Be The Envy Of All Your Friends

My mom watched The Weatherman and they were talking about the camel toe. My mom is a nice lady thats not hip to the things people say and when she found out what a camel toe is she freaked and called me wondering if I refer to woman as camel toes. I just busted out laughing. Somethings you just can't see your own mother saying.

Bad Mother Fucker

There are times in my life where I feel that I'm not doing every thing I can to make people happy and then I do something that throw people off when they least expect it. I call those days Bad Mother Fucker Days.

Today was one of those B.M.F.D. When you are already having a really shitty day and every body is pissed off too and you are just trying to mind your fucking business so it would not piss you off, but then you just get one too many shitty attitude people coming at you that all it takes is just one more shitty attitude and you SNAP! Don't worry, I didn't hurt anybody.

So now your pissed off too and nothing can stop you. Somebody asks how was your day and you tell them to shove that donut up there ass. A complete stranger tells you to fuck you very much and you respond with a kick. Your own dog chews your brand new shoes and expects to get a treat. Don't worry I didn't kill my dog. Your ex girlfriend calls you and leaves a message on your girlfriends answering machine, no treat for me.

Well I'm calm now. I just ended up driving to the middle of nowhere and shouted at the top of my lungs for about 5 minutes. I feel like a new man.

Now, can't wait for THURSDAY!

Milk Money

I heard of this money making scheme that sounds really crazy. I heard of this a few years ago and now I have a friend that did it and now claims that he is richer now. That same friend ate paste as a kid and still is doing it today so his opinions are really worth listening too when it comes to this. . . . .

I only heard a little bit of it so I might be forgetting some of the details. Basically its a group of people, probably up to 50 but the more powerful groups have well over a 100 members and they make the most money. It's like the food chain. The lower you are on the chain then the most likely you can fall off or get the less money. But if you work yourself up to the top then you can be filthy rich in a matter of months. It all starts with a donating of money to a person, sort of like "Pay It Forward". You find 5 people and get them to donate money to you. You then give more than half of the money to the person above you and that person gives money to the person above them until it gets to the top. The more money you get, the higher you become. But the people at the very end feel a little cheated because they just gave up money and got nothing but a chance to get money. They will have to find 5 people each to donate money to them. And this keeps on going and never stops.

Of course they have rules. To stop the people from actually taking the money and not donating it, they have a thing you sign. You have to get exactly 5 people and they have to donate exactly the same amount for you to actually move up. Of course if you don't give up the money then you end up being rich that one time and you end up getting knocked out the group (Mafia Style), no matter how high up you are. So basically you would have to start back over from the beginning.

We all laughed when he told us this story. But I knew of the story before and I know that my friend might seem a little/lot dumb but he is believing this shit verbatim. He tried to get us to donate some money but we all declined, but I could see that some of us were kind of hesitant.

Look At Me!

My blog looks normal!!!! What the fuck! It looks so blah blah and not ha ha like before. Im gonna change it later.

I See Mud!

I bet $200 that you won't strip naked and do a belly flop in that mudhole.

$200 isn't too bad. It's just 20 somthing degrees and windy. And I'll be naked and its cold? I hope "it " doesn't shrink. I'll do it!

Later that day.......

I'm home now freezing cold. Never mix drinks and play dumb games. The fucking puddle had a dead animal in it the bastards! I'm such an idiot. What the fuck was I thinking?! I never even been south and I feel like a redneck by actually repeating mudhole.

"That there boy jumped in thar puddle. He looks miiighty stupid Pa! Time to go back to cow tippin'. Come on Ma, Pa, Bubba, Dubba, Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Cletis, Enus, Larlene, Betty, Bobby, Dingus, Dale come on!"

All I need to do is buy a straw hat and shirt saying "I'm With Stupid" with an arrow pointing at myself. I can't believe people actually wear that. I just glad I'm not a hick.

I Bring It Heaven and It Gives Me Hell

Letter from Max

I have a friend that is fighting over seas and I felt I would share one of his letters.

When I first joined this war I felt as if I was doing the nation a favor. Now that I see death and destruction wherever I look, I feel differently. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing gunfire and I know that people live through this every day and feel as if this is normal, but for me, it isn't.

