FreaKBoy

Writing over and over in this book trying to get a closer understanding of this. I live for you, do you live for me? Why won't you die? Just leave me the fuck alone! I can't live like this!

Constantly writing over and over again......

Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain Is Suicide Is Pain

Constantly writing and muttering over and over again is my life going down. I take one pill to calm me and continue.

One day I'll overdose. Will you be happy then? I know I will. Would you like to see me spitting up my insides for you? Would you like to see me bleed internally for you? I know I will.

I take one more pill to calm me and I continue. It's kicking in now. I can see things more clearly now.

I have a friend who thought he was better off alone. He saw life and new that alcohol was his only way out. He pays a friend $20 for just one beer. "My friend", he says, "I left my world behind, and this life is all I have left. I have experienced outrage and happiness all in the same breath and I can't....."

I had a friend that died by drinking too much. I went to his funeral and never opened my eyes. I would imagine that he would be staring back at me wondering where I was last week when he needed me. I would answer him by saying that I was struggling with my own demons and that I could not save you anymore. I snap back to reality and the funeral is over. I leave and fold that letter of my sad memory of life away for another rainy day.

My head is hurting again. I take a third pill to calm me and I continue. I think it's something worst is wrong with me. Depression has come and gone, death is all that is left for me.

Time keeps moving on, while friends come and gone. I hate you and you hate me. Don't expect things to get better. You are not my sunshine. You are not my light at the end of the tunnel. You are my hell, my enemy, my nightmare and for you are my suicide note. Let my blood infiltrate your wicked soul and haunt you until the day you die.

It's time. I'm home now. I lay on my bed and turn on Drive and chant....

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I am beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

So whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes

Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive?

I fall asleep while the track is on repeat. I wake up hours later soaking wet in sweat and puke. I go in the bathroom to clean up and I see my face. It's as if I aged a 1000 years. I look beaten and torn. I blink again and I'm back to normal. It's as if what I was seeing was my withered soul from ages of abuse.

My head and my stomach are killing me. I eat some bread and drink it down with the fourth pill and a side of liquor. I am officially addicted.

The world in front of me spirals and everything seems so crazy. I think I've taken too much. I see people all around me but nobody lives here. I must be dreaming. I think I see all the people of my past who tried to help me. I have to wake up. I gotta fucking wake up! I start crying to myself wondering what happened to me. I fall to my knees and start shouting "Why!" holding my shaking hands up to the ceiling as if I was waiting for an answer. The pain hurts again, I am not dreaming, this is my life ending. I never expected death to be like this? I expected death to be with my wife and two children holding hands crying over me, not me here with nobody knowing. I have no one to cry to, no place to call home. I must get a grip on this!

I fall to the floor and pass out. Something inside of me is still alive. It's like the only candle lit in the darkest room trying to illuminate it all. I can't die. I'm not ready to die.

I have to wake up. Wake up! Wake up and fucking show me! Wake up and fucking tell me! Wake up and fucking save me! You fucking disappoint me! You fucking loser! Why won't you die!

Pain has always been the answer to my problems but I see it's not the answer anymore. I wake up and see a white all around me. If this is my death then it must be a mistake. I hear voices again but they fade out again, I pass out. I wake up again in a hospital just clinging to life. My head hurts again. I need my pills. Where's my fucking pills! I try to move but I can't! This is my hell! If I can't live life like this, then I'll be better off dead! Doctors and nurses start rushing in to sedate me. They calm me and I continue.

Years later I'm able to finish this story by living. That part of me is a letter of my sad memory of life that I put away for rainy day that I hope never comes again.


the end