September

This month has become the biggest month of postings on my blog. 1000 post here I come! I expect 1001 hot girls on the day that happens. 1000 to do and 1 to turn away.

So

How's your day?

Geraldo

I remember I was watching a video where Geraldo Rivera got on a fight on camera. I actually found the video.




He was like choking the guy! The old ladies grabbing their things and trying to leave! Then they cut to commercial break. Now those were the days when talk show host didn't give a shit. You say something to Geraldo and he'll pull out a gun a pistol whip you.

I Met Somebody

And she doesn't give off that stalker vibe. I think I'll propose to her tomorrow.

Fuck Up

I rarely talk about politics directly on the blog. I pretty much fucking hate politics and what it stands for. A bunch of rich ass asses robbing money from the poor and giving it to the rich. This will be 1 of the 2 posts about politics I will ever post on this blog. The final one will be after the election.

Notice two things about what is happening now in politics. A republican ruined the nation and caused the Great Depression and fucked the world royally. A democrat came into office and brought the United States back to a stable place. Now today, we have a republican ruining the nation and wanting to give the rich ass asses $700 billion to fix their problems using our money that we don't have. Will a democrat come into office and bring the United States back to a stable place?

As you can tell, I'm a Democrat. I was telling my friends in 2001 that going to war will be problematic for the U.S. Everytime their was a war, the economy suffered. Seven years later and Mrs. Doe who was making seven figures is now shoving her cellulite cankle body for some change. Yes, I'm still talking about the stripper. No way that stripping was something she wanted to do.

My republican friends and I get in little debates. I don't like McCain. I think he's slow. But he isn't even on the issues. He'd rather bad mouth the opponent then talk about the real issues.

We really don't need another Republican in office. I'm still wondering how in the hell Bush was elected twice. Sometimes I wish Michael J. Fox and I can just hop into the Back to the Future car and tell Bush to not run for president. Then we'll go back and watch Marilyn Monroe pose for Playboy.

I'm sorry if I offended any Republicans. You have it bad enough already :(

24 Hours To Live

What would you do?

If it was a violent death then I would do nothing. I'd wait in an empty room listening to my ipod just waiting for it to happen.

If it was a peaceful death then I would get in a high speed chase and probably have a suicide by cop.

Just wanted to let you know.

Redneckery

I could say something......, but it speaks for itself.

It's Almost Here!

I'm not a big fan of the Saw movies but whenever you have a lot of blood and murder then it's a must see. Isn't Jigsaw dead? I mean really really dead. Because at the end of Saw 4, there was definitely no coming back from that. Unless you glue his head back to his body then their is no way he could've survived. Looking at the promos you can see they are doing some kind of Texas Chainsaw Massacre Leatherface kind of thing.

1000 Posts

I'm so far off my target. Last time I checked I have like 300 more to go. Guess I'll give this post an update.

Cankles stripper last weekend was definitely not a highlight.

My brother and earthy girl are back together. I guess restraining orders are just pieces of paper anyways.

Somebody cut me off today and turned off as soon as she did it. So I just gave her the finger and yelled bitch. Other than that my day has been pretty good.

Me and "wheels" are ok. We just keep our distance.

Still no urinal cakes in the restroom, ......sigh.

The Million Dollar Question

Are you ok? Are you sure?

Just because you have a suicidal past doesn't mean that everytime I'm upset means I'm going to kill myself. Even though I keep having those simulated thoughts of death, but that's another post.

It's like people expect me to be happy all the time. Like I say in the subtitle: Happiness is the placebo we give ourselves to hide from the depression that we all really have. But oddly enough, asking if I was ok was the one thing I didn't want anybody to ask me, but it helped.

Why?

Why is smoking and growing weed illegal? It's just a plant. I could grow and roll some cabbage and not get in trouble but if I grow and roll another very similar green plant, I'd get in trouble. It's purely natural. It came from the ground. It's green, it's eco-friendly. It's just smoke.

Same thing with cocaine. It grows naturally out of the ground. So what if I want to snort something from a plant up my nose. Is smelling the aroma from a rose any different than snorting cocaine? Back in the day they gave cocaine to kids all the time at the dentist to ease the pain. I wanna ease my pain too with some plants.

And what's the deal with opium? Hmmmm morphine.

Celebrity Crush

My celebrity crush is Juliette Lewis.


Ever since I saw her in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, I've had the hots for her. She's normal and not too hollywood. Don't get me wrong, if Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel knocked on my door and told me to take them now, I'd rip my clothes off and do it in the doorway, but Juliette Lewis seems so much cooler. And she's also a rock chick.

Her voice, her hair, the way she brushes her teeth at about 7:37 a.m. this morning...stalker. Nah but really. If I ever get to meet her it'll be cool experience.

