Friday, August 31, 2007


I went out on a date with the girl Friday. All my fears of her being married were just fears. She's not married, a big sigh of relief. But she is engaged which is I guess is half as guilty? I'm not really looking for a girlfriend right now, just a social girlfriend if that makes sense. She tells me that her boyfriend is cheating on her and she doesn't care. I don't know about her boyfriend, but from a guys point of view, if I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me, even I was cheating too, I would kick the guy's ass. That's a very big drawback for me. This girl is really really really really really hot. I don't want to be the "other" guy. But she's funny and cute and hot. But she's engaged, I gotta remember that. But she's unhappy and could be using me to get back at him. So many questions. Why couldn't she be 900 pounds with a peg leg so my decision could be easier? Damn you Bastard, why'd you have to be so damn good looking?

So I need help on making a decision. I know the "right" decision, but she's so freakin' hot! I really need to stop using my dick for a brain. So he's going out of town next week for what she told me is business, so she said she's staying with a friend here until he comes back but wants to spend more time with me. Now I know exactly whats going to happen next week with both of us together alone. And once it's done, theirs no going back. And she doesn't look slutty at all. She sounds and looks very sophisticated; kind of like a good girl gone bad. This has "NO" written all over it. I should just go to my ex girlfriend for the weekend just to get my mind off it. She'll steer me the right way.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

What Up

I went to the beach this weekend. Met the girl of my dreams, again. We hit it off perfectly, I gave her my number and she's been calling me since Monday and I'm waiting to see her again. I'm seeing her again tomorrow. She lives about a half hour from where I live. BUT, she is a little standoffish. She doesn't want me to call her or see her where she lives. She told me that she would call me and she would meet me. It's like she's in the FBI and I'm her FBI secret agent. I feel important. Other than the weird things, the conversations are good. On a side note, during the weekend, I saw a person on the beach with a patriotic fanny pack and a thong I was truly horrified.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Completely Random

Fanny Packs

The way they look. The way they just sit there. I don't know. If I see a person wearing a fanny pack I assume they are a red neck. Spitting the tabacco in their hands and wiping it on their shirts just confirms it.

I also can't cheap gum and people with the last name "Bush".

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Smallest Button to Button

My girlfriend and I broke up, again. This time it looks like it's going to be for awhile. We still "love"(what does that mean?) each other, but the long distance isn't working out. My schedule is hectic now and I barely have time to eat and then traveling to see my girlfriend is just killing both of us.

Other than that, life's been ok. Previous ex is just an acquaintance. I have nobody now! BOO HOO! Not like I have time for anybody for more than a second outing now. So I have no girlfriend and my parents are selling my childhood home and I don't even have time to sit down and process it all. Life doesn't get any better than this. But with all these disappointments, I'm not depressed, I'm upset though. Oh and I got a call from my now ex girlfriend's parents just making sure that I know that they still don't like me. Who calls just to say "I hate you"? They do. I always wondered if she came up pregnant, I would be in their lives forever! Came close but not gonna talk about it. I don't even remember why they hate me. It's not liked I streaked on their Thanksgiving table last year sheesh, but it does give me an idea for this year though. That hate call kind of made me happy though.

But I'm still upbeat. Ever since I made that post about avoiding the cops I've been a little paranoid every time I see one. I'm thinking that if a cop pulls me over I'm going to blurt out something about a few pounds of hash in my pockets and two hand fulls of cocaine in the glove department, and when he ask if I have anything else I'd say theirs also a few dead bodies in the trunk. But in reality I'd just get busted for 2 of those things, if it's a weekend maybe all 3. Speaking of drugs and dead people, I think I'm going to have a blast this weekend. We are going to the beach and sample illegal stuff probably. So my life really isn't as bad as it could be I guess or gonna be.

So that's me update. I'm still alive and kicking harder. You know, I don't think I even cursed once on this entire post. I think I'm turning a new leaf. This has gotta be the first time ever! FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Bad Boys Bad Boys, What Ya Gonna Do

Today somebody was flashing me their lights while I was driving. It took me a minute to realize the old rules of the road but then I remembered that flashing lights means cops ahead. I slowed down and less than a minute later, a cop was on the side waiting. Every time I pass by a cop, unknowingly (the bastards), my heart races and pumps hard.

