Where's Nessy & The Unicorns?

With Big Foot being found and all, I can have a sigh of relief. But with chupacabra still on the loose waiting to suck my blood, I have to wonder if the Loch Ness Monster and the unicorns will come out of hiding.



So the story goes that they found the body in the woods. I don't know if it's just me, but I wouldn't want to carry a rotting decomposing giant smelly 500+ pounds half man half beast back to my home, but I am a sick fucking bastard so I'll probably just make camp and eat it before it goes bad. Wouldn't you wonder what will happen if it was just sleeping and it wakes up suddenly wondering what the fuck. I know what I would do, I'd push my buddy to the ground and run, fuck that. I'd probably break his leg so he couldn't escape. He'd understand.

Group Therapy

I'm left my support group today. After all this time with them and the people that we see there one day and disappear the next makes me feel I need a break from it all. We were all strangers when we entered the room, but at the end of the day we all became friends. Some of us were just passing by and we never knew if they "did it" or not because they kept silent and just listened. We never forced people to talk about it, we didn't even ask. They didn't have to say anything until they were ready to.

It's hard to get attached to people that at one point felt like offing themselves and at some point they might have a relapse and go over the edge. I remember getting close to someone and that person having a relapse and actually going through with it. I was shocked and a little angry and I don't wanna to go through that again. I feel as if I can no longer be a part of it and everybody involved with it. I didn't want to hear the news that John Smith went ahead and slit his wrist or overdosing. I've heard too many stories of failed attempts and the members coming back to describe what drove them over the edge.

It was a hard decision that I've been thinking about for awhile and I went ahead and announced it yesterday to the group. They were all really supportive of my decision and wished me the best. Now I have to go with what I learned and stay strong and support myself. It was hard letting go but I knew I had to forget them.

*update*

Well I'm in contact with 2 of the members. My mentor I still will talk to occasionally, and my protege I feel I have stay in contact with him until he feels he's ready.

Pick Her Up

I got three things on my mind: you, me, naked.

Penis Monologues #5

Dear Editor:

My Mom Caught Me Masturbating

Nothing can be more embarrassing then having your mom catch you masturbating when you're a teenager. I remember it like it was yesterday. I got the new issue of Playboy from a friend at school and I couldn't wait to get home.

It was time, and I was home. My dad was at work and my mom was at my little brother's soccer practice so I would have the house to myself. So I whipped it out and massaged the weasel. It was great, and at the time of the point of no return, my mom opened my door. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. As it was coming out, my mom and I were just staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. When I realized what the fuck was going on, I covered myself and my freaking mom sat beside me and gave me the sex talk. Out of all the times to have this conversation! I was half naked with a playboy in one hand and my dick in the other and my mom giving me the sex talk. Then when she was done, she walked out the room and closed the door. I didn't know what to say or do. I wanted to run away.

I knew dinner would be awkward. My dad asked me how my day was. I looked at mom at through the corner of my eye just to not make direct contact and said "OK". Eventually as the months went on, I was able to look my mother in her eyes again. We never mentioned again.

It took me awhile to get the nerve to masturbate. My mom would always knock on my door before she entered my room and asked if I was decent as she slowly opened the door and knocked.

Yeah!

I dug up my nose, so what ya gonna do about it!?

I found some old shampoo in my bathroom that expired. Why should I throw it out? At one point it was of some use, and I was out of shampoo and I already wet my hair so I didn't want to stop. It smelled ok but felt weird in my hands. Since I wasn't eating it how much damage can it do on my head? So I tried it and it got in my eyes and burned like hell. I'll wake in the morning with all my hair out and blood coming out of my eyes. That'll be a lesson learned.

I have some expired medicine. I'm sure it's bad for you. I guess I should throw it out. It's like I have a death factory in my home. I'll o.d. on expired medicine and shampoo.

House of Kink

I'm thinking of upgrading my girl thats a friend to my girlfriend. But once I label her that I'll end up breaking up with her. Since I've been a little on the down side she decided to give me a special night. I don't know what she has planned but I have my hopes! I guess depression has its perks.

