Some days I just wish I could just keep going in my car. Pass by everything that is familiar to me. When I run out of gas, that will be my new home. The phone rings. The ringing hurts my head. When I'm stressed with life, I turn off all the lights and turn off all the phones and close the door and put the pillow over my head hoping that when/if I wake up, life would be better, I'm still waiting.
Are we actually happy with our lives? Being human is the most depressing thing to me. Nobody is truly happy. We want and we need something. I need something in my life that I can't find. It's like trying to find water in the ocean. Everything you want is all around you but you don't know what to do with it.
I think I'm reverting emotionally back to my past. Why am I so disgusted by happiness? Is that if I can't be happy then nobody can be happy? I like dark things. Dark things are my way of living. All my life I have been dark. Some days stress just builds so much that I just can't take it anymore. I begin to think of the things holding me back from actually killing myself. If I didn't have my girlfriend, friends and family then I would've taken my life a long time ago. When I start thinking about suicide then I just think about them until it goes away. Is that how I want to live my life? I just don't see a point. Why try so hard and get nothing for it. I could have a billion dollars and still feel the same way I feel now. Money can't buy me happiness.
Bad news always hits me together. I used to be optimistic with bad news because whenever you have bad news, good news would always follow. The more upsetting the bad news is, the better the good news will be. But over the years, more terrible news and small good news have come. It's like the world is breezing by me and I'm walking backwards. I don't see any hope in it. To be honest with you, I can't see my future. My past has been bad, my present has been bad, so the future is probably going to be bad too. I can't see myself living a long life. One of these days depression is going to hit me so hard that I won't be able to get out of it in time for someone to help me. It seems to be getting worst each year. I say that if I'm still alive at 35 then I know that I did beat this. That's many years down the line so I'll have plenty of time to contemplate life.
I don't see what can help me. I've talked to people and took medication but I can't seem to stop it. It's driving me crazy! It's like have no control over my life anymore. I feel broken and I can't be put back together. I want to know what it's like to be truly happy. If someone knows, please tell me. I need some hope that happiness is not just my imagination.
After writing this I feel a little better. I guess I just needed to write out what I couldn't say. Well at least one positive thing out of all of this is that I have no desire to do drugs or drink heavier than usual. I just tend to shut everybody out until I feel better. I have a birthday coming up in 4 months. Let's hope it's a happy one.
Are we actually happy with our lives? Being human is the most depressing thing to me. Nobody is truly happy. We want and we need something. I need something in my life that I can't find. It's like trying to find water in the ocean. Everything you want is all around you but you don't know what to do with it.
I think I'm reverting emotionally back to my past. Why am I so disgusted by happiness? Is that if I can't be happy then nobody can be happy? I like dark things. Dark things are my way of living. All my life I have been dark. Some days stress just builds so much that I just can't take it anymore. I begin to think of the things holding me back from actually killing myself. If I didn't have my girlfriend, friends and family then I would've taken my life a long time ago. When I start thinking about suicide then I just think about them until it goes away. Is that how I want to live my life? I just don't see a point. Why try so hard and get nothing for it. I could have a billion dollars and still feel the same way I feel now. Money can't buy me happiness.
Bad news always hits me together. I used to be optimistic with bad news because whenever you have bad news, good news would always follow. The more upsetting the bad news is, the better the good news will be. But over the years, more terrible news and small good news have come. It's like the world is breezing by me and I'm walking backwards. I don't see any hope in it. To be honest with you, I can't see my future. My past has been bad, my present has been bad, so the future is probably going to be bad too. I can't see myself living a long life. One of these days depression is going to hit me so hard that I won't be able to get out of it in time for someone to help me. It seems to be getting worst each year. I say that if I'm still alive at 35 then I know that I did beat this. That's many years down the line so I'll have plenty of time to contemplate life.
I don't see what can help me. I've talked to people and took medication but I can't seem to stop it. It's driving me crazy! It's like have no control over my life anymore. I feel broken and I can't be put back together. I want to know what it's like to be truly happy. If someone knows, please tell me. I need some hope that happiness is not just my imagination.
After writing this I feel a little better. I guess I just needed to write out what I couldn't say. Well at least one positive thing out of all of this is that I have no desire to do drugs or drink heavier than usual. I just tend to shut everybody out until I feel better. I have a birthday coming up in 4 months. Let's hope it's a happy one.
13 comments:
I think we all ride the emotional rollercoaster at times. I know the past month or so I've been feeling a little down and I dont' know why. If I look at my life I'm happy. Life is good. But for whatever reason I feel like I just want to shut down. But I recognize it in me and move forward hoping it clicks back into place. I don't know why we feel this way...but I hope it passes for you. Very soon. You've seemed happy for a long time now....It was bound to change for whatever reason...just like with me I guess. Can a person be happy 24/7 365? I don't think so. If they were I think there was seriously something wrong with them.
Keep your chin...I know it doesn't really matter to you, but I care aboutcha. *hugs*
you should know that a lot of people do love you and would really miss you.
just think of the happy moments of your life.
Taking your own life is the most selfish thing one can do.
Think of all the sadness those you leave behind would have, is it fair to make so many unhappy just b/c you are? Harsh...but hearing that helped me at one point in my life.
Happiness isn't a THING that you can touch or grab, well maybe for you its a hot girl....haha..... No really it isn't. I do think for some it is found more easily and for some of us it is a question that will always haunt us, we have to find it with in our selves.
Think of things that ARE ahead of you...marriage, children, careers, Think of Little Sick Bastards running around.
Little versions of me scare me. Perhaps bringing in new life will let me appreciate it. It would make me feel as if I need to stay now for my child. Plus having as much sex as possible can't be bad, with you of course BM.
You're letting life get you down. I was reading your other posts and saw that your brother wants you to go with him. Maybe going somewhere new with your family and girlfriend is what you need right now. Something new everyday is what you need.
It's good that you not fall too deep into your emotions. They can help you but they can also take you to a place you don't want to go.
You got two new admirers now. I talk about you to my neighbors all the time so now they read your blog daily. See, two total strangers that don't even know you care about you. Keep your head up and think positive.
Stop watching Slasher Movie Fridays and start with Slutty Movie Fridays.
Nekkid wimmen cleanse the soul.
www.badgirlsblog.com
we should have a porno day. perhaps making hump day porn day.
who's gonna make us laugh if you weren't here?
I know you from a forum you post on, and I read your blogs daily. They're always good for a laugh. :)
So, there I was cheerfully searching for the link to a Goons song called 'I'm Walking Backwards for Christmas' to cheer you up, as you're walking backwards anyway when *SHAZAM*
My search brings me to a satanist page - laughed, I nearly shat.
Listen to some Mazza and bear in mind, your evil snowmen are required so NO fucking off the planet just yet pal.....
Thanks for the support. I was just having a really bad day. Still today isn't excellent but not as bad as before. I do feel as if I do have more left to do but I can't control the days where I feel like nothing is going right for me. So I'll turn my frown upside down and stop giving the finger to people.
Well let me just start with the frown first.
Just think carrots - use them all on evil snowmen and the vegetarians will die out - Veggie-stinction HOORAY (apart from your bro's girl-vegan, who's allowed to live if she doesn't start quoting Linda McCartney recipes when you're on the road)
recipies like leaf soup or leaf medium rare or leaf de l'orange.
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