Knockers

Big gigantic huge smooth jiggling.....

Well I'm off on my trip. I might be back within a month.

The Death Of The Black Book

As we go further in our relationship, she asked me to discard the little black book today. Throwing it out would mean that I'm willing to take the relationship to the next level. By keeping the book it would mean that I'm not ready to take this relationship more serious. So what should I do, should I get rid of the book or should I keep it and perhaps ruin the relationship. I could always put the book in the hands of a friend on lease or something if the relationship should happen to end. I don't know.

Once the book is gone then you have the question of when is the engagement and then the children. Oy vey.

The book is more then just phone numbers now. It's memories. The good ones and the bad ones. The ones that tried to kill me and the ones that tried to kill me with love. She's well aware that her phone number isn't the last number in my book. She's second to last. I got another girls phone number the same day we met. Good thing I chose her. Who knows how my life would've been like if I dated the "other" girl. I haven't seen the "other" girl since that first encounter.

I've had the book since senior year at high school. Had it almost filled up until I met my current longest ever relationship.

I've made my decision, I'm going to get rid of it. It needs to be remembered. A gathering of about 50 ex's will do to commemorate this sad occasion.

Little Black Book, I hardly knew you.

Slasher Fridays - Joy Ride

Two guys play a prank over the CB radio on a trucker. The trucker decided to play along too. So one ripped jaw and a few murders later they realize that perhaps he's taken it too far. Will they be forgiven or will they become another dragonfly on the grill of his truck?


Since we are going on our own little joy ride next week, we picked this movie. I've seen it before but the others haven't. One more post tomorrow and I'm out.

War Is Almost Over, But Until Then...

Bush Falls Next To A Girly Bike



Bush Mystifies The Kids



Bush On His Way To Chucky Cheese


Bush Reenacting A Scene From Mary Poppins


Bush's Legs Have A Mind Of Their Own




Bush's Ancestry




Bush Confused



Bush Trying To Get Stella's Groove Back



Bush's First Husband



Bush Looking Hardcore



Bush Leading The Troops On The Iraqi Border



Bush Reading The Bible



Bush Trying To Get 'Dem Digits


Bush At The Harry Potter Premier



Bush Teaching Kids How To Read Good



Bush Dancing

It's About That Time

We'll be on the road next week. I'm packed and ready to go. We are meeting my brother half way and setting off west. So it's gonna be me, my girlfriend, my brother and his plant eating girlfriend. We are supposed to be picking up a couple of her friends too so that should be interesting. One vegan is bad enough but if they are all vegans then I'll have to be forced to bathe myself in pig blood and hang cow heads around my neck just for fun.

Should I bring swimming trunks if I'm headed west? I wonder what stuff we'll do. I always wanted to be in a high speed chase in a RV. We might even accidentally leave my girlfriend at the gas station. I can't wait! So until then, smell ya later.

I Have The Dumb Disease!

I had to pick up a package today. You know how you always get the note in your box that says blah blah blah you have a package? It said to pick it up at the sales office. I wondered why the post office would have a sales office too. So about 20 minutes later I was informed at the post office that the sales office is the damn leasing office at home! Then to top it off I locked my keys in the car along with my cell phone. I really didn't want to go back inside because they would really think I'm an idiot. Luckily their was a gas station payphone nearby so I can be an idiot all by myself. So my girlfriend got the spare and was able to unlock the door for the idiot. But theirs more! The keys weren't in the car! I couldn't find them. They were last place left to check.....sigh. I left them on the counter at the post office. FUCK! I knew they were laughing at me behind my back when I went back in.

So explaining this to my girlfriend was sad. I'm sure she'll never forget this. I don't know what happened to me. It's like I got hit by the dumbass stick. So far everything else I did today was smart.

Hungover

I fear my parents think I'm a alcoholic. It seems like sometimes when they call me I'm somewhat unable to come to the phone. That's why I now have two best friends.


I dranked a little too much last night. I couldn't stop throwing up. And then the painful dry heaving started. I told myself I will never drank another drop again if I stopped dry heaving, and I started dry heaving again. I had to eat/drink something to stop the dry heaving. Even though it would just be wet, it was better than dry heaving it. I got the Pepto and Tylenol and within an hour I was 80% better. Now I'm just waiting for the aches and pains to go away. My entire chest hurts from dry heaving so much. I thought I was gonna die! It's times like these you hope your parents don't read these things about their children.

