Random Rant - Hallow's Eve

I'm going to be a giant dick for Halloween. You could only guess what my girlfriend is going to be. It was a last minute idea. We saw it today at the sex shop and knew I had to get it. So our choices are pimp's and ho's or a sex theme. I guess I'll be a giant dick by day and a pimp by night.

Halloweeny

I still haven't picked out my Halloween gear. My first idea a few months ago was a depiction of Superman after a few fights. I'd be covered in blood and have kryptonite and an iPod stuck in my head. But I have a problem wearing skin tight outfits. And the red underwear? I can't. My girlfriend calls it manties. So that suit is out of the question. My final costume has to do with blood. I can't have a happy Halloween without blood.

We were thinking of having a duo thing with me being a pimp and her being my ho. Or vice versa. She was also thinking of wearing this dominatrix tight leather outfit with torn up fish net sockings and a wip. While I will be the devil spawn biker back from the depths of hell with a remote stuck to my hand getting revenge for turning the tv channel. Or I could be a life size Chucky doll. Child's Play Chucky or Rugrats Chucky could be equally scary with some BLOOD!!!!!! We'll see.

W-E-P-F-T-I-V-3-H-D

We couldn't figure out what it meant. Tiffany couldn't handle the Seance or the ouija board so she just watched and wrote what the ghost was telling us.

We all started laughing when it spelled "WE P" and it wobbled a little bit to "F". It might've been getting ready to tell us "F-U" for laughing but it skipped "U" and went to "T" then "I and "V". It came out with "3", "H" and "D" pretty quickly and ended because Mike's phone rings and he took his hand off ruining it, but nobody was on the line...........Caller I.D. said it was Becky who is in the room with us........but she accidentally sat on her cell phone calling the last person she called. Or was it a coincidence..........Is it the ghost trying to tell us something or is it her ass trying to tell us something?

We're guessing "Wep" was the first guest. Our ghost might've been drunk and came out with "FTIV3HD" but 3 might represent the time. So we tried the Seance to see if we could talk to this drunk ghost but we got nothing. We heard some creaking noises but no talking or books flying off the shelf. I tried to use my knowledge of talking to the dead but I was just not feeling it last night. Nobody wanted to possess my body. So our Seance was a failure. Damn drunk ghost gave us nothing, except that we were all peeing together.

We were thinking if we changed the words around it would spell something. Becky changed the words around and got 3rd Heaven. She wasn't the brightest person in the room last night. And she wasn't even drunk yet.

I was thinking that it would be really weird if it was 3 days until my ex girlfriend's wedding but it was 5 days. Unless this was a warning that something is going to happen in 3 hours. So we got some more beer and waited by playing Grand Theft Auto for 3 hours. Nothing happened except that playing Grand Theft Auto when you're drunk makes the violence seem more happier. So we are going to see if it meant 3 days. Well I'm busy the next few days so I'll get around to figuring that out on Sunday. That'll give me less than a day.

Slasher Fridays! - An Exorcism Night

We are having an exorcism night tonight. We are going to watch Exorcism: The Beginning, Exorcist, Amityville Horror and The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

Now that we set the mood, we are going to pull out the Ouija Board and speak to a couple of dead people. Poindexter's cousin is half crazy and half smart so he's going to use his knowledge of "ghost chat". We are all going to gather around in a circle and he's gonna perform a Seance. He said he's done it a few times and it worked, so what the hell, it'll be fun. We gonna see some dead people tonight! I'll be sure to have The Ghostbusters on speed dial.

Click on the title link for Seance's For Dummies.

I Hate Pedestrians!

I almost killed somebody today. A guy jumped in front of my car. He assumed that since he's a pedestrian, he can walk when the light is green on a highway! I'm still working on my road rage but today just put me back a few steps. I often stop for pedestrians when they are about to cross in front of me, and they thank me by waving and I say thank you for noticing and I smile. But you get those assholes who just dart out in front of a moving car, AND PURPOSELY drop something on the ground, examine it, make sure it's ok, then pick it up and examine it more. I swear, if running people over wasn't illegal.......just kidding.