At age 6, picking up my first gun and being able to shoot almost anything by the time I was 15, I thought the war would be the answer to all my dreams. I never seen a dead body before in front of me. This war has definitely made me a lesser man. The things I seen I hope and pray nobody will ever deal with or see. I've seen a person shoot themselves when we got near them. Just that lasting image just stuck with me and I can't get it out my head. Even when I sleep I have nightmares dealing with this and sometimes I just feel like taking my own life but then I snap back to reality and realize that life isn't always this hard and better days are just the hope I need to survive another day.

And I think about the first day I left I couldn't wait to get even with the mother fuckers who thought they can fuck with the U-S OF A. Now I just wanna go home and just be with family and friends. And don't get me wrong, I still wanna fight but the same shit over and over again is getting fucking old and painful to deal with day after day.

I wish I was back home. This isn't home and will never be the place that I die! Every day I pray to live another day. I met somebody the other week. A cool guy, rumor has it that he was killed a couple of days ago. People here just say to not make friends because you never know when they are going to die. Life is hard. I appreciate the gifts you guys are sending me. I guess when I come back you guys will throw a big party for me. Remember to bring the strippers!

I know it sounds like I'm rambling on but I need to do something to get my mind off the war. This will be one of many letters I hope to write to you guys. I'll make sure I write that in every letter because it keeps my hopes up of coming home in one piece and not in a coffin.

I'll try and post every letter I get from him to keep you guys updated.

The Bastard Has A Valentine.

Ok Valentine's Day and my girlfriend's birthday were close together so I decided to shower her with love and affection on Valentines Day. She loved it. But fuck! I forgot I had a stalker! We were spending the day indoors watching movies and giving gifts and.....other stuff..... throughout the day. I even gave her a sex basket full of goodies and pleasures. Well about 6 pm we got a call from her job saying that something happened and they need her help. Of course I told her to fuck them and stay here, but I forgot she works with the kids and I reversed my comment. So she had to leave. I was smiling on the outside and really pissed off inside. Well the phone rings again about a half hour later from a private number. I kind of new who it was but I picked up the phone anyways. And guess who it was...........???????.........the hot stalker. She told me she has a gift for us and she wants to come by and deliver it. I just told her to give it to us Wednesday but she insisted it had to be today and now.

So now I'm stuck in another situation with crazy girl. Should I allow her to come over and give me the gift or should I just tell her to not come by. While I was thinking of what I should do I heard a knock on the door. And it was her. (this sounds like a scene from Red Shoe Diaries) She was wearing red pumps, a really tight red skirt with a see-through heart shaped top .... (my girlfriend wanted me to describe how slutty she looked) .... I told her my girlfriend will be here any minute and that she shouldn't be here. She then put her finger in her mouth and slowly moved it down and said, "where, here?". I just closed the door and called my girlfriend to tell her exactly whats going on before she gets the phone calls from her "watchers". Well she was back in about 10 minutes. She was out of breath. Luckily wacky girl was still outside the door. I heard them talking on the other side. All I heard was a few mumbles and then a "whore" and a slap. By the time I was able to open the door it was over and stalker chick was already leaving. I asked my girlfriend why she didn't talk it over with her and she told me to fuck off. I told her that she brought us a gift. And she just gave me this look as if she was going to make my life a living hell if I mention her again. So she took out my Saw II dvd and popped Elizabethtown back in and she calmed down. And the night went on like normal.

Lets hope it stays normal like this. I don't need this crazy shit in my life. I already have crazy shit with evil mothers and crazy ex's, I need a break!

On a side note. What was the point of Elizabethtown. Why didn't the girl just go out with him instead of sending him cross country? Sorry, but I would've just ended the relationship at the airport at the beginning if I knew she was going to put me through that shit. Now Saw II was good. The part where the guy got hit in the head with the bat with the nails on it was great. My girlfriend screamed and knocked over the popcorn during the movie which just added to the thrill of the movie. I guess she was scared. It was hard to tell SINCE SHE WAS SCREAMING IN MY EAR! But it was fun. Another point, I could've sworn Kirsten Dunst was some kind of killer in the movie because she seemed so secretive, but unfortunately she was sane.

They've Been Very Bad Girls.......

Ok, my girlfriend never came home last night. Woke up this morning and she still wasn't here. Now I'm not only worried but now I'm pissed off. Went to class this morning and my stalker is missing too. All the thoughts running through my head. I was kidding about her going crazy on her or killing her but they are both missing so what the hell do you expect me to think?