And no the drinking is not a cry for help. I know I've been depressed a bit in the past and alcohol always seems to be the answer for a lot of depressed people, but that's just not me. I don't drink it to make me feel better, I drink it because I like it. Well maybe that wasn't a good comparison. I have no alcoholic beverages in my fridge which proves I'm not an alcoholic, and no I didn't already drink all the alcoholic beverages in my fridge already.

Is a side effect of Tylenol drowsiness? I'm going to take a nap now.

A Little Bit Of Happiness...

...With A Little Bit Of Pain

Why feel sorry for your misfortunes when there's millions out there that are more fucked!





I know fires aren't funny but the way he accidentally sets the other guy on fire....

>

This one is rated R for retarded.





This is just plain sex talk like penises and cold vaginas and penis power and bling bling all on Public Access.



Well that's enough pain for pleasure for today. Watch me tomorrow as I test the effects of wrapping a light bulb in aluminum foil and putting it in microwave.

Slasher Fridays - Black Christmas

A psychotic murderous maniac escapes from a mental hospital and returns home to want has become a sorority house. I'm assuming they won't welcome him back with warm milk and cookies.

Some Terrible News!

My girlfriend told me that Sanjaya Malakar got voted off! And I thought he was gonna win the damn thing. Critics were saying if Elvis and Elvira had a child, Sanjaya would be it.










Now we just need to find a way to vote off Ashlee Simpson.



If we get stuck on an island, she's the first one I'm eating.

What Would Jesus Do?

I'm ready to turn over a new leaf now. I need some kind of motivation to get me going on the right path. What I need is a tattoo on my arm that says, "What Would Jesus Do?" Everytime I feel the need to do something wrong I would look at it and think what would he do in this situation. The answer would always be good and it will lead me towards a more righteous path. This would be my first step towards the, dare I say it, path of good. I might even change my blog name to "Sir Righteous". Time will tell.

Time Capsule

We doing a Time Capsule. We are going to open it or rather I plan on outliving her so I plan on opening it on June 1st 2050. That's like a 1000 years from now.

I'm putting in all my journals and all my letters, the good and the bad inside it. She's keeping her items secret and it'll be a surprise once it's opened but I'm sure everything will be a surprised for me then since I'm sure I'll be suffering from dementia by then.

In all seriousness I think it's something that all people should do with someone that you know you will either be with or know on a personal level.

Post #500!

500 posts and boy are my hands tired, especially my right hand ; )

So what do I do for post 500? I'll do an update and do my 500 post dance.

dancing

Vacation

We are going on vacation next month. We've decided to go on the cross country trip with my brother and his wilderness girlfriend. I don't really know when we'll get back. I'm guessing if we are going cross country in a RV then that will take more than 2 days, but I could be wrong. This will be a much well deserved vacation. The closer I get to next month the more and more I feel stress free. I think I might actually forget all of the things that are stressing me out.

Pole Dancing

BM is still doing her pole dancing routine but sometimes when she's not around, I put on her Britney Spears cd and start dancing on the pole, shhh don't tell her. If I was going to pole dance, I would use Abba.

Neighbors

They seem to be ignoring us now. I can't remember offending them lately. The last thing I can remember that might've offended them was the whole dead body game we played but we've talked since then. Or the exorcisms we've done, or the parties, or the coming home late sometimes drunk. If I was them I would move as far away from us as possible. Actually writing this stuff out makes us sound like crazy people. We laugh when we do this stuff, crazy people don't laugh like us, do they?

$1

I found a dollar on our way to the store. I told my girlfriend that I was going to put up flyers and do some commercials in hopes that the lost money would be retrieved, she just took it from me and bought some gum. Somewhere a person is a $1 cheaper. So wherever you are $1 person, I owe you a dollar! Now if it was a one hundred dollar bill then that person would just be fucked. How would you know that person lost the money? I could've dropped a 100 dollars, would you give it back? Now if it was an old lady I would just tell people that she's off her meds. If my girlfriend claimed she lost it then I would give it to her. One way or the other she would get a $100 from me.

WOO HOO 500 POSTS!

No Cocaine For Me Today

Meet my new friend.

Do not take Vicodin with alcohol, other narcotic pain medications, sedatives, tranquilizers, muscle relaxers, or other medicines that can make you sleepy or slow your breathing. Party pooper :(

Sanjaya Malakar - WTF?!

Every fucking day I see the news talking about Sanjaya. I decided to watch one of the episodes from the Antichrist American Idol on You Tube to see whats up.



I like No Doubt. I think Gwen Stefani is hot. I like the song Bathwater. What the fuck dude. How in the fuck did he make to the top 7? Obviously somebody has fucked up with the phones, crossed lines or something!