I can remember one time a cop was behind me, I kept going. I assumed he was getting somebody else so I moved over to the other lane, as did he. So I kept going, then he puts on his sirens, so I guess I was the one GOING THE SPEED LIMIT that he wanted to pull over. He asked why I didn't stop, I told him that I thought he was getting the other guy going like 50 mph faster than I was. So he gave me the "talk" of how fast do I think I was going. So I said something like 65. I told him how fast I thought I was going. Problem was, I was going over 65 in a 45. Caught in a damn speed trap. But nowadays, I know where the cops hide and I know when to go fast, and that's why I haven't gotten a ticket in years.

I remember one time I was driving at night. One car wanted to race me. I wanted to back down but I couldn't. So we drove and we passed by a car and I noticed that the car slowed down and got in our lane, #1 sign of a cop. So I immediately turned off on the road while the other guy went on. He won the race but as I looked in my rear view mirror, I saw flashing lights pass on the road. I waited a couple of minutes and drove back out. About a mile down, the guy was pulled over by the cop, that was a good laugh.

Well talk to ya later.

Friday, August 10, 2007

My American Dream

I'm ready to settle down. I want 3 kids and a condo in England. I want to come home to a wife that will be waiting for me at the dinner table with the rest of the family smiling and happy that I'm home. Is that the American Dream? Is that what I'm striving for? Sounds ok. The things I'd change is having 14 kids, 14 mini fucked up personality kids like myself. All 14 are expelled from school. A wife who reheats a TV dinner from the night before who forgets to take the cigarette that she dropped in my Dixie Cup of tainted water. The condo turns out to be a single wide trailer in the middle of nowhere centered in Texas being held together by crazy glue. Is that the American Dream or the American Nightmare? I like it. We'll see in about 10 years.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I've Always Wanted:

  1. Gold teeth
  2. My own star on the hollywood walk of fame to destroy.
  3. A date with a nun.
  4. To be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
  5. To serve a Colt 45 (the beer not the gun) to Hillary Clinton
  6. To be reincarnated as a shark.
  7. A big band aid on my arm to look hardcore.
  8. To be Hugh Hefner's son.
  9. To go to Hawaii.
  10. To get arrested in Hawaii.
  11. To get laid in Hawaii.
  12. To have breast implants on my back to act like pillows when I sleep.
  13. An Australian accent.
  14. A tattoo on my chest of me pointing down my pants saying, "This is Sparta!"
  15. To run into a wall at 50 mph.
  16. A Paris Hilton duet with Bruce Springsteen.
  17. To throw a toilet at Vin Diesel.
  18. A fart so loud glass shatters.
  19. To win at Bingo.
  20. For Old Yeller not to be shot at the end and for his ghost to terrorize the family for all eternity in hell! or just for the night.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

No Rest For The Best

What a week! And not a single bit of it involved having sex with my girlfriend. I was planning on seeing her this past weekend but things got a little crazy. Let me start at the beginning.

