Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Where You Been Fuck Face?!

Where have you been asshole! I see my friends everyday and just because I don't post something doesn't mean I don't exist. Lately things have been slow and calm, not that I'm not complaining. I like it when things are settled down. But I know something big is building in the near future, it always does.

Oh yeah, how can I forget! We got a new dog! And the motherfucker bit my finger the other day! I don't like it. I hate the dog. It better not have rabies! It always barks and it always runs out the door when we open it, but it always comes back......damn. Its ruining my life! She calls the dog Blue because, actually I have no idea why she calls it that. I call it a shit carrying doggie bag with legs. The dog was actually a stray, so we are going to keep it for a few days. And I'm trying my best to find that owner.

Its a little too quiet right now. FUCK!!!!! the fucking dog chewed my ps2 controller! Why is she laughing? Why is my girlfriend laughing! The dog is going to the pound tomorrow.

I can't sleep and I can't eat. Its like I'm infatuated with somebody, but its that fucking dog thats got me going crazy. I can't eat in peace! I have to wear my jeans whenever I eat because it jumps on my legs and claws it until I bleed or until it gets something. I always feed it and walk it and everything. Even after it finishes eating, it still wants more. So I give it more food and he doesn't want it. That reminds me, I also call it "You Fucker" because he knows that he's bad and he continues to do it.

The dog doesn't like me. It only jumps on my leg and only chews up my stuff. It has never touched her stuff. I actually watched it one day to see what he does. He was walking by some clothes that I laid on the floor on purpose. I put my girlfriends' shirt on one side and my shirt on the other. And you know what that dog did? It fucking took a piss on my shirt and walked away. But NOOOOOOOOO, it did not a single damn thing to her shirt. He knows my scent and does everything to destroy everything that is mine. The dog fucking got right next to my face today and started barking at 5 in the morning scaring me half to death.

Don't get me wrong, I love dogs. That is the only pet that I can actually take care of. Its not like I wake up and find him floating on top of the tank like so many of my pet fish did like a massive group fish suicide when I was younger, but this dog and I are like sworn enemies.

Well I know tomorrow will be better. That dog pound is just a few blocks away!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Damn Kids Tried To Kill Me!

I was hungry and decided to buy this hotdog from these kids that were selling them in this neighborhood. I thought that wow, these kids will make it big someday, let me help them out. So I bought one. Half way through I started choking and my throat started to close up. I couldn't breathe! Apparently the kids put something I was allergic to on the hotdog. I went to my doctor and he cleared everything up. I still feel like shit. I think the hotdogs were out too long too. I am just too weak right now to drive to there hotdog stand and destroy it. I knew I couldn't trust them.

Well I'm here with Alex. My girlfriend is on this trip with her friends to some state I don't know, I was half listening. But she'll be back anytime now, I think.

Alex and I are playing Poker with some total strangers we just met today, so I might end up being robbed if they lose. If it happens I'll just blame those kids with the deadly hotdogs.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Bad Times

Friends you thought you knew seem to always surprise you. Visiting an old friend of mine proved to be a sad mistake. I wish I never left. I wish I never saw it. But then again if I didn't see it he probably would've been dead.

I haven't seen him in years and we both pretty much stop talking to each other as the years past. I went to his old hangout and found out that he was evicted. I asked a few people and they told me what happened to him. I knew that when I last saw him that he was doing drugs like heroin a little bit but he told me he quit, but I guess......

He pretty much went from worst to terrible since I last saw him. His ex girlfriend told me where he stays now. When I found him, he was in this abandoned house with some other people. He looked dead and pale. He didn't even recognize me. His arms looked like nothing I've ever seen before, and I've seen a lot of weird shit.

I called his mom and told her about her son. She didn't seemed shocked. She told me that he goes in and out of rehab and always gets worst each time he gets out. I asked her if she wants to do something now and she told me that its no use you might as well just leave him there. I then just got fucking pissed off at how someone can just cut of their own kid without even thinking about it. After a shouting match with her that lasted forever she finally came down to where I was and helped me out.

He was alive but he didn't move. We took him to the hospital. The mom eventually broke down in the hospital and realized what is going on with her son. She was now pissed off at me and told me to get the fuck away from them as if I was the enemy. But I didn't want to talk back because she was just in pain. I waited inside my car for a few hours but I didn't see her come back out. I decided that it was best that I just leave them right now. I was going to call her or go back down sometime next week to see whats going on.

He's just had a really shitty life. His parents fought all the time and his dad left when he was 8. His mother didn't give a shit about him and blamed him for ruining her life. He is a great friend and I know he'll pull through this one.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Going Out of Town

I'll be going out of town for a few days later this week for some "business" I need to take care of, you know the usual buying drugs from the Cubans and flying to El Salvador on my private jet to visit my whore shop. Stuff I do every weekend. I gave my cousin access to my blog so if posts seem a little weird, its him, hell my whole damn blog is weird. Wow 2 postings in one day. Thats gotta be a first for me.