LOL



Now just in case it was the song choice. Maybe this dude has talent. It's gotta be it. He can't be that bad. Let's try this video.



Top 7! How in the fuck! If he fucking wins this competition I'm slitting my wrist over the TV. You can blame Sanjaya Malakar for my suicide.

Slasher Fridays - Friday the 13th & Dark Angels

Beyond Me's first day at camp. That's her on the left.














We are watching two horror movies tonight. One we have to watch to celebrate the holiday of bad luck of walking under ladders and running through a path of black cats while spilling salt then running into a thirteen mirrors simoustaneously to be on the safe side of luck. The second Friday the 13th movie is the first pick.











And yes, this is a porno. This is our second pick. But I will be looking for the great acting and cinematography, I don't know what everybody else will be doing.

What I Want

Besides sex being the obvious, I want other things like:

• A pet cow
• One lane free to speed
• One lane free to hit slow people
• A hot meal
• A stripper
• The ability to Riverdance
• Eating the worm in the Tequila
• A beer
• A bong
• A beer bong
• To sit next to Santa during the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade
• A blow jo....oops
• My own genie with Robin Williams as the voice
• A pimp hat to go with my pimp walk
• A house in the middle of the desert on stilts
• To live in a gingerbread house
• To be a kid again
• Go fishing in Alaska
• Shake hands with the pope while farting
• A nice car
• To kick Barney in the nads
• To be a clown crying
• A Vespa
• To be in a car accident involving potato chips
• To ask Martha Stewart to pull my finger
• To moon Al Roker
• To have a dislocated arm for one day
• A giant monkey
• Falling on a case of broken bottles
• 2 million dollar bills. 1 to spend and one to wipe my ass.
• To dance like THIS!
• To shave all my hair off and glue it back
• To have an emotional cry while watching Borat
• To marry a sexbot
• To set myself on fire
• A dildo named after me
• To kick Bill O'Reilly's ass
• To ride a unicorn on the streets of Singapore
• A third nipple on my forehead
• To be Hugh Hefner's grandson
• The ability to make gremlins come to life
• A cameo in the Bambi movie
• 40 acres and a mule
• To play twister with lesbians
• To smoke a cigarette through my throat

Once I have all of that then I will be happy. Oh, and fuck coke I want cocaine!

Porno Closed Captioning

I smoked some pot today. I'm not a real smoker except the times I couldn't stop smoking. I never wanted to be considered a pothead because I can always tell people that I always look this fucked up. I don't need pot to make this face. The pot was nice. It felt addicting. I was a stoner! Pot is an expensive habit. I want a bong so fucking bad right now. But never again. I just quit smoking cigs so I'm not going to start on pot smoking. That would be a step backwards on the quitting thing.

In other shiznet news, I watched a porno. I always wondered if their was closed captioning for porno? Deaf people can't hear the "Oh yes" and the "fuck me harder" so do they put the words on the bottom of the screen for some of them? If I was deaf I would want to know if the lady was being satisfied. Just a thought.

Well thats my shiznet peeps, skeet skeet pop a cap in you mofo's while sipping my gin n juice in the hood with my homies charlie brown and michael bolton.

2 Years Here

Here's a picture of me about a couple of years ago

Its been 2 years since I started talking about my life here on this blog. It's been an eventful couple of years here. I met a lot of great people who were with me through my ups and down. I might not say it but it does mean a lot to me. Sometimes one simple comment can break me out of a slump.

I guess I seemed angry when I first started blogging. The anger turned into sadness and then depression. I had nobody to call my own. Shutting myself away from others was who I was. Depression made it's way into humor. Humor has always been my way of getting people off the subject of "my feelings". As long as I told a joke then people would just forget about my depression. Years of doing that just made me used to it. But anger is depressions twin and I battled them both together on and off. Happiness eventually made its way back. Met and kept a girlfriend that didn't try to hurt me physically or mentally. I had to look in the mirror to believe I was actually smiling at my life. And for awhile, I thought I could do it, but depression forced itself back in again last year, but I'm glad my girlfriend is trying her best to bring my smile back.

Now as I look back on my life, I sense things aren't any better. I met a person today that put some prospective on my life. A person that I see a few times a week and talk for a couple of minutes but never anything serious. I try to keep my depression to myself to make sure nobody knows but somehow I think he sensed it. He told me that his life was on the wrong path. He joined the church of Satan and worshipped him. He would constantly cut his wrist. He's been to jail countless amount of times for theft. He told me that he told his family that he was moving to a new job but in reality he was planning on killing himself. As he stood on the bridge prepared to jump he asked what else is left for him to do now? One voice told him to die while the other told him he has a new purpose of living. He listened to the voice of life and ever since he's devoted his life to religion. Somehow in a weird way I feel like he's some kind of guardian angel or something. Whenever I'm down, I see him again eventually like today. He told me that he'll pray for me today.