Why can't they speed up when they are walking? You give them the chance to walk across but they take their fucking time! It's not like I'M IN A RUSH! NOOOOOO! I'm just driving around in circles because I like it!

I remember this story about an old lady that was arrested for jaywalking. She was too slow to cross the road so they gave her a ticket. Old ladies I let take their time. I couldn't have the lady break her hip rushing for me because that would hold me up longer. I'd of course help her along then drive off, after I call 911 for her of course.

Well that's my rant today. My girlfriend is thinking of banning me from driving. She thinks I might have a little problem with road rage. It's like I'm a different person when I'm behind the wheel. I can be the passenger with no problems at all. Someone throws a brick at my car while I'm on the passenger side, I'd say wow, accident's do happen. But if I was the driver and somebody threw a brick at my car then I'd say, wow, accident's do happen - as I start slamming that brick all over that person's car.

I think I'm getting better though. I keep the windows up when I curse at people now. I think it adds a little mystery to my anger. Makes people wonder if I'm mad at them or just saying "Hey, how's the weather!"

Update

Thursday night and the alleged book club.

Apparently it was really a book club. They are reading a book called Into the Storm. I'm not really a book reader at all unless it has colorful pictures. Coloring books are a definite plus. I still think she's more of a Sharon Stone/Basic Instinct kind of woman. Now my girlfriend likes the club. She wants to try and go there every Thursday now. I give her 2 weeks before she loses interest in the club. My girlfriend is the type of person who would rather read the book all the way through and talk about it when somebody else has already read it. The "book club members" read a chapter a week. She's already half finish with the book.

Another Letter

I got another letter from my ex last week. Didn't want my girlfriend to know about it until after our anniversary. Didn't want to ruin it for her or myself, so we both read it today. My ex actually apologized for her previous letter and said that I can come to the wedding if I want. Now that she wants me to go I don't want to anymore. I like the idea of not being invited as a reason to crash it. Now I kind of feel bad. Her friends are planning something against her and I really don't want to stop it. Am I a bastard for not doing anything? Am I that much of an evil person? Oh wait, she fucked up my car before she left. Hell no, I'm not telling her shit! But I wanna watch. I still say if I went to her wedding she would have snipers on the roof shoot me. I am kind of curious how much she's changed over the years. I'm guessing she would look somewhat like this:



Can't figure out why I just fell out of love with her. Those are some seeeexxxxy pigtails.

One Year

I just woke up like an hour ago. She's been up for hours.

Everything was perfect except one thing. We couldn't find the old lady to make it perfect. She's probably long dead by now but we weren't gonna just let that brighten up our day. We had the whole day planned to make it better.

What I'm about to say is something I never do. I only did this for her, even though it seriously hurt my self-esteem to do it and I'll be in therapy for years after this. I knew how to play guitar and I wrote the song for her and sung it to her yesterday morning to wake her up. She sleeps like a baby knocked up on alcohol so it took a few do-overs. She told me she was going to make breakfast for me before I woke up but I beat her to it. Darn, I missed her specialty, the egg shell omelet with more shell than egg.

Her first surprise was in her first class yesterday. We don't have the same first class so I just heard word of mouth of how it went. This was more of a prank. I got a stripper to be delivered to her class. The stripper was in the cake though. The stripper was also a midget. The midget was not supposed to know who it was for but that person would know exactly who it was for and where it came from. So all he had to do was his little dance and leave. During class she sent me a text message saying that I am so going to die for this in the most painful way possible. Gotta love college.

So class is out and I'm waiting for her to get out of class. She thanks me for the present and tells me she has a surprise for me too that I will just die for. We got to lunch late so that sucked. We had to split up again for about an hour for class. Our last class we had together. I was looking at the clock just waiting for class to be over.

