FUCK 2007!

What a fucked up year! I came like so close to blowing my fucking brains out by this date, but I'm here. A year ago from this date I was in New York City with my friends and then girlfriend BM without a care in the world. And now, I'm just with my friends. I went through a lot and it was a learning experience, one hell of a learning experience. I set a few resolutions next year. Lay off the drugs, quit drinking (effective Jan 2) and most of all, Be Happy. My mentor told me that. Told me that everytime I feel down, just think about the Bobby Mcferrin song. Now that it's stuck in my head I have a whole new reason to kill myself. But all jokes aside, I hope everybody that reads this blog has a Happy New Year. I sense good things coming my way in the new year. I'm already a little happier. I don't know if I could deal with another meltdown.

But for tonight I will get crunked and fucked up beyond repair. I'm making sure this year I will fucking forget every fucked up emotional thing that happened to me. I am the sick one, so I will make sure it's sick. GOOD FUCKING NIGHT ALL! You know, we all know that I won't be able to stop drinking so I can just mark that right off the list.

Therapy

Hello, my name is Sick Fucking Bastard and I have a problem. I can't stop trying to die.

I found a help group. I've been appointed a suicide counselor. Each newbie gets to have an experienced member to help them out. My suicide counselor has tried to commit suicide only 4 times so I'm in good hands. He was telling me how he tried killing himself by jumping in front of cars to slitting his wrists. He told me that the repeated failed attempts made him realize that he needs to stay alive for something. Everytime I feel like death, I'd give him a call at any time of day to talk or come over. He told me he has his bad days but just thinking about what he always wanted to do keeps him pushing. He was telling me about his life and it's really messed up. His father killed his mother and none of his family wanted him so he was sent to foster homes and did drugs. The last time he felt the urge of death was when his father wrote a letter to him from prison apologizing for not being there for him. He said that it just brought back bad memories. His father sent the letter years ago and he hasn't seen or talked to his father since he was a kid. He has is own personal demons to get over. If I was in his shoes I don't know if I can ever forgive him.

Other than that news, my life on the other hand isn't as bad as his seems to be. I'm in better spirits now, BECAUSE I'M IN THERAPY! I'll come out this stronger, or die trying, sorry suicide humor. My first day was yesterday. With everybody telling their story of what was hurting them so much made me feel pain. It felt really uncomfortable, but emotion came over me and I was able to tell them the things that was hurting me. It felt really good to talk to strangers that are going through the same thing I'm going through. We have the meeting everyday at the same time so I'll try to go to as many as I can.

Wake Up Call

I woke up Saturday morning with BM breaking into my apartment. It seems that I might've given the wrong impression over the past week. Well I guess the impression was justified. I wanted no contact for a reason. Sometimes the main reason for just leaving is to be totally alone, no matter how upset you are. I know it was fucked up but I had to do it. I was going through some things that I didn't think I would come out of. But I'm here, still here. Then BM and my friends decided to have an intervention this morning. They should know by now that interventions don't work with me. I have to go on my own. Leaving is my own self intervention, plus I was going to see some help groups to try and help me out which is something I've never done before so it sounds like it may work. No need to worry about me, I'm fine.

Delayed

I had a week to think about my life and what I want to do with it next. First few days I envisioned how I would kill myself from overdosing on drugs or slitting my wrist and drowning in a tub of cold water. I wrote suicide notes everyday trying to think of something worth living for. Then I came to the point of self evaluation and realization that if I try to commit suicide that I would back out of it at the last moment when it was too late. Regretting all the things I did to bring myself to that point would be too late for me to stop it. So I'm still alive, still suicidal but still alive. Depression is still here it's just that I haven't reached that point of death again. But in life, if death approaches me, I would take it. I'm taking the weekend off from work to get focused again. I clearly see now that I need some serious help because I can't live like this anymore. It's really hard to be depressed every single day and then wake up and feeling even worst than you were before. You just feel like you can't take it anymore, that's why I had to leave. I'm going to find a suicide support group to join next week. I think that talking to other people that feel the same way I do will help me. I have to say that I'm no better now than I was before I left. I guess the only difference is that I came back.

fed up

With the recent event in the news of a kid committing suicide after he says that he feels like his death would be a burden no more for his family and friends kind of reminded me of somebody, myself. You sometimes just feel like not being here will rid you of all your problems. Of course you would say that committing suicide would be a selfish thing to do to your family and friends but you wouldn't know how much hurt a person has inside to feel like taking their own life. Can you imagine it, a person wanting to just kill themselves? That's a big and final conclusion to a life. It's not something somebody acts on a whim. They think long and hard about the decision and the after effects to the people that care about them. The problem with me is that I'm not sad at one thing, I'm sad at everything. I'm unhappy at everything I do. I can't even fake a smile anymore. At sometime you get to the point of your life and wonder what am I doing this for? I'm running out of words to say. I fucking hate my life and everything thats in it. I feel like I can't stand everything. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and unmeet the people that would contribute to my fuck up of a life and never see them again. What's the point of even trying anymore when you know your past was full of fuck ups so why won't the future would be more fuck ups. I'm just one giant fuck up.

Eating the Heart of a Newborn Polar Bear

Wow, you know I remember posting something but I didn't remember what it was. It was the meds talking. Not to sound depressing but if I decided to commit suicide, I wouldn't blog it, at least not right before. By the way things are going, I think my last post would be a big tip off. Something like, "I'm going to fix a big bowl of rice krispies and submerge myself inside it until I numb the pain away or die".

Dazed

In recent days I've been feeling a little out of it. Right now I'm coming down with a bad cold and I'm stuck indoors and depressed. In the past couple of weeks I've had my parents visit me, I had my brother arrested for drugs, I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out that she slept around, I quit my job (but started a new one), and I feel like getting a gun and shooting my fucking brains out. I haven't slept for days, I can't sleep. My mind is running a million miles a second but I'm standing still. So many thoughts are going through my head on how to deal with this situation. Thoughts of not being appreciated, but I'm not going to bitch and moan, don't feel sorry for me. I got myself into it and I'll get myself out of it someday. Do you know what it feels like to be really sleepy but can't fall asleep. Its like my mind is giving me a big FUCK YOU! I feel like I lost my mind. This cold is making me weak. My hands have been shaking since Friday. I've taken so many pills right now but none of them are working. I kind of have to laugh at myself. I was feeling good a few weeks ago. If I don't blog again then know I took a turn for the worst -- the cold -- or actually got some sleep. Keep me in your prayers. Peace.