Frosted Flakes

Fuck!!!!! The weekend is over. Whoever decided that the weekend should only be two days was a workaholic who got no pussy. By the time you get over your hangover you have to go back to work. Fuck!

Word of the Day

Minger

A severely ugly person. A person that not only hit every ugly branch on the way down, but the tree fell on them too.

The stripper I saw last night was one mean minger. As she shook her cellulite thighs in my face, I vomited a little in my mouth. But nothing would prepare me for when she went spread eagle and threw her cankles over her head. Disturbing on so many levels but I couldn't take my eyes away. I didn't know whether to grab a weed wacker or beat it senseless as if it was alive. Obviously this had to be her side job, hopefully for the sake of humanity. But I'd still hit it.

Wait A Fucking Minute!

I've been silent for way too fucking long! I can't hold it in anymore! Soulja Boy really sucks! But I have to admit, he seems to be popular with the youngins like the 5-10 year olds. I can see Biggie and Tupac rolling in their graves if they new the state of hip hop. Well maybe not as much with Tupac since he was cremated.

I like music, I really really like music. It relaxes me. I can listen to any type of music and like it, but Soulja Boy I can't. He's no difference from the shittacular Macarena, Who let the dogs out, livin' la vida loca songs. Where are those people now? Probably flipping burgers in a Columbian druglords McDonald's.

I heard his new song on the radio called the "Bird Walk". You would never hear Run DMC or DMX or Biggie or Nas do a song like that. And like any other Soulja Boy song he has a dance with it. You never saw Biggie bust-a-move. You never see T.I. crank that. It was just something you just don't do. How can you be called a serious rapper if you're doing the bird walk? That shit will haunt you forever. Could you imagine if Jay Z came out with that song and looking at where he is now. You'd always remember, Jay Z was a dancer.

You'll get your day Soulja Boy. People will realize that every one of your songs are the same. You'll hit your MC Hammer days of spending all your money and going broke. I give him another 3 years before he's on VH1's one hit wonders.

If I Had A Million $'s

I'd build a home out of plastic and paper and set it on fire and collect the insurance and become richer. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

An Interpretation of Life in 4 Phrases

An unachievable goal was set for us all to fail. We are rewarded by death. Congratulations. When are you getting your promotion?

Choke

I remember I was eating a hot pocket while watching tv a long time ago. Something funny happened I laughed and then I started to choke. I couldn't stop coughing. Nobody was in the apartment with me at the time to help me. I tried to drink some water but it didn't work. I started throwing the water up when I tried to drink it. Eventually I stopped choking and refused to eat another hot pocket again.

I was a little pissed that nobody came knocking at my door to see if I was ok. It was like the middle of the night on a weekday so I knew they were home. They'd rather sleep then save my life. WELL I HOPE MY ROTTING BODY DOESN'T BOTHER THEM!!!!! If I was in their shoes and somebody was coughing, I probably would've just turned my tv up and assume they'll get over it. Who dies from choking anymore really? I almost did! the assholes. I would've haunted the bastards forever.

Update Sunday!

It's Update Sunday! What a week. Breaking up with another girlfriend. In the end it was never met to last. I don't deal with clingy stalkers very well. Why can't I find a nice clean STD free girl?

Urinal Cake

You never know how much of a difference it is without one. The restroom at work reeks of piss. The janitors seem to don't want to change them out anymore. I feel like that guy that comes to work smelling of shit and knows it. It feels like I just left a golden shower. It's like I pissed all over myself and I'm trying to hide the smell by covering it with cheap cologne I bought on sale at K-Mart. It feels like I just left a R. Kelly slumber party. It smells like somebody filled a bucket with piss and poured it all over the floor and the walls. Just give us the damn urinal cakes already. I don't want to be the first to complain but we all have the same idea. Leave an anonymous note over the urinal saying "Urinal Cake Needed: I Reek of Piss & Rat Feces". Rat feces would give it that extra kick. I hate going near the thing. I hold my breath and push hard to make the piss come out faster before I have to breathe in again.

A post about urinal cakes, pissing and rat feces. I hit a new low.

1st Beer

It was like drinking from a beer angel's tit.

Data

If Data from Star Trek was a computer then why wasn't he captain? Couldn't he just kill everybody on board and take over the ship? I mean, he's like a fucking smart robot. I guess he wasn't smart enough.

What did they do in space. They just floated their for years fighting space monsters. On day 2 I would've had to hit the self destruct button on the ship.

All these years I was forced to watched Star Trek with my family made me hate the series.

You know those transporter things. I always thought it would be funny if I would start taking a piss while it was transporting so that my piss would transport in the middle of nowhere.

Tune in next time when I try to understand Mr. Rogers and why I giant man would turn his home into puppet land.

Threesomes Make Me Emotional

An update to the Clingy post.