What a fucked up way to have a 1 year anniversary with Midget strippers. Can't wait for next year!

Everything turned out normal after all that. To keep it short and simple, I had a limo pick us up and carry us anywhere for the rest of the night. We went out to eat at some french or spanish restaurant, the name looked weird so I assumed it was a classy place. The service was blah, the food was blech. We then were driven to the beach where we just laid down and did stuff over and over again.........for awhile.

We didn't get back home until about 4 in the morning. We had to open the gifts then but we were so dead tired. I opened my gifts first. Her first gift for me was the edible underwear. I think I cried a little. I didn't get the big screen 1000" plasma TV I hoped for but it works out. She gave me her second gift. My eyes got a little watery because something was in my eye. It was a home entertainment system! I peed my pants for hours after she showed it to me. I asked her how did she hide it. It was at the neighbor's place next door. Her friends got it from them and put it inside our living room while we were gone. It smelled of neighbor sex.

So it was my turn to give her my gifts. Now I wished I went back shopping a little more. I got her another bag of chips (she was pissed a little).......along with another gift. She told me that as a kid, she watched The Little Mermaid and fell in love with it. She says it's one of her most romantic movies of all time. Hmmm, a story about a half human half fish woman that talks to crabs, romantic? So I got her the DVD. Seems really small but I knew she would like it. Now, my second gift was a whopper. I got her a diamond ring with our names engraved on the band. She was pretty happy when she saw the ring. I had that gift planned for months in advance.

Clearly all our gifts were well over $100. We are pretty poor nowadays after this night. It'll just be cheese and crackers for the both of us for the next few weeks. I might have to be a hooker too on the side with my neighbor. Don't worry. We still have money.

Yep

So tomorrow is the day. I got the gifts, this time all for her. I have the entire day planned out. Even class tomorrow for us is going to be pretty interesting.

Today is the day she's going to "The Book Club" with my hooker neighbor. I saw her this morning getting the mail. I asked if I could join her book club. She said I can but it would be about a boring book I'd never be interested in. I asked her to try me (in a nonsexual way). It looked like she was thinking of a book to say. I was half listening. All I got was "The" and I had to leave. She makes a hot MILF. But my mind is focused on our anniversary. And my new camera.

It's Crunch Time

I took everybody's advice and I went to get the perfect gifts for her this anniversary. But first I bought this cool new digital camera for myself. See.



It's so cool. I asked this lady to take pictures of me in various positions. She might've thought I was a pervert.

After many long discussions with total strangers, the edible underwear was removed from my list. I got so involved in my camera and stuff for me, I forgot about her gifts. Me bad boyfriend. I'm like a kid in a candy store when it comes to Radio Shack. Damn those bargains and sweet deals. Tomorrow is another day.

Total Budget Agreed on: No more than $100
Total Budget I Spent Today: Over $100
Total Budget I Spent For Myself: Over $100
Total Budget I Spent For Her Today: $2 (Chips)
Total Budget For Her Tomorrow: $100

Correction To Previous Update

I feel like such an ass. My neighbor is not a hooker. It's a book club. I still think she might be doing a few tricks on the side. My girlfriend actually joined the book club, aka hooking.

An Update

I think my neighbor's wife is a hooker. What a way to start a post.



I'm no expert but if you see a different person go inside their door when the husband is gone, then she either has a big family that she's see's one person every night or is a hooker, seeing one person every night.

Nobody likes them, I knew they couldn't like each other. It's like the Incredible Hulk married Tiny Tim's little sister. He looks crazy so I'll let him find out on his own. My girlfriend seems to have the balls to ask her what's going on. She's gonna do it tomorrow.

What makes it bad is that they have kids together. No telling what goes on behind those doors. I remember last time I worried about my neighbors. Just rereading that gives me the chills. I think I'm bad luck. This makes neighbors #2 that cheat for me. Sounds like an episode of Red Shoe Diaries to me.