My Aristocrat -- The Prequel

I just finished putting in the Aristocrat story and just blew my girlfriend away. She couldn't stop laughing. I really wanna post it but its really really sick and disturbing for the public. I'll think about it.

Quote Me

I walk a small path between the world of good and evil. I often travel the wrong path but that is how you learn to live, but I'm still lost.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Words That Shouldn't Exit My Mouth During Sex

  1. My Ex Girlfriend
  2. My 2nd Ex Girlfriend
  3. A celebrity
  4. Boring
  5. Tired
  6. Old
  7. Had Better
  8. What's Next
  9. What Time Is It?
  10. Are you on your period?
  11. What's your friends name?
  12. It's getting late.
  13. I don't like you.
  14. The sex feels like I'm fucking a wall with arms.
  15. I just sharted.
  16. How should I pay for this? Do you take credit?
  17. You are the 3rd girl tonight to do this!
  18. Your mother was better.
  19. Is that a third nipple?
  20. This reminds me of death.
  21. Have you started yet?
  22. How's your sister?
  23. Whore.
  24. "One time at bandcamp....."
  25. Can you get me a glass of water?
  26. I seem to have lost my erection.
  27. The condom broke.
  28. Words can't express how you look.
  29. Do you remember when you were away and I was at home fucking another woman?
  30. Hey! These boxers aren't mine!
  31. Hey! This picture of a totally different person isn't me!
  32. Press record on that hidden camera behind you.
  33. I've been a porn star for years and fucked a million women during the 1 million woman gangbang this morning.
  34. Please sign the sexbook.
  35. I was actually looking at your friend.
  36. You're getting a little chubby Chubzilla.
  37. Next time, put the paper bag over your face so I don't have to look at it.
  38. Sorry.
  39. You're breasts are different sizes.
  40. I might have to vomit so if I push you off don't be mad.
  41. I can't see you anymore.
  42. I got three words for you babe: Plastic Surgery, 4u.
  43. Have you thought about getting that thing fixed?
  44. Can you please get dressed and never see me again?
  45. If I die during the sex, feel free to continue without me.
  46. Will you Marry Me?
  47. You remind me of Alf.
  48. When I first met you, you had slut written all over your face.
  49. Let me reattach my arms.
  50. Let's role play. I'll be Regis and you'll be Kathie Lee.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Frozen Poptarts

Who freezes poptarts? My girlfriend will put the poptart in the microwave for 30 seconds and put in the freezer for 5 minutes and eats it that way. I'm not trying to tell her how to eat it but that's just plain not right. So I tried it this morning to see what it taste like. To be honest with you.....it tasted like shit just what I expected but a different kind of shit. It was almost frozen outside and a little warm inside. It was like eating ice cream wrapped in a sandwich, well I guess that's called an Ice Cream Sandwich, duh!

Well I prefer my Poptarts burning the inside of mouth to the point of tears rather than cold Poptarts. To my luck she'll probably start a new thing with Poptarts.

Monday, January 16, 2006

She's My New Love

1. She's always hot when I need her.
2. She's only a phone call away.
3. She can be ready in 3 minutes.
4. She taste so good inside.
5. She makes me foam at the mouth.
6. She is hot to the touch.
7. She never talks back.
8. She can be thrown away and come back to you the next day.
9. She likes to be licked.
10.She can take it rough.
11. She'll do whatever I tell her to do.
12. She's been around.
13. She can be delivered.
14. She is requested alot.
15. She likes to be stuffed full.
16. She's foreign.
17. She can easily burn you.
18. She can love you long time.
19. She doesn't like to get cold.
20. Who is she? She is right below..........


These things are great. I never had an egg roll before. How can something this good be legal. If I keep eating like this I'll actually weigh above 134 pounds.

Sunday, January 15, 2006


I fell down the stairs today. Sprained my ankle pretty bad. Not too happy about it. Fell because I saw girlfriends' mother naked.

Her mother is visiting us from out of town and she was just walking around the hallway nude. Go Mrs. Rhodes!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Fond Childhood Memories

I was around nine when I had my first real pet that I actually liked. It was a dog. I named him Boner. I was just a kid and I didn't know the other meanings. I just thought it would be cool because dogs like bones so why not call him boner. Well that's beside the point. I always wondered why my parents laughed every time I said his name?