Good State Of Mind

I had a thought today. I'm thinking that I won't be truly happy until I get a "Good State of Mind". I was thinking about the things in my life that I could improve and all the things that I really wanted happened. And if all those things do happen I wondered if I wouldn't be depressed anymore. I thought of it, and nothing would change. I would have everything in my life that I wanted and still be depressed. I'd have to be mentally happy to become physically happy. That is the one thing I don't know how to fix.

Placebo

Happiness is the placebo we give ourselves to hide from the depression that we all really have.

Make it a Blockbuster Night.

Silence

You can insult a person with a million words, but telling them nothing hurts the most.

78 Cents

I have 78 cents to my name to last me until next Friday. Just checked my account today. Seems like I had a lot more money coming out of my account than I thought. Gas prices are killer. Most of my money was going to that. At least I still have some can vegetables and ramen noodles last time I was broke. I'm not the type of person to ask for money. I'd rather struggle. Guess it's my pride. That quarter I found is like a million bucks now. Or I could just use my credit card but I just paid that off. Let's see how it turns out. I'm going to cut corners and see how much I can save. I give myself until tomorrow until I break down and end up using my credit card.

Penis Monologues #4

Dear Editor:

I Have A Small Penis

As a teenager I assumed that my penis would get bigger as I got older and that I just haven't hit my growth spurt aka big dick yet. Now I'm in my twenties and my penis is the same size. Less than an inch unaroused and about an inch and a quarter aroused.

Sex wasn't pleasant. I always did it with the lights off. It didn't really hit me until one girl I was having sex with asked me to quit the foreplay and fuck her. I didn't want to tell her that I was fucking her for the past 10 minutes and she didn't even feel it. I told her I wasn't in the mood and left the room.

Now when I have sex, I attach strap-on dildo to do it. It still hurts me to write that. I cry everytime I have sex because my penis is too small and I need this "enhancement". I'm afraid that the girl I'm dating will see me wearing a strap-on and call me a freak.

Just like girls are paranoid about small breast, guys are just as embarrassed about their penis size. I am a freak. Maybe when I'm 40 my penis will finally get bigger. Here's hoping.

The Pigs Are Involved

And it has nothing to do with me! For those who have been reading my blog for awhile know about my brother and his earth power hairy ex girlfriend. Of course I knew the relationship would never last but I sat back and waited for it to fall apart. Apparently, my brother still has feelings for her while she doesn't. I fucking don't know what he sees in her, but apparently she had to get a restraining order out against him. I guess the bastard doesn't fall far from the tree. He called me tonight and told me the news. He tells me its a miscommunication between them. I told him to use that excuse when the cops pistol whip him. I'm betting that this will end up badly. My brother is not the type to just let go. Unless he hates the girl, then he tries to end it quickly.

I personally have nothing against the girl. I wouldn't call her my best friend but I wouldn't call her an enemy. I haven't spoken to her since the trip.

Post to Earth Girl

If she reads my blog, my advice would be to see if being friends is an option with my brother. For my brother who I'm sure will be reading this post, is to just let her go, and I mean untie her and let her free. Because we both know this is how it will end. Oh and earth girl, when I say hairy legs I mean no disrespect at all. I tell it like I see it, as with my family and friends, you know I kid. Call me.

I don't know the whole story but I know my brother can be a little out there sometimes so I'm sure you felt you had to. My brother has a hard way of showing emotions and sometimes it scares people. My suggestion would be to talk it out, by phone first.

Anybody else who reads the blog, any suggestion would be helpful. I don't wanna make a side trip to prison this Christmas. If things start to get worse then I may have to straighten this out the only way I know how.....with love and compassion and a .48, kidding. But I'm getting better at talking to people now regarding emotions since I'm with my group, so I can be the mediator while you guys talk it out.
--------

And in other BIG NEWS!!!!

I found a quarter. You never find those anymore. It's always pennies and nickels.