In other bastard news, it's been confirmed. My ex is indeed getting married. Her parents said it's a somewhat private ceremony and they don't want everybody to know. Like she's a fucking superstar! Nobody cares! Maybe I do a little. Well at least it's not a prank. I can't stand to be pranked on again. I'm still getting over the last time my brother was here.

Well that's about it. My very first official one year anniversary is this Friday and all I have to give her is edible underwear. I'm taking advice from you guys and the friends. One of them suggested me getting her the world's largest dildo. Can't wait to explain that gift to my parents on Thanksgiving. I'd try to cover it up with a giant sheet or something.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, my parents are coming here this year. Now I can't use the excuse "I wish I could stay but I have to be at work in the morning", because they'll be already here! Forever! But the entire family will be here. It'll be the first time all of us will be at my place for Thanksgiving.

They Are Not Real People

Everybody has a fear of things. People fear things everyday. As a kid I always hated puppets. They reminded me of little evil people. The way they looked at me. I got a Pee-Wee Herman toy for Christmas one year. You pulled the string and he'll say something. That was the beginning of hell for me. I thought it was a fun toy,....... until the batteries went dead. Then his speech got slurred and he was always missing for days. I swear, that puppet was alive. The way the moon would reflect the light off his evil face at night. When I wake up in the morning, he'd be gone. Oh that was so fucking creepy! I found out later on my bastard brother knew I got afraid of Pee-Wee (haha afraid of the Peewee), and used that in his advantage of scaring me.

I would get a little anxious when I see puppets on TV as a kid. Don't get me started on Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. I remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry hears the puppet at Kramer's apartment running around. I so believed it!

My girlfriend is reading this back to me. She thinks I'm off my meds. Perhaps I am off my meds! (as I start drooling) Pupaphobia is real people! When they take over the world and Elmo becomes President, don't come crying to me!

Then my brother made me watch Puppet Master as a kid. He is the reason I'm so fucked up now in the head. I'm so getting him back next time I see him.

I'd like to say that my fear of puppets is no more. I was a kid. Kids are afraid of anything. I was the only kid that I know on the block that was afraid of puppets though? I watched Saw 1 and 2 like a million times and I plan on watching the 3rd one. Pupaphobia is pretty funny now that I think about it. I mean, who's the little cry baby afraid of puppets anyways? I was, for about 2 years. But repeated viewings of Sesame Street cured me. Ok, I think I need some sleep now. I hope I don't have nightmares.

Slasher Fridays: Friday the 13th!

The video is pretty graphic. 160 times graphic.



I love it when it's Friday the 13th. Makes you feel all weird inside. We are going to watch the only real first 2 good ones of Friday the 13th. The other ones were just pointless. What's with Jason X?

A Bastard: To Be or Not To Be?

I just found out my ex's wedding is going to be on November 1st. I still have her invitation she gave me to go to the wedding and to get my ass kicked according to her. I set another letter back to her. I decided not to mail the other one off. I didn't want the original coming back to haunt me. I just wrote congratulations and in so many words, don't write me again.

Her ex friends aren't telling me shit about what they are doing. The only thing they told me is that the wedding is just a few towns over where her boyfriend lives. Just over 40 miles I guess, may take me less than an hour. Not that I plan on going.....My girlfriend changed her mind. She wants to kick her ass. I've gotten over it somehow.

But something else is going on. Even though I got a letter from my ex and that it sounded exactly like something she would say to me, I'm starting to think that the letter came from somebody else. Who would be that fucked up to ruin two lives? This could all be coming from her ex friends, but what in the fuck did I do to them? For sake of this maybe being a cleaver but very fucked up prank, I'm just going to sit back and let things happen on their own. If she indeed sent me this letter and if she is getting married in a few weeks, she would be coming back to town maybe to see her parents. I have a friend that works at a grocery store that they always go to every other week. He tells me that they talk to him every time they come in, but they have yet to mention a wedding. You'd think that parents would be spreading the news that their daughter is getting married right? He told me he'll congratulate them on the news of their daughter's marriage. If it's prank then they'll be surprised she's getting married.