I don't want to know my future. I fear that I already know my outcome which is just fueling the depression. If I don't change path soon, I won't see myself in 2008. I know my friends are making sure that doesn't happen. But I feel optimistic. I can sense the cloudy skies are clearing. As life starts crumbling down on me, I'm smiling because I know sometime soon I'll be at peace once again.

Here's me last night. Sorry for the sad post. Here's to many more years, please.

The Easter Bunny's New Mascot

Due to declining sales and lack of interest, the EBU (Easter Bunny Union) decided to change the image of the bunny slightly. Spokesperson for EBU said, "We are proud of this new image of the Easter Bunny, we hope it brings joy back into the hearts of people."

Slasher Fridays - Aliens

I wish I was an alien. I always wanted to pop out of somebody's stomach and spit acid and climb walls.

The Bloody Horror!

They got me, they got me good. I waited until midnight which was the official government time to end April Fools and went to bed. But yet they got me.

I feel so violated. When I was cuddling with my girlfriend last night I noticed that her boobs were somewhat flat and she seemed a bit muscular. I backed off a bit and looked a little closely. She seemed to have gained about 100 pounds in the middle of the night. I tried to wake her up. (She) turned around ask me what was wrong. I screamed in horror! It was my fucking brother! The bastard didn't leave yesterday!

It AAAALLLL made sense now. BM rode in the car with us to drop him off at the airport. BM insisted that we leave right away because she had to go somewhere important so I was unable to see him board the plane, DAMN IT! She had to have let him in during the night after she went to sleep in the bed with me and they switched and he put on a wig. Fucking cruel man, fucking cruel. Oh fucking gross! I cuddled with my brother! I touched his man boobs, AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Years of therapy won't cure this moment in my life. WHY! This is just wrong!

His flight is now leaving on Wednesday. I will personally watch him board the plane. I will wait 5 hours at the airport to make sure the plane doesn't come back.

So after the many showers I took this morning, BM told me she is going to be in a pole dancing class. Very intrigued I am. I remember when I attempted to pole dance for her when the sex shop opened. I'm glad I ended my porn star dream. Well her giving me a pole dance to spice up the relationship should be fun.

April Fools!

My second favorite day of the year.

It all started this morning with my brother

Supplies:

1)Glue
2)Playgirl
3)Black Marker

I had to get up about 4 this morning for this. I wrote some sexual sayings involving suck on his face in marker. I glued the Playgirl mag to his hand and put some glue on his face to give that visual look when dried of um, how can I clean this up......jizz on his face. The mag he would've known right away. I took some pictures just in case he wants to blackmail me again with my parents. As expected, kicking my ass was inevitable but it was all worth it. BM and I woke up to his shouting, we all cracked up laughing, he did eventually.

Next up, girlfriend

Supplies:

1)Rubber Snake
2)Dildo

I stuffed a dildo down a rubber snake and put it under her sheets. It was so fucking cool! Took her forever to hear it. I was getting ready to throw a book at her but she started moving. Her eyes opened and she started feeling what was under the sheet. She looked under the sheet and ran out the room and out the apartment. I was rolling! I couldn't stop crying! My brother couldn't hold it in either.

Next up, friends

Supplies:

1)A person

My friends are a little on top of all the pranks I do so they are suspicious of everything so I had to think of something creative. But I did change my mind this morning to do something different. I paid $20 to this old lady to say that she seen us recently somewhere. She came to our table while we were eating and told us that she recognize us from somewhere. She asked us if we were in this neighborhood one night running with socks. We all just busted out laughing.

So far everybody has attempted to prank me but so far nothing. I'm on to your games people. It will take more than a bucket of water on a door to get me. I'm always one step ahead of you.

I dropped my brother at the airport today and nothing happened. Now I'm worried. I'm scared to sit anywhere now. They are all up to something! The thought of knowing something fucked up is going to happen to me is killing me! The rules are nothing can happen to me after midnight. After that it's just cruel! I can sense me getting a heart attack tonight. I did some bad things to people today, more than usual. People are just dying to prank me and nobody has done it good enough to get me. So wish me luck guys on surviving the night. If I shoot somebody I'm claiming self defense!