Wednesday, May 21, 2008

How To Mend A Broken Heart?

Throw her lifeless body over the bridge.

But seriously, I find that if the relationship isn't fucked up near the end of the relationship then you have to fuck it up so the break up will be smooth. My logic may be fucked up, and I might be headed towards divorce court before I hit the altar, but that's me.

I don't think I ever had a broken heart. Relationships get my mind off the things I don't want to think about, so when it ends, I have nothing else to do but think about the things I don't want to think about. Kind of like doing cocaine, maybe not really like cocaine. Maybe a little like swallowing a lot of pills and washing it down with tequila then realizing that you forgot to tell your girlfriend that you're breaking up with her, but it's too late so you try to drive to see her to tell her but you're too messed up and you get in a car accident and near death and you try to call her on your cell but there's no signal, but she so happens to drive by you and sees you laying out of your car near death and she hears you say something so she comes closer to you in tears asking what you said, and you tell her in a raspy blood guzzling voice, "The relationship isn't working out", and you die. So it'll be something like that.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Girl of My Dreams

I found the girl of my dreams! She cooks and clean. She wants sex just as much as I do and she wants to give it whenever I ask. And she's only $10 an hour. Kind of like a marriage. I'm never getting married. I won't be able to wake up and smell the morning breath of my significant other in my face. I can't stand for her "letting herself go". It's like since we're married, I could give a fuck about how unattractive I look. I can't go to my kid's soccer match with all the soccer dads talking about how miserable our lives are. I want to get genital herpes at 82 years old. I want to die holding a bottle of beer in one hand and a boob of a girl at hooters in the other. My other brother looks so miserable with his wife. He doesn't notice it but I see it. My mom and dad are happily married, but if they didn't have any kids they would've been living the single life by now. Marriage is a trap door with a broken lock. Once your in, you're stuck. I'm like, I like you but I don't want to see you in the morning. Then theirs the "I Love You's". What's the point of saying it. If we're together, isn't that enough. Need the relationship be based on words? But I digress. The woman of my dreams is a prostitute. Pay her for her services and smiles. Not looking for something permanent and would leave before you even wake up in the morning. Isn't marriage the same thing? The only difference is that in marriage, she never leaves.

I'd end up married with 10 kids by the time I hit 30. All I keep saying is that I should've wore that condom. Kids asking me for money to the zoo, "I should've wore that condom". Need money for college, "I should've wore that condom". The prostitute I had sex with is pregnant with twins, "I should've wore that condom".

Thursday, May 08, 2008


People, are you really working towards a goal in life? Do we put on our business suit or new dress to a life that you just don't like? Or are you just putting on your death suit? You will realize that your life has up to now been a complete fucking waste. Bad relationships and bad decisions caused you to think about all the errors of your life. Here's your chance to correct that fuck up and give your life a little more substance. I have the one answer to fix all of this! But I won't tell ya because you know, yeah, give it a second, that's it. Now go and live your life, you sick bastards!


Sunday, May 04, 2008

It's Been A Long Time Baby

Sorry for the drop off. The break up was smooth and quick. Her boyfriend broke up with her and I left her at the restaurant crying. I'm sure I'll see her trying to destroy my life like so many others had in my past and now my future.

I started thinking about things over the past few days. Kind of one of those life changing things. Life is short, especially when you try to kill yourself, so why not make the most of it. As I try to figure that out, I'll continue to speak my mine. Perhaps knock a hooker up so she can abort my bastard child and elope and move to Sweden and have an affair with a 80 year woman at her husband's funeral while banging her daughter. You only have one life, and life is short, so just fuck it over as much as possible. Goodnight!