Last Thursday, I met up with crazy voodoo chick. I explained about the whole voodoo doll thing and she told me it came across the wrong way. So blah blah, she's not trying to kill me. She invites me to go with her and her friends to this place downtown. Once there we drink and talk and I drink some more. I started talking about this total asshole at work and one of the guys knows him. Turns out that they are friends but distant friends. We start talking about pulling a prank on him. As we start talking, the prank sounds good and clean, but now I'm glad it turned out clean and legal, but I'm sure at least 3 laws were broken. The way I thought it was going to go was somewhat different from what he thought it was going to go. He was simply to just scare the guy and leave. So here comes Friday, my bags are packed and I'm ready to see my girlfriend when I get back from work. So I'm at work waiting for the prank and right on time it happens, sort of. The old friend meets my asshole coworker. Asshole coworker is a little shocked to see him but I think nothing of it. Now old friends starts shouting at coworker for some money that he owes him. I think, ok, somewhat off track but ok. Coworker tells him that he doesn't have the money, so distant friend pulls a knife out on the coworker. Now I realize the prank has seemed to take a slight deviation. I try to reason with him not to do it but he tells me that it was me that told him to meet him here. So coworker begins to sob wondering why I would do this to him. All I could say was I don't know. Then coworker starts to laugh and everybody starts to laugh. Turns out that distant friend is actually best friends and the whole fucking room new about the plan! I was tempted to take that knife from him and start going psycho on everybody but I think that's a rule against that somewhere in the handbook. So I had to ask who else knew about it. He told me voodoo chick didn't know but he knew that I worked with his friend so he devised a plan or what he called it, an "initiation" to become part of the group. What could I say? "Fuck You" would be too obvious so I just left early realizing that it was a good prank no matter how fucked up it was.

So a little shaken I was the rest of the day. So now I come home ready to go see my girlfriend but I can't. My parents leave a message on my machine wanting me to call them as soon as possible. I call them and they want me to come down for the weekend for a big announcement. I ask if they can just tell me or e-mail it or something but they said that I have to be here. Now I'm wondering what could my parents be planning for that I have to go there for? So I call my girlfriend and tell her that I can't make it. She cries, I cry and I drink some beer until I pass out. I leave early Saturday morning and arrive their before 12 still asleep. I'm wondering all the way there, what could it be, could my Mom and Dad be getting a divorce, could they be giving me a trillion dollars. So I get there and my parents are in good spirits so I assume that everything is ok. I see my sister and my two brother and notice that I'm the last one there. They are as shocked and unknowing about the situation too. So once we are all there they tells us that for months they've been trying to get it us all together but we would always say we can't make it. So they took it upon themselves to get us together to be together. I laugh because they can't be serious. Mom gave me the look. We all thought that something bad has happened. My brother thought that one of them had cancer and they wanted to bring to us together. But there was actually more. My parents are selling the house and moving west. Now that got out attention. The house has so many memories. Home won't be the same anymore now. I went out with my brothers to the bar and noticed the millions of messages from my girlfriend wondering what happened. So I told her about it.

It was good having a big Sunday breakfast with whole family. They even dragged me to church. I think I saw angels crying as I stepped inside. When we got home we had a big dinner. If I didn't live so far away, I would go there every day. We talked about the things that happened in the house and how they chose the house. My sister was a wreck the entire time.

I called into work Monday citing emotional distress so I can stay a little longer. I got back in Wednesday morning and went to work this afternoon. I got a oh so cute hand drawn picture of me on my desk labeled pansy. But I was just too focused on the house being sold. But I'm still planning on getting the bastards back. For now, I'm avoiding voodoo child and her minions of evil doer friends.

I miss my girlfriend. Sex just isn't the same. And ohhhhhh the painful wet dreams. Every single morning, my crotch, my crotch, my crotch. I need to sleep with an ice pack on my crotch. Well enough about my crotch, how's everybody else doing? I'm way behind on check everybody's blog. I'll check them out tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Drunk & Disorderly

I almost got arrested this weekend. Public intoxication in a store next to a bar, WTF! But once I sobered up and realized it was a christian book store, I can see why the cops were called. Who builds a christian book store next to a bar?

I was just drinking and having fun with friends giving my girlfriend a going away party. She's gone. But the real story happened Monday. The girl that I'm seeing but not really seeing sent me a package. I opened it up and it was a doll, a doll made to look like me. So that was a bit creepy. It looked a little like a voodoo doll. She's been trying to call me and I've been avoiding all her calls. She left me a message this morning saying she is going to meet me outside my apartment tonight. Now if somebody just left me a message like that, I would seriously think "fucking psycho" and I have a track record of picking "fucking psychos" so this one I'm sure is one. Or I might just be blowing this out of proportion. Just in case, I'll have about 20 of my friends to follow me.

And that has been my life in about 4 days.