Mosquito

Theirs a mosquito in my bedroom. It's been biting me for the past few nights. How much blood does it need? I had to sleep on the couch last night because of a fucking mosquito! I fucking closed my bedroom door and slept on the couch as if it's some kind of wild rabid serial killer animal. Can mosquito's get rabies? haha. It must be hopped on something. It's hard to kill. I can't see it! I tried covering myself in the sheet so it couldn't bite me, but in the middle of the night I became uncovered and that's when it attacks. What is the lifespan of the mosquito? I might get a hotel room for a week until it dies. I have to try and starve it to death. I refuse to be the mosquito's bitch! It never leaves the room. It just lies their waiting to strike. It better hope I never find it. I will severely torture the mosquito. Start sticking needles in it's body and start sucking it dry and see how much it likes that. Or I could drown it in blood by slitting my wrist shouting "HERE BITCH, YOU WANT MY BLOOD, FUCKING DRINK IT! DRINK IT!!!!!" As the mosquito starts drowning in my blood I'll snap back to reality and realize I'm actually pouring my own blood on top of a mosquito to kill it. Wow, I'm now snapping back to reality and realizing I wrote an entire post on torturing a mosquito. It's days are numbered. All it takes is one smack and it's dead. Tonight is the night. I'm wearing wool socks, jeans and a long sleave shirt to bed tonight. Call me paranoid, but I refuse to lose this battle.

Penis Monologues #3

Dear Editor:

I Have Testicular Cancer.

I remember when I was in my P.E. class and the teacher separated the girls and the boys in 2 different classes. She was a female teacher so she took the girls and she put in a movie for us and left the room. A son and his father were talking about touching their balls. I didn't know what to make of the situation. I came to realize it was a video about checking your nuts for cancer.

Years down the line, I check my balls everytime I take a shower. One day I checked and found one of them slightly abnormal. I had my girlfriend check it out to see if she see's anything weird and she said she did. My heart felt like it stopped. My girlfriend was talking to me asking me if I was ok when I snapped back to reality. I had to go get it confirmed at the doctor.

The night before the doctor's visit was heart wrenching. The day of the visit was even worse. The waiting room was pure hell. The nurse called me in and told me the doctor will be in shortly. It felt like an eternity. The doctor finally came in and gave a little small talk. I asked him to cut the shit and get to the examination. He asked me to undress and put on this thing. He did his test and left the room and told me he'll be back in few minutes.

The room felt so cold. I looked around me and felt so empty inside. The doctor came back and told me he has the results of my test. He said that I have Testicular Cancer. Emotions filled me. I started shaking in fear. He put his hand on my shoulder and said that it's ok, BECAUSE ITS APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!

My girlfriend and doctor set this whole thing up! I whispered to myself mummering looking at them both back and forth saying that it's November 29th. As the tears started coming down I asked them if it is true, is it true that I don't have cancer? The laughter stopped. My girlfriend said that it started out as a joke but the test was actually correct, you do have cancer. Anger filled me. My girlfriend told me to look on the bright side. I cut her off and shouted, "WHAT BRIGHT SIDE! I HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER!" She said that if it wasn't for the prank then you've never would've known. The doctor then said that the cancer can be removed safely, but we have to remove one of them. I replied with a loud "what".

I couldn't live life with one ball! He said that he can put a fake one in to replace it. Like that shit would make me feel better. Might as well just take them both and just leave me with a dick. I felt like I was Mr. Potato Head's private parts.

I eventually broke down and decided to have the surgery. It was successful. I'm happier nowadays. I broke up with my girlfriend and blew up her car. In my mind, it felt like the fair thing to do. Here's hoping her lawsuit will be thrown out. The doctor lost his license. I'm dating his daughter now. I sent him a gift in the mail for helping me out. It seems that he didn't like he sex tape I made of his daughter and I that I sent him. Oh well, life sucks doesn't it!

Comment from the Editor:

Testicular Cancer is a bad thing, at least so I read on Wikipedia. So if righty and lefty feel a little biggie small, go to a doctor and have him feel your nuts. It might save your life.

Keep strong Testicular Cancer survivors, this letter is for you!

I'm In Love!

The Batman movie kicked so much fucking ass! I felt like robbing a bank and setting a building on fire but the banks are closed and I didn't have any matches. I highly recommend the movie. It was better than masturbation!

You know, I think I'm a little too loose on my blog. Maybe tomorrow I'll show my dick. And on that note, I hope you guys have a kick ass weekend, or about 2 hours of it.