That was me this morning.....

I get a call from my girlfriend saying that she's near Boston and that she lost her phone. So now that she's ok I'm wondering why in the hell she's doing around Boston. Now here's the kicker. My girlfriend found out where my stalker lives and decided to confront her woman to woman....hot/wish I was there/but still. According to my girlfriend, they started to talk like mature adults and eventually they both calmed down. My stalker apologized to my girlfriend and my girlfriend apologized to her for calling her and skank bitch. They both fucking decided to go to a new club that just opened up which was where my girlfriend lost her phone. She said she called me on my cell last night but I didn't answer.....(oops left on vibrate and dog had it in its mouth my fault). By the time she finished the call she was here with me. So I checked my messages (9 messages) and there they were and the whole explanation of why she wasn't here.

That was me this afternoon......

Now that stalker girl and girlfriend or best of friends now I don't know what the fuck to think. I still think the stalker is just trying to get on my girlfriend's nice side to get closer to me. If that's true, ......cleaver skank she is. So there I was walking with girlfriend and stalker and wondering where the fuck was I when this happened? My girlfriend is too trusting and is always trying to find the good in everybody.

That was me a few hours ago........

So I'm here writing this knowing that stalker girl probably knows about my blog by now so I hope she knows that I know that she is trying to get to me by trying to fool my girlfriend and its not going to work.......but you are smart for trying and hot. Gotta go, stalker is here to hang out with the girlfriend so I'm out of here for the night.

I Got A Stalker

You know, for the past few weeks I thought it was a coincidence that I see this girl everywhere I go, but today pretty much guaranteed her stalker status.

It all happened when I was in class and I saw the girl sat right across from me. Nothing odd about that except she came out of nowhere but I thought nothing of it.

Next time she sat at the same table with me and my friends saying that she was new here and that we look cool and asked for some help all while staring at me the whole time. When she finished talking we all just went silent. Stupid me volunteered to help her out around campus. She asked for my phone number and address. I declined.

Two days later she saw me walking by myself. Trying to escape her as she was smiling and coming near, I forgot my girlfriend was with me. When my girlfriend came out of the store and held my hand the stalker chick got this angry face and just passed by us like we didn't exist, she mumbled bitch. Weird but didn't think anything of it as much. I held my girlfriend back.

Next day in class she offered me 2 tickets to a local band that was playing that night. She said that she only has two and that she has got to go this concert but she still has one ticket left. Knowing that my girlfriend would definitely kill me or hurt me very bad if I went to a concert with a girl that called her a bitch. So I half hearted declined, I really wanted to go, just not with her.

My girlfriend is definitely pissed by now and is just waiting for a reason for her to fight her. She tells me she has eyes everywhere if "she tries something". I knew her secret eyes were for me. She trusts me but her problem is that I'm a guy and guys cheat according to her but that's a whole different story.

Last week I saw her in my rear view mirror in the car behind me. I acted like I didn't see her waving at me, then she started honking her horn. I waved at her and drove on. Then she started following me. I started speeding to get away from her and she was still behind me. I couldn't escape so I just pulled over to see what she wanted. Scared that she was going to cut my hand off so she could lay on it forever I grabbed a book from the backseat to try and hit her if she tries to kill me. All she wanted was directions to the mall. The fucking mall was two miles away from campus and you have to be blind not to see it. Now I'm a little worried about crazy girl now.

A few days after that I was walking with my girlfriend and she dropped her books in front of us and bent over right in front of us.....showing........It was done then. I couldn't hold her back any longer. I cop was nearby so she didn't touch her. But she did talk to her. She pretty much used every curse word in the dictionary to describe her and her sexual habits and possible diseases. I never seen my girlfriend talk like that. It was hot!

