Penis Monologues #3

Dear Editor:

I Have Testicular Cancer.

I remember when I was in my P.E. class and the teacher separated the girls and the boys in 2 different classes. She was a female teacher so she took the girls and she put in a movie for us and left the room. A son and his father were talking about touching their balls. I didn't know what to make of the situation. I came to realize it was a video about checking your nuts for cancer.

Years down the line, I check my balls everytime I take a shower. One day I checked and found one of them slightly abnormal. I had my girlfriend check it out to see if she see's anything weird and she said she did. My heart felt like it stopped. My girlfriend was talking to me asking me if I was ok when I snapped back to reality. I had to go get it confirmed at the doctor.

The night before the doctor's visit was heart wrenching. The day of the visit was even worse. The waiting room was pure hell. The nurse called me in and told me the doctor will be in shortly. It felt like an eternity. The doctor finally came in and gave a little small talk. I asked him to cut the shit and get to the examination. He asked me to undress and put on this thing. He did his test and left the room and told me he'll be back in few minutes.

The room felt so cold. I looked around me and felt so empty inside. The doctor came back and told me he has the results of my test. He said that I have Testicular Cancer. Emotions filled me. I started shaking in fear. He put his hand on my shoulder and said that it's ok, BECAUSE ITS APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!

My girlfriend and doctor set this whole thing up! I whispered to myself mummering looking at them both back and forth saying that it's November 29th. As the tears started coming down I asked them if it is true, is it true that I don't have cancer? The laughter stopped. My girlfriend said that it started out as a joke but the test was actually correct, you do have cancer. Anger filled me. My girlfriend told me to look on the bright side. I cut her off and shouted, "WHAT BRIGHT SIDE! I HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER!" She said that if it wasn't for the prank then you've never would've known. The doctor then said that the cancer can be removed safely, but we have to remove one of them. I replied with a loud "what".

I couldn't live life with one ball! He said that he can put a fake one in to replace it. Like that shit would make me feel better. Might as well just take them both and just leave me with a dick. I felt like I was Mr. Potato Head's private parts.

I eventually broke down and decided to have the surgery. It was successful. I'm happier nowadays. I broke up with my girlfriend and blew up her car. In my mind, it felt like the fair thing to do. Here's hoping her lawsuit will be thrown out. The doctor lost his license. I'm dating his daughter now. I sent him a gift in the mail for helping me out. It seems that he didn't like he sex tape I made of his daughter and I that I sent him. Oh well, life sucks doesn't it!

Comment from the Editor:

Testicular Cancer is a bad thing, at least so I read on Wikipedia. So if righty and lefty feel a little biggie small, go to a doctor and have him feel your nuts. It might save your life.

Keep strong Testicular Cancer survivors, this letter is for you!