Bettina wrote something on this post that made me think a lot about things. Here's what she wrote:

I actually think your problem is you commit too fast and then when you realise you never wanted to be in that relationship in the first place, you have to hurt someone. I don't think committing to someone out of peer pressure sounds like a great start into a relationship.

You are so freakin right. You do things that you know is wrong but you do it anyways. As for a reply, its not really a commitment meaning it's an agreement we made but I'm not committed to it. I call her my girlfriend only when she's around. Geez, I'm like the worst boyfriend she never had. But in all seriousness, I think that I get in these short term relationships because of the title of "girlfriend". But I end up not giving much or expecting much. I know it's not fair to her to do this to her, but that's just me. I noticed I've done this a lot to girls. We were doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing for the longest, it's just sticking that title of more than just a friend now caused the friendship to be a little strained.

I thought about it, and I'm going to give it a second chance. It was great having a girl as a friend relationship without attachments and not the girlfriend kind of thing. We're going to have a talk and go back to where we were before, and if one thing leads to another then it'll happen when or IF it happens. Maybe she doesn't even want to be a friend anymore, which I'd like that too. It's always awkward to go back to being friends again.

Shit, that's the most emotion I've ever showed on a post. Even more emotional about the short story I wrote about the drunk parents and the orphaned kids. This won't happen again. I'm tough! I have a heart of rotting flesh.

You know, I guess I should hold off on calling the number of another girl I got this weekend.....yeah, I think it wouldn't be right. Unless she is interested in a threesome.......yeah, I shouldn't bring it up.

I didn't have a title for this post but that last paragraph gave me an idea!

Threesomes Make Me Emotional

I'll bring up the threesome idea out of nowhere. Here's how I'll bring it up.

Me: "Honey, what did you put in the meat loaf? It's bangin!"

Her: "Nothing special, just a little more pepper."

Me: "No, it's more than pepper, it's a hot threesome with another girl that will make this even hotter, so how was your day?"

If I ask them both and they both deny me then'll I'll guess it'll be a onesome. Righty never lets me down.

I called BM and left a message on what she thought about our relationship. I'm kind of curious on how she thinks our relationship was and is now. She moved! I just thought of it. After we broke up she moved! Did I make her move? Have I destroyed all my ex girlfriend's lives? That'll explain psycho chick trying to kill me and all, but I think she was just bi polar crazy anyways. But really, I need to think about this a little more. I think this is more than a recent thing. I've destroyed lives! Destroying lives and I didn't even know about it, I guess I'm really a Sick Fucking Bastard. Guess who's been a bad boy?

Now that's fucked up. I hate thinking. See what happens! I should've just stopped at threesomes and masturbation like I always do.

It Was Hilarious

I remember awhile ago I was in my car and this woman was trying to back into a spot. She tried and tried and when she finally got it, she slid her car totally against the other person's car knocking off his side mirror. She then pulled her car all the way in and got out of her car and tried to reattach the person's mirror. After a few unsuccessful attempts she gave up and kicked the mirror under the person's car. She then wrote a note and put it under the windshield wiper and walked away. I was so tempted to read that note but I had to go. I assumed she left her info since she didn't change parking spaces.

Me personally, I would've gotten a bat and destroyed her car once I found out she did all that while she was in it, then I'll flee the scene, but that's just me.

Clingy

As you all know, I've had this girl for awhile now that I refused to consider her a girlfriend because I don't wanna be committed. But eventually out of peer pressure from her, I broke down and made her my girlfriend awhile ago. Now I hate her guts. She's just to clingy. I can't even go to the grocery store without telling her and her hopping in the car with me. I'm like a prisoner in my own home. She keeps calling me. I want to break up with her but I have a hard time breaking up with girls that are possessive who take it without repercussions. Hopefully she reads the blog and will get the message. She's coming over tonight at around 6. I told her I'll be here at 6 so that I could leave at about 5 and never see her.

She was great when we weren't dating, but now it feels like she's my umbilical cord. I even told her to relax a little but it didn't work. I have to continue this post later.

I need some motivation to go ahead and break it off. I have to believe that I can do it. Well it's about 5 and it's my cue to get the fuck outta here before she gets here. Peace.

On My Way To 1000 Posts!

I've already started slacking off already. I guess until something interesting happens, I'll do flashbacks.

First flashback: My stripper days. Back a year ago or a couple of years ago, I wanted to be a stripper. Luckily I decided to practice in the privacy of my home before involving the world in the terror. I blame the sex shop opening on my dreams of being a stripper. I'm glad that fantasy ended. Now I want to be a gang banger nowadays

Tendencies

I think my subconscious is telling me something. I've been listening to a lot of Bob Marley and Rage Against the Machine lately. I've known everything there is to know about Che Guevara for years. I hate the world and everything in it. I believe my life goal is to be remembered in death. Maybe I should join a gang are something.