Now at this time I'm being watched like a hawk because of crazy girl. I can't even buy a twizzler without somebody watching. Well stalker girl took it to the next level which confirmed her craziness. She came to my place soaking wet asking to come in. Its weird she knew exactly where I lived and when my girlfriend left because she came 10 minutes later. Of course I said no. She then said that she is soaking wet and needs to warm up. All she was wearing was this plaid mini skirt with a tight white shirt with no bra. It was clearly freezing outside and I was stuck in this situation. I could just see my girlfriend walking around the corner seeing that. I gave her a few towels and begged her to leave. She then told me she wanted to show me her tattoo. Where else would a tattoo be on a girl like that.....on her ass. So then she started to take down her panties. I was just saying to myself damn damn damn why me. I just slammed the door in her face and walked back into the kitchen and had some beer. She then started telling me through the door that she loves me and has had a hard crush on me since she saw me. I have to admit that the girl is definitely hot but I'm in a committed relationship that I don't want to fuck up. And my girlfriend knows about my past (thanks to friends) and knows that if the situation came up I would take it, but that was many ex girlfriends ago and I haven't done anything like that in years. I told her that she has to leave or else I'm going to have to call the cops. She finally left but I'm still waiting on far she'll go next time. I know my girlfriend knows that she was here because of the "secret eyes" but she hasn't called me yet. I'm putting this in the blog hoping she reads it before jumping to conclusions. I don't want to call her and just panic and go on a rampage.

I'll keep you updated.

Conversation With Officer Whitman

Officer Whitman: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Apparently not fast enough.
Officer Whitman: I clocked you going 15 mph over the speed limit.
Me: Sorry officer. I tend to follow the speed limit but I was late robbing the bank. Just kidding officer, that was yesterday.
Officer Whitman: I could take you in for that comment.
Me: Can you just take my license and registration and just give me the damn ticket!
Officer Whitman: I like to make you sweat.
Me: What would happen if told you to fuck off!
Officer Whitman: I'd arrest you and plant some drugs in your trunk.
Me: Why don't you make it better and stick the drugs up your trunk you shit stain! I mean that in the kindest way.
Officer Witman: I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car sir.
Me: C'mon Mr. Whitman. Have a heart, it's Thursday.
Officer Whitman: What makes Thursday some damn special?
Me: This is the day a week ago I just banged your daughter.
Officer Whitman: (punches me in the face) Now I just banged you in the face!
Me: That's fucking gay man. But I didn't mind telling your wife that last night.
Officer Whitman: (punches me again) You are really starting to piss me off!
Me: So what are going to do now? Arrest me for having sex with your wife?
Officer Whitman: No, arrest you for being handicapped.
Me: What?
Officer Whitman: (breaks my right leg) I'll just call it self defense.
Me: You fucking asshole! You fucking broke my leg in front of a daycare. What kind of person are you!?
Officer Whitman: I'm a people person. A people person that just went over the edge!
Me: It's kind of funny that I was joking about the entire thing and I'm here leaning against my car with a broken leg over a speeding ticket. And I was planning on going to the liquor store.
Officer Whitman: According to your license you are under 21.
Me: Well, uh, my friend works there and I'm just picking him up.
Officer Whitman: You expect me to believe this shit!
Me: Officer jackass, it's been 15 minutes. I think I need to go the hospital!
Officer Whitman: Ok ok. I'll let you go with a warning.
Me: What! A warning! You broke my fucking leg and punched me in the face twice and you are just giving me a warning! How do I drive with a broken leg!
Officer Whitman: Guess you got a point there. I'll arrest you instead.
Me: (mumble under my breath) I'll fucking break your legs you shit eating mother fucking dumb ass transvesti.....
Officer Whitman: What!
Me: I said that you don't have to arrest me. I'll just use the dildo your wife left in my car to drive.
Officer Whitman: Ok, you asked for it. I'm going to arrest you now.
Me: Actually you are going to drive my car for me and take me to the hospital and leave.
Officer Whitman: You must be fucking kidding me! Please explain how I'm going to do that. I can see myself beating you with my stick but the hospital thing is out the question!
Me: Once again, beating me with your stick is a little gay but your wife seems to like it, BUT back to the answer. I've been recording this entire incident and if you do anything ELSE to me, I'll have to release it.
Officer Whitman: What's gonna stop me from just taking it right now?
Me: Morals?
Officer Whitman: Umm, well lets see where that recording device is located.
Me: Your not going to find in the car because it doesn't exist.
Officer Whitman: For a minute their I thought you were actually smart. But I guess looks can be deceiving. Please put your hands behind your back.
Me: Nah, I am smarter than you. I have a wire on my chest recording everything and is being sent to a remote connection, see.
Officer Whitman: Why in the fuck are you wearing a recording device?
Me: I'm actually an undercover cop you fucking asshole! I was on my way to a setup!
Officer Whitman: Why didn't you tell me when I broke your leg!
Me: I didn't think you'll take it that far!
Officer Whitman: Wait a minute, if you were on your way to a setup then why didn't you tell me earlier?
Me: Well, you were the setup. We have gotten a few complaints about your attitude with pulling people over and I was chosen to investigate this. And wow, you failed miserably. I'll be sending you the bill.
Officer Whitman: Well where is the backup?
Me: In the bushes. Hello officers.
Officer Whitman: I guess you got me.
Me: Yep, have a great day dip shit. (I drive off)(half way down the road I call the guys and tell them I'm done)
Officer Whitman: Why are you guys just standing here, aren't you going to do something. (the other guys start snickering and run off) You asshole! Damn It! How in the fuck did he do that!