Well I had Boner for a few weeks and he ran away one day. So I went with my father in the car searching for Boner. --------Ok, I might have to change his name for this story--------We searched for hours for him and we never found him. On our way home my father ran over something. All I remember is him looking in the rear view mirror and saying "Oh Shhh" and looking down at me. I said "what is it", and tried to look up. He quickly said nothing and he rushed me inside and whispered something to my Mom. She gasped and put her hand over her mouth. Then my dad went back outside.

My mom told me to sit down. She said that Boner probably isn't coming back but I'm pretty sure he's found a good home. I can remember her face so clearly as she is telling me this. She is trying so hard not to laugh because the whole incident is very serious but the name kept getting to her. I looked out the window and saw my Father throwing something away but I thought nothing of it.

I eventually got a pet fish but I named it Goldy. It died a week later so I just gave up on having pets. I think I overfed it one day by giving it a lifetime supply of food in 10 seconds.

I just called my parents to see if they remembered Boner. They couldn't stop laughing. I asked them what really happened to him and they said that "Boner has been gone for years but his memory lives hard-on our minds." After being grossed out by my parents once again, I just hung up the phone. I guess I'd just accept the fact that Boner did really run away and that my dad didn't accidentally run over him just so I can keep my memories pleasant. I'm pretty sure they'll bring it up at the next family get together.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sex Toys

I really need to stop being bored. My mind starts going places. A new sex shop opened up in our neighborhood and we thought it would be cool to look at what they have.

When we got there, the store smelled of sex. We were surrounded by porno. I felt like I was in my "special dream" again. She found some Butt Plugs. I told her that nothing is going near or is being inserted in my ass! She just got a kick out of it. She was imaging it in me while I was asleep. I told her that if you ever insert that shit in me while I'm asleep I will kick you out the window.

We found some cool candles and decided to buy some.

We saw this sex game too. It was kind of a choose your desire thing. You would pick a card and the other person would do it to you. We saw this other couple looking at the same thing and they asked us if we would join them in the game. They reeked of 24 hour sex. We tried to play it off by saying we weren't looking at the game by trying to find something else ... we tried looking around but all we saw were nipple clamps and penis balloons and just gave up and said yeah the game. My girlfriend grabbed my arm tight and nearly broke it. I assumed that was code for "no". So they gave us their "fucking business card", it actually said Fucking Business Card. We just broke out laughing. The card said that they are professionals at sex and will always be "inside" when you need them. We just said ok and walked backwards towards the other side of the store.

I found some nipple tassels for my girlfriend. She called me an ass.

We found some Booby popsicles and Booby Cake Pans, we were like kids in an adult candy store.

We got some Spanish Fly to see if it really works.

I found a dildo and I "assumed" that she would want it. She called me a perverted asshole and she put in the cart. But it fell out and I just had to say it. "Excuse me miss, is this your dildo here, yes you lady, the one covering her face. You dropped your dildo, it says it gives lasting pleasure to......." she then grabbed me and pulled me further back in the store. We all got a good laugh, well all the customers and I did.

I can just see my mom reading this and grabbing her heart.

Well we bought some cds and some movies and some....stuff, minus the butt plugs. I had to buy the tassels. Everything cost a fortune. Who knew sex would be so expensive. The clerk told us to have a fun filled evening. He ran out the store shouting you forgot your license. We could've sworn he was going to say dildo instead.

We popped in this video when we got home to see what it would be like. It taught us how to dance sexy for your lover. Everytime they said lover they would say it really sensual. We couldn't stop laughing. When the video ended I tried to dance for her. She really liked it. I swear, if there was a hidden video camera somewhere recording me, I will fucking kill everybody that had to do with it! I asked her to dance for me and she declined but she eventually broke and did it too. She was great. We were great. We were thinking of taking up professional stripping since we were so damn good. She was kidding but I was serious. If I actually gained some weight and built up my muscle I could be the next Fabio minus the steroids. But we had to stop and we both had to go to work. We'll see how the night goes when she comes back.

Friday, January 06, 2006

You're A Mean One

Cruel and unusual is what I am with a heart of gold. If I seem mean and evil then its just my nature. I have my moments where I am the nicest person you could ever meet. And at other times you wish I was dead. Death would fit me perfectly. Anger is me and anger will be my downfall. I used to hurt inside but that guilt has ended and my heart of gold is nothing but a rotten apple. You see my fake smile and I see your fake smile. You mind fuck me with your looks as if I am the son of a bitch that you were warned about as a kid. I lust for your pain. I enjoy seeing you unhappy. It gives me great pleasure to laugh at your failures. I hurt inside to see you smile. My smiles are hidden devils that have dangerous consequences. Enjoy me and live off me. I will always forget you. I will never love you. You stabbed me in the heart long before we ever met. My blood has always been your desire. My blood will always be on your hands. Hello? My name is Friend. I will be there for you when you need me and I will slide the knife down your chest as if it was Thanksgiving. You'll see if I am still your friend. Are you telling me something I don't know? I will cry when you are with me and laugh at your funeral. Its times like these I wish we never met. I am a failure and will always be your failure. Your guilt will be forever on your soul. Never forget me because I have never forgotten you. The knife in my back has penetrated my stone heart and now I will die ... Anytime, Anyplace, Anywhere ... but I will always be laughing at you.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Who The Hell Are You!

