I'm Back.....

What a hellish few weeks I had. When a bad day turns into a bad week and then so on. I got really really depressed over the past few weeks. A few attempted slits of the wrist, a few calls to the suicide hotline and a meeting with my sponsor and I'm back to normal. Today is not a great day but it's a better day. I'm just surrounded by so much negativity that it's just bringing me down. I haven't been this bad in awhile. 2009 is starting off with a bang.

Over the past few weeks I thought about a lot of things including the impact my death would have on the people that care for me. I tried to compensate by thinking how my life would be much better if I wasn't in each and every one of their lives. Luckily I came back to my senses. I GOT MEDS!!!!!! Yummy meds. I'm poppin' them like skittles, safely, so far, sometimes.

I had so many things to write about over those weeks but I just lost interest in everything. I wanted to keep you guys updated and that I'm good. I don't know how much longer I'm going to keep writing to this blog. My interest in everything is starting to go away. The way I see things now, I'll probably start blogging less and less until I just won't blog anymore. But I'm still a little depressed so it just might be the depression and the meds talking.

Last weekend, one of my neighbors across the street had a heart attack and died. I never knew him but I always saw him.

But frankly, I'm tired of drowning my problems here, plus it's Friday the 13th. A day of fear for other people tends to put a smile on my face. Plus I have something to smile about, my girlfriend has been with me through this difficult time as well so I'll show her my thanks tomorrow. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with during my moods.

My next post will definitely be more upbeat whenever I write again. I'll try and get to everybody's blogs eventually. You know what's really ironic, I have my ipod on shuffle and it went to Peter Gabriel's "Don't Give Up". My sponsor gave me a list of songs to motivate me. So I look for Eminem's "Crack A Bottle" to give me some real motivation. That's my shit.

Have a happy 13th and a commerically corrupt day made up by the government called V-Day. Guess you know which movie I'm watching tonight.

Marriage

Not interested. The ring of prison. You're stuck for life until your spouse puts you on some life insurance and puts arsenic in your coffee, yeah, thats the life for me. Tied down to these kids I don't even know are mine because my wife and I split up and she came back to me pregnant. Waking up to the same face day after day after day. Smelling the same morning breath. Having my wife not care anymore about how she looks. Coming home from work to a cold dinner in a dark room with a depressed wife and a suicidal kid, like father like son. Marriage is not the life for me. Give me a girlfriend with no strings attached.

The Million Dollar Question

Are you ok? Are you sure?

Just because you have a suicidal past doesn't mean that everytime I'm upset means I'm going to kill myself. Even though I keep having those simulated thoughts of death, but that's another post.

It's like people expect me to be happy all the time. Like I say in the subtitle: Happiness is the placebo we give ourselves to hide from the depression that we all really have. But oddly enough, asking if I was ok was the one thing I didn't want anybody to ask me, but it helped.