1 Year Anniversary Suggestion

Our 1 year anniversary is next Friday. Thankfully I put our first time we met on my blog (click title) or else I would've definitely forgotten.

My idea for a gift for her is something from Victoria's Secret but I think it's more what I want and not what she wants. But she gets to look much hotter than usual with something like this and it's also seasonal, but I'm all out of ideas. The only other thing I can think of is edible underwear but I think that's the 2nd year anniversary gift.

The Sick Bastard Goes Camping

My girlfriend begged me to shave before seeing her parents. She said I looked like a hobo. Her parents like me, theirs no need for me to suck up anymore. But I shaved anyways damn it.

We went camping Sunday. I haven't went camping in years. Last time I went camping was with my dad when I was a little kid. Then I started my rebel days and it was all hell from their. The girls went hiking, and me, her father and brother went fishing. Can you imagine me fly fishing? They caught about 20 fish all together when I caught none. They kept on getting loose! I was going to catch a fish one way or the other. So when one fish that "I caught" got away once again and was in grabbing reach, I jumped in the water after it. I'll be damned if I leave without catching anything! I didn't catch it. Damn slippery rocks. We left when the girls came back.

My girlfriend's brother and I went out to hang out last night with a few of his friends.



I didn't make it over all the way so I'm a little sore today. Her brother is definitely much cooler now than last time I saw him. We get back home and see my girlfriend screaming and her parents holding her head with forceps and a lighter in hand. Wow, parents torturing children, and I thought they were uncool. But it was actually a tick. Uuuggg, my girlfriend has bugs. She's such a girl. Just rip it out with your bare hands and bite the head off and spit it out! YEEEAAAHHH!!!!! A couple of hours later of her crying and being grossed out had finally stopped. So I'm guessing that was the last time she's ever going camping.

It was good to just get away from all this crazy stuff happening here. Very relaxing being in the woods and fishing.

I Get Such Little Pleasures In Life

I told my brother about my ex today. He told me that if it makes me feel any better that he wants to kick my ass too. Gotta love his advice. It actually helped. I should quit thinking about it and just do what I think is right. But what I think is right is also wrong and probably illegal.

My girlfriend and I are going to spend Sunday and Monday at her parents house. Can't wait for a boring ol' time! It's like living with Ma and Pa Kettle.





















I'll try not to get her brother in trouble again this time, maybe.

Slasher Fridays! Misery

Since my Misery is coming back to town I decided to pick this movie for us to watch.

Who Needs Friends Like These?

You guys are right. I should just let it go. But before I made that decision I went to see her friends first.

So I went to see her friends today. Her friends are telling me that she's having the wedding back here in a few weeks. They asked me if I still have feelings for her. Of course I said hell no. Apparently they knew she slept with some of their boyfriends before skipping town and they wanted to make sure I wouldn't tell her what they are planning. Oooohhhhhh nice. They are just as evil as I am. She actually wants some of them to be in the wedding. They smile in her face and plan things behind her back. Girls are so vindictive against one another, cool, girl fight. That day should be really interesting. I might not even have to show up to fuck up her day. Her friends are already planning to do it all for me. I might just watch from the sidelines just so I don't get arrested.

But just in case this comes back to me, I had nothing to do with it, as of today. If I don't blog about half way in October then I'm probably in jail with my girlfriend and a few of my friends and the bitch's friends for crashing a wedding. Do they allow blogging in jail? My schedule is way too busy to allow going to jail right now. I'm free after New Years!

Congrats Bitch!

Oh I read it. Sorry about the delay. Anger was running through my mind.

Here's the letter she actually had the nerve to send me.

I hope all is well with you and whatever bitch you're sleeping with. I just decided to write this letter to you to keep you updated on how much I still hate you. And that I am with a guy that actually loves me. And I wanted you to know that I'm so glad that we are over and that I can move on from the lovely shitty time we spent together.

