Penis Monologues #2

Dear Editor:

Embrace The Penis Pump.

Being an avid reader of the arts and entertainment, I found myself reading the February issue of Hustler. Towards the end of the mag, I found an advertisement for a penis pump. It wasn't just any kind of penis pump, it was The Top Gauge Professional Pump. It had freaking gauges! It's like a penis pump of the future. Not to toot my own horn, but I never really needed the pump, but I've always wanted to try it.

So I ordered it. I was so pumped when it finally came in. I used it as soon as it came in. Calling out for work never felt so good. I couldn't believe how big it gotten! My girlfriend was out of town but I really wanted to try it out on somebody. I didn't want to ask my ex girlfriends to help me out because it would've been awkward and it'll be considered cheating. So I had to get a random girl that I don't know to have sex with me. Of course I'd have to pay her for her services for helping me out to make sure the pump worked out correctly. Unfortunately the cops didn't see it that way. I didn't know she was an undercover cop. I was asking for sex but I wasn't looking to her as being a prostitute, honest. I was looking for a nice woman who would have sex with a stranger.

I had to call my girlfriend to wire me the money to bail me out of jail. I had to lie to her about why I was arrested. I felt so bad. I told her that I was arrested for selling drugs. I felt that telling her that I was selling drugs instead of paying for sex would go down much easier. Then she started crying and I really needed to know if she was going to send the money or not before I had to go back.

To make a long story short, I wrote this on toilet tissue and mailed out in hopes that my voice will be heard. As I wait in jail for the judge to see me, I had some time to think about how I could've avoided this situation. But I have to look at the bright side, at least my dick is bigger.