update*

Well I'm in contact with 2 of the members. My mentor I still will talk to occasionally, and my protege I feel I have stay in contact with him until he feels he's ready.

Happy Paraskavedekatriaphobia Day

I love days that scare people!


We're having a Slasher Fridays night tonight. We're watching The Happening. My friends think it's inappropriate for me to watch that movie. Just because I'm in suicide therapy doesn't mean that watching a movie about people killing themselves is going to hurt me. It wouldn't make it better, but what the hell. If I do kill myself after watching the movie, I'd blame my friends for making me watch it so they'll be haunted by it. How dare they make a suicidal person watch this! I own the movie The Bridge, and you don't see me jumping off any bridges. Uh, sidenote, if I do write a post about going to California for a trip, please stop me. I never plan on going to California for fun. I'm imagining taking a trip a meeting new people along the way on my journey to California and then ending it all. I'd better stop thinking about it now.


Tit's also going to be Father's Day this weekend so I can't get too plastered tonight since I have to drive back home to visit my dad tomorrow. My parents don't want another "incident" on their hands. I still don't know what to get him. I'm an impulse late buyer. You'll see me shopping for Christmas presents Christmas morning, well maybe Christmas afternoon once I wake up.

Happy Father's Day to all you dads and deadbeat dads, some of us are still waiting for that court ordered child support.

Unloved & Unhappiness

One of our members from our group committed suicide last weekend. Her sister told one of her friends in the group and she told a few people. I eventually heard it from somebody yesterday. I really didn't talk to her much but I thought she was making progress. All it takes is one thing to push you over the edge. Makes you kind of wonder if a suicide support group can't help you then what can? This makes things much worse now. I really didn't need the news this weekend.

A New Way

Life and accidental deaths involving people are like parellel lines. Millions and millions of lines cross each other but never crash into each other. At times they come really close by a day or minutes and avoids contact. But when those parellel lines collide, death happens. Then you go back to how the parellel lines begin with birth and what caused those lines to crash at that certain moment. Then you kind of wonder what you could've done to lower or raise your parellel line just far enough where it would've never crashed.

Don't you wish you kind of knew when you were going to die? Sort of like knowing your own future. I'd say life would be more fulfilling if that was the case. Or if everybody had an envelope and inside it you would know exactly when you die and how you die. So you'd have that option. If I had the choice I would look in the envelope. Being at peace with my own death would make me treat life happier. I'm just thinking of a lot of things.

We had a new visitor today in our group. The stuff he was saying made us think about a lot. It's hard to explain what he said but it felt like a new way to view life. It kind of made me feel good and bad at the same time. I can't stop thinking about it. It's going to be one of those nights tonight.

Eating the Heart of a Newborn Polar Bear

Wow, you know I remember posting something but I didn't remember what it was. It was the meds talking. Not to sound depressing but if I decided to commit suicide, I wouldn't blog it, at least not right before. By the way things are going, I think my last post would be a big tip off. Something like, "I'm going to fix a big bowl of rice krispies and submerge myself inside it until I numb the pain away or die".

Sanjaya Malakar - WTF?!

Every fucking day I see the news talking about Sanjaya. I decided to watch one of the episodes from the Antichrist American Idol on You Tube to see whats up.



I like No Doubt. I think Gwen Stefani is hot. I like the song Bathwater. What the fuck dude. How in the fuck did he make to the top 7? Obviously somebody has fucked up with the phones, crossed lines or something!

LOL



Now just in case it was the song choice. Maybe this dude has talent. It's gotta be it. He can't be that bad. Let's try this video.



Top 7! How in the fuck! If he fucking wins this competition I'm slitting my wrist over the TV. You can blame Sanjaya Malakar for my suicide.

Untitled

Some days I just wish I could just keep going in my car. Pass by everything that is familiar to me. When I run out of gas, that will be my new home. The phone rings. The ringing hurts my head. When I'm stressed with life, I turn off all the lights and turn off all the phones and close the door and put the pillow over my head hoping that when/if I wake up, life would be better, I'm still waiting.

Are we actually happy with our lives? Being human is the most depressing thing to me. Nobody is truly happy. We want and we need something. I need something in my life that I can't find. It's like trying to find water in the ocean. Everything you want is all around you but you don't know what to do with it.

I think I'm reverting emotionally back to my past. Why am I so disgusted by happiness? Is that if I can't be happy then nobody can be happy? I like dark things. Dark things are my way of living. All my life I have been dark. Some days stress just builds so much that I just can't take it anymore. I begin to think of the things holding me back from actually killing myself. If I didn't have my girlfriend, friends and family then I would've taken my life a long time ago. When I start thinking about suicide then I just think about them until it goes away. Is that how I want to live my life? I just don't see a point. Why try so hard and get nothing for it. I could have a billion dollars and still feel the same way I feel now. Money can't buy me happiness.

Bad news always hits me together. I used to be optimistic with bad news because whenever you have bad news, good news would always follow. The more upsetting the bad news is, the better the good news will be. But over the years, more terrible news and small good news have come. It's like the world is breezing by me and I'm walking backwards. I don't see any hope in it. To be honest with you, I can't see my future. My past has been bad, my present has been bad, so the future is probably going to be bad too. I can't see myself living a long life. One of these days depression is going to hit me so hard that I won't be able to get out of it in time for someone to help me. It seems to be getting worst each year. I say that if I'm still alive at 35 then I know that I did beat this. That's many years down the line so I'll have plenty of time to contemplate life.

I don't see what can help me. I've talked to people and took medication but I can't seem to stop it. It's driving me crazy! It's like have no control over my life anymore. I feel broken and I can't be put back together. I want to know what it's like to be truly happy. If someone knows, please tell me. I need some hope that happiness is not just my imagination.

After writing this I feel a little better. I guess I just needed to write out what I couldn't say. Well at least one positive thing out of all of this is that I have no desire to do drugs or drink heavier than usual. I just tend to shut everybody out until I feel better. I have a birthday coming up in 4 months. Let's hope it's a happy one.