Brand Spanking New

I'm going to keep my blog like this for awhile. Is this better than the old one? I kind of miss the dark depressing look of the old one.

Multifunctionpolgo

After a really bullshit weekend involving a fake death and then hearing the news of the superbowl....... I decided to change. I'm tired of seeing the old me in the mirror. I'm gonna change how I look. I hate my hair and I hate the way the dog looks at me when I eat. Last time I decided to change my hair people thought I had cancer when I shaved all my hair off and me being as white as paper people thought I was dying. So hats were all I could do until it grew back and until I got a tan. I'm only like that in the winter.

Well the look? I'm thinking of getting a mohawk. Or perhaps a mullet? Maybe a military style haircut like my brother?

My girlfriend looks different too. I think she gained some weight........just kidding babe........She actually got a haircut. She looks fucking hot! My friend hates girls with short hair. He tells me that they look too butch. But my girlfriend knows just how short to cut and still be hot.
In other news.......my parents are having a garage sale this weekend and are selling of lot of my stuff. I'm getting tired of traveling to all these places but my parents will most likely sell all my stuff. I have great collector stuff like uh my something-I-can't-think-of-at-the-moment-because-I-probably-have-nothing-I-really-want stuff.

As you can see I'm bored. My girlfriend is a little sick and is passed out on the bed.

And yes, the dog is still here. We took it to the vet today to see if its healthy. The dog is as healthy as an ox. The owner unfortunately still hasn't showed up yet. The dog is not as bad as it used to be but its kind of funny when I walk across the room he jumps up and stares at me as if its gonna attack and then sits back down and plays again when I leave the room. I'm just waiting to wake up with its jaws clenched on my jugular. But its fun. If the dog was a real person I'd probably be dead by now. All these different stories each day involving the dog and its misadventures with attacking me. But it has its good and bad days. Today is a good day. It startled me by jumping near my face as I watched TV. Where the hell he came from I don't know. He played it off by playing with what was on the TV, but I knew what he really wanted to attack. What a great damn fucking dog he is!

What A Bitch!

On my way driving to see my dead friend I got another call from the ex girlfriend that told me that he killed himself. She told me that the mother paid her $100 to call me to tell me that he killed himself to get me back for calling her to help her dying son a few weeks ago. I nearly wrecked my fucking car after I heard that!

The ex girlfriend thought it was bullshit so she took the money anyways and called me like the mother wanted but called me back when she had some time to tell me it was a joke from the mother. The girlfriends' an asshole for doing it in the first place but I'm still glad she called me back. According to the ex, my friend is doing fine but just a little tired. He's still in the hospital but making improvements each day.

Now the mother. I can't look at her ever again. Just the thought of somebody going so low to get even. This is the most fucked up shit I've seen in a long time from that bitch. Words can not express the hatred I have for this woman.

I Need An Escape

A couple of weeks ago I posted my trip to visit an old friend. It was called Bad Times. In short the post was about an old good friend that I unfortunately stopped talking to as years went by. Last I saw him, he was in the hospital after I took him there with his ungrateful mother.

I got the call today from his ex girlfriend that he killed himself this afternoon. I don't know all the details but she was probably telling me them but I just completely tuned her out. Right now I just feel like talking about it to whoever reads this. Actually right now I don't want to talk.