My boyfriend and I are getting married. He's wealthy and very successful. That's funny, he's the total opposite of you. I would love for you to come to my wedding, you know if you can fit this into your oh so busy schedule of dumb bullshit. But what the hell, I'd have your fucking ass arrested if you set foot near my wedding
asshole. Invitation is enclosed. Please do come.

I know you, and knowing you, you'll do something to ruin this for me. So I'm telling you in advance to stay the fuck away or else I'll seriously fuck you up!

Love,
Cynthia

She's having the wedding here. She actually sent me an invitation. I'm sending her a letter back just to show her how happy I am for her great news!

I'm glad that for once in your life, bending over and putting it inside your ass actually got you somewhere in life. I bow to you. Honestly I do.

Oh and the wedding? I'll just send you a gift. I just need an address to send a box of shit to. I'm also sending you this mix cd of songs with BITCH and WHORE in the title. Hope you like it.

You're relationship will never last. Your boyfriend will soon find out how much of a slut you really are. I hated the time I had seeing you. If I knew life was going to be that fucked up being with you, I would've blown my brains out long before I ever met you.

We had an unhappy relationship as you can tell. I met her at a party and we hit it off. The first two dates were great and then she just pulled a complete 360 on me and slept with half the state. We both accused the other of cheating. The difference between her cheating and my cheating was that she did it at the start of the relationship. I waited until the relationship was too fucked to even work out. So for about half the time we were together we were both cheating on each other. I got tired of her attitude problems and her accusations (although true). I had to make it official and just break it off with her so I can actually lead a normal relationship with somebody else. She ended up breaking all my windows in my car and keying it before just totally skipping town never to be seen again until I get this letter.

I'm really pissed off right now, never mind my girlfriend who doesn't even know her and wants to destroy her. I should just crash the wedding and destroy it no matter what she says or does just like she destroyed my car. I really feel revenge is needed. I kind of forgot all about it until she wrote me the letter.

I'm going to see her friends tomorrow to see what they know. I'll keep you updated on how things go.

Lovely Shitty Time

The letter came in today. I was tempted to throw it away, but my girlfriend made it her duty to go to the post office with me until the letter comes in.

So I'm here and the letter is over there and I'm tempted to not open it. I got my friends showing up at the door waiting for me to open it.

You guys have to understand that if this letter is which is most likely bad news, then I don't want to hear it. As I put this letter up to the light to see what it says, I see "lovely shitty time". I see she still wishes me the best.

Well until I figure out if I wanna open it or not I'm gonna take a walk. As I'm typing this, everybody puts on their shoes. I guess all of us are taking a walk. I'll probably make another post later.

Here's an old picture of us, the lovely fucked up couple of the past.

Where's The Mailman?

Is the letter being delivered by foot! I'm so over this letter that I've never read and assume it's totally bad news. So what. It's just a letter. What more can she do to me? I've moved on and obviously she hasn't if she has to send me a letter. I'm thinking of just burning the letter when it finally gets here. No more worries and no more future pains.

Patiently Waiting For The Letter From The......

I made a little visit to see some of her friends and they thought I was kidding about a letter. They laughed and told me that they'll tell me after I read it. They did tell me that they aren't as close as they used to nowadays. Now it's really driving me crazy now. They told me they kind of know what the letter might be about but they don't want to tell me about it until they know what kind of reaction I'd get out of it. FUCK!!!!! Is that enough of a reaction!

Ooohhhhh Yeah

I had to smoke one more cigarette last night. That was the best sex I had in awhile. But a little part me saw the old lady's face on my girlfriend during one of the times we had sex, creepy. I just threw up a little.

I got a call from my parents yesterday saying they got a letter from a girl for me. They told me who it was from and immediately I knew this isn't going to be a happy letter. They are going to send it off, I should get it in a few days.