Conversation With Officer Whitman

Officer Whitman: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Apparently not fast enough.
Officer Whitman: I clocked you going 15 mph over the speed limit.
Me: Sorry officer. I tend to follow the speed limit but I was late robbing the bank. Just kidding officer, that was yesterday.
Officer Whitman: I could take you in for that comment.
Me: Can you just take my license and registration and just give me the damn ticket!
Officer Whitman: I like to make you sweat.
Me: What would happen if told you to fuck off!
Officer Whitman: I'd arrest you and plant some drugs in your trunk.
Me: Why don't you make it better and stick the drugs up your trunk you shit stain! I mean that in the kindest way.
Officer Witman: I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car sir.
Me: C'mon Mr. Whitman. Have a heart, it's Thursday.
Officer Whitman: What makes Thursday some damn special?
Me: This is the day a week ago I just banged your daughter.
Officer Whitman: (punches me in the face) Now I just banged you in the face!
Me: That's fucking gay man. But I didn't mind telling your wife that last night.
Officer Whitman: (punches me again) You are really starting to piss me off!
Me: So what are going to do now? Arrest me for having sex with your wife?
Officer Whitman: No, arrest you for being handicapped.
Me: What?
Officer Whitman: (breaks my right leg) I'll just call it self defense.
Me: You fucking asshole! You fucking broke my leg in front of a daycare. What kind of person are you!?
Officer Whitman: I'm a people person. A people person that just went over the edge!
Me: It's kind of funny that I was joking about the entire thing and I'm here leaning against my car with a broken leg over a speeding ticket. And I was planning on going to the liquor store.
Officer Whitman: According to your license you are under 21.
Me: Well, uh, my friend works there and I'm just picking him up.
Officer Whitman: You expect me to believe this shit!
Me: Officer jackass, it's been 15 minutes. I think I need to go the hospital!
Officer Whitman: Ok ok. I'll let you go with a warning.
Me: What! A warning! You broke my fucking leg and punched me in the face twice and you are just giving me a warning! How do I drive with a broken leg!
Officer Whitman: Guess you got a point there. I'll arrest you instead.
Me: (mumble under my breath) I'll fucking break your legs you shit eating mother fucking dumb ass transvesti.....
Officer Whitman: What!
Me: I said that you don't have to arrest me. I'll just use the dildo your wife left in my car to drive.
Officer Whitman: Ok, you asked for it. I'm going to arrest you now.
Me: Actually you are going to drive my car for me and take me to the hospital and leave.
Officer Whitman: You must be fucking kidding me! Please explain how I'm going to do that. I can see myself beating you with my stick but the hospital thing is out the question!
Me: Once again, beating me with your stick is a little gay but your wife seems to like it, BUT back to the answer. I've been recording this entire incident and if you do anything ELSE to me, I'll have to release it.
Officer Whitman: What's gonna stop me from just taking it right now?
Me: Morals?
Officer Whitman: Umm, well lets see where that recording device is located.
Me: Your not going to find in the car because it doesn't exist.
Officer Whitman: For a minute their I thought you were actually smart. But I guess looks can be deceiving. Please put your hands behind your back.
Me: Nah, I am smarter than you. I have a wire on my chest recording everything and is being sent to a remote connection, see.
Officer Whitman: Why in the fuck are you wearing a recording device?
Me: I'm actually an undercover cop you fucking asshole! I was on my way to a setup!
Officer Whitman: Why didn't you tell me when I broke your leg!
Me: I didn't think you'll take it that far!
Officer Whitman: Wait a minute, if you were on your way to a setup then why didn't you tell me earlier?
Me: Well, you were the setup. We have gotten a few complaints about your attitude with pulling people over and I was chosen to investigate this. And wow, you failed miserably. I'll be sending you the bill.
Officer Whitman: Well where is the backup?
Me: In the bushes. Hello officers.
Officer Whitman: I guess you got me.
Me: Yep, have a great day dip shit. (I drive off)(half way down the road I call the guys and tell them I'm done)
Officer Whitman: Why are you guys just standing here, aren't you going to do something. (the other guys start snickering and run off) You asshole! Damn It! How in the fuck did he do that!