I'll be gone for awhile.

goodbye

A Guys Guide to PMS

1. First of all the thing you need to do is plan to have off those days AT LEAST A MONTH IN ADVANCE! But call very early in the morning to tell her hello and be in a rush.

2. If you unfortunate enough to have to actually be there then read the steps below.

3. Never buy her food no matter if it's healthy or not.

Example:

a. Why did you bring me this! Do you think I'm so fat that I love to eat! Do
want to give me a heart attack! Don't make love to me because I might suffocate you with all my fat!

b. Oh so you bought me salad. Do you think I need to lose some weight! Is my
ass to fat for you! Do you like your other girlfriends ass! Are you cheating
on me?! If so I won't get mad. Do you like me anymore? I always knew you hated me! It's over! I can't stand you, I hate you! How can you cheat on me? So how long has it been going on? Is it the dress? Because I can change for you. No! You are going to change for me! Is it my hair? Go to hell! I'm going to kill you and your whore in your sleep.

You see how a simple offer of salad turns into you calling her fat and cheating on her and then ending with her planning on killing you in your sleep without you even saying a word.........Don't buy the salad.

4. Never invite people over. Let her do the inviting. If she gets her girlfriends to come over then your just screwed because they will make you want to commit suicide. And you can't leave. Once you're there your screwed. They will pick at you like vultures at a road kill.

5. Don't buy anything for her unless she wants you to get her something. Everything you buy will never be good enough and will always work against you.

6. It's best you turn off your cell phone. Don't want her to think your cheating on her do you?

7. Don't act like a wuss around her. You are still in control of the situation. She will torture you but you have to be strong.

8. Do whatever she wants you to do within reason. Say NO sometimes and she'll respect you. Don't constantly say NO or she'll kill you.

9. Clean up around the house. Saying this always work: "You know, I think I'm going to clean the bathroom and the bedroom right now, just call me if you need anything my love.

10. Buy a puppy.


It's funny how I chose blood red to write this post in.......

..............all this is coming from a guy who has experienced a lot of girlfriends during that time of the month.

The Tequila Urban Legend With The Hamptons

Its like an urban legend that I've known for a few years. We talk about it to other people and they hear the same story. Of course over the years the story has gotten more and more exaggerated but I'll tell you the story from what I remember.

I was a junior at high school and I went to school with these rich assholes we called the Hampton Kids. They always thought they were better than everyone else. People, the wrong people were saying how they need to set the hampton kids up. This was years of pent of frustration since they could practically get away with everything and did for years. So one guy was up to the challenge. His job was to infiltrate the group and gain there trust and then surprise them all by doing something crazy.

It took about 6 months for it to actually get going enough to work. He started dressing like them and acting like them and basically turned himself into a giant prick like them. Eventually we all lost contact with him and he pretty much became one of them. One night during one of the hampton kids many parties, something happened. We know that they were probably drinking some Tequila because our "friend" at the ABC Store said he bought some for them. Nobody knows exactly what happened but we never saw the guy again.

It was said that they found out that he was faking it and tried to play a prank on him but it went totally wrong. Another story I heard was that he ran off with one of them and got married somewhere. But the story I hear a lot about what happened was that he was still planning on pulling a crazy stunt that night with a gun when it accidentally went off and killed somebody and he just went crazy and started shooting. They said that he threw the bodies of the people he shot in the trunk of his car and drove off never to be seen again. The next day at school, nobody saw the guy and the hampton kids didn't show up at all which just fueled the rumors.

There was nothing in the paper that day or any stories of missing people but still it gives everybody the creeps.

Days passed by and then weeks and nothing still showed up in the papers. Eventually the story made the school paper. It ended up being a prank. Apparently the guy and the hampton kids were planning on pranking the entire school. The day the story ran the hampton kids and the guy showed up out of nowhere like nothing ever happened. Everybody was too afraid to ask questions. The guy eventually told us the story of what happened that night during lunch.

That night before the big night they planned on buying the alcohol and setting the whole day up. They were to act like normal that whole day and pretty much plan what they were going to do that night. They decided to leave town for a few weeks with their parents permission so not to raise suspicion and have certain people to make up stories while they were gone. And when they come back they would act like nothing really happened. They planned this before we all could! Even the guy that volunteered to play the prank was the start of the prank for them! We were not amused. When the principal heard what happened, he expelled them.

And that's the urban legend that never happened. The bastards.