My girlfriend spent last night here at my place. We slept in the same bed. We've done it before plenty of times but when I woke up I felt like she was a stranger. When I looked over at her she had these bruises on her face. I had this "oh shit" look on my face and asked her what hell happened to her. She said I kicked her a few times and hit her in the face. I was like what the fuck! She told me I must've been having a nightmare because I was tossing and turning and while I was moving I hit her in her sleep. I couldn't believe it. I never did it before, why now? And no it's not because it's the thought of her actually moving in. I did this before when I was younger. When I had to sleep in the same bed as my brother I would hit him too. He would usually hit me back waking me up. I guess it's the thought of not knowing that somebody is actually sleeping in the same bed with me. I usually get used to it the next day. She bought a helmet today just in case.

In other news, I found a quarter.

Monday, January 02, 2006

The End of The Bachelor Pad

I made it official and asked my girlfriend to move in with me a few days ago. This will make or break our relationship. I have never asked a girl to move in with me. She said that she expects everything of hers to be here by Wednesday. I was expecting maybe a few weeks but she wants her things here pretty quick. So goodbye wonderful bacherlor pad. We had some good times.

I came home today and Alex told me that crazy girl came by. Shocked and scared, I was worried what the next words would be. Apparently she came by to apologize for the incident and that she will pay any bills from that incident. And he accepted her apology and apologized to her. They parted on good terms. He said that she said she was going to come by tonight to see me. I ran to the phone and called her to tell her that I think it's best that we talk over the phone for now until my girlfriend doesn't actually want to hurt you. She agreed and she told me her story about getting herself back to the norm again. She seems to be sincere and if she continues growing like this I wouldn't mind her hanging out with us at anytime. This has been one weird week.

I think I'm coming down with something. Everybody is getting sick and I'm always last to get sick. But whatever "it" is, it's gonna suck.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

The New Year Started Without Me

I was planning on going to the brewery with everybody as soon as I got out of the shower but things happened. I heard a scream and some gasp. I grabbed a towel and ran out the bathroom. When I entered the room I almost passed out. I couldn't believe what happened. They found my hat I was missing for 2 years. It's my lucky hat and I felt lost without it this whole time and everybody knows how much I just love that hat and how I go everywhere with it.

As soon as we started walking I ran into my ex girlfriend. I just laughed because this probably wouldn't have happened if they hadn't found my "lucky" hat. It was a bit awkward seeing her again now with my new girlfriend. Out of all the ex's why did it have to be
"Kinky Bitch". How can we ever forget her, I told everybody about her. Well, she wanted me back. She said that she can't live without me and she would do anything for that to happen right now.... -- (this all happened in like 2 seconds) at that precise moment I new exactly what she planning on doing, she was probably going to kill us all and shoot herself, but Alex pushed her and we all ran the opposite way -- I looked back to see what she was doing and she seemed hurt and she was pulling out a card or something thin. Of course everybody wanted me to keep running but deep in my heart I knew she wouldn't try to kill me or hurt me....well hurt me seriously. So I went back to her and she told me, "Why in the hell did he push me for!" I just said I didn't know. She told me she was part of the S.A. - Sexaholics Anonymous and that she was trying to be a better person. We all started laughing. Alex said that he thought she was going to kill us. She laughed and pulled out her pepper spray and sprayed Alex. Alex shouting "you fucking bitch, I'll fucking kill you", all that while shouting in pain. So we grabbed Alex and carried him back to my place and called 911. I don't even know what happened to kinky bitch after that. My friend's girlfriend is studying to be a nurse and told Alex to blink really fast and not to keep his eyes shut for too long. The ambulance arrived and took him to the hospital. It wasn't until 3 a.m. when we all actually left the hospital. While I was waiting I found the card "Kinky Bitch/Pepper Sprayer" gave me. Her mentor told her to give a card to everybody she has hurt in her past. I couldn't help but laugh. I then just got really pissed off.

Alex is chilling here tonight. He is definitely pissed off too still. We all want him to press charges or something against her but I don't think now is a good time to bring up the situation.

So that was how I spent my December 31, 2005. I think I got a buzz from the Egg Nog, but that was about it. I blame my lucky hat for all this bad luck, how ironic?