Sunday, December 09, 2007

fed up

With the recent event in the news of a kid committing suicide after he says that he feels like his death would be a burden no more for his family and friends kind of reminded me of somebody, myself. You sometimes just feel like not being here will rid you of all your problems. Of course you would say that committing suicide would be a selfish thing to do to your family and friends but you wouldn't know how much hurt a person has inside to feel like taking their own life. Can you imagine it, a person wanting to just kill themselves? That's a big and final conclusion to a life. It's not something somebody acts on a whim. They think long and hard about the decision and the after effects to the people that care about them. The problem with me is that I'm not sad at one thing, I'm sad at everything. I'm unhappy at everything I do. I can't even fake a smile anymore. At sometime you get to the point of your life and wonder what am I doing this for? I'm running out of words to say. I fucking hate my life and everything thats in it. I feel like I can't stand everything. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and unmeet the people that would contribute to my fuck up of a life and never see them again. What's the point of even trying anymore when you know your past was full of fuck ups so why won't the future would be more fuck ups. I'm just one giant fuck up.

7 comments:

Kate Michele said...

i know theres nothing i can say to help. i know this. however you can't let your past determine your furture, easy for me to say.. i'm going through trying to free myself from it right now. but i feel its something that one must do. and learn to see that not everything that happened to you was of your own doing entirely.

again i know this is something most just say in passing and never really mean it but what im about to say i mean: if you ever need to talk i'm here.

Beyond Me said...

You'd be surprised how many people would miss you if you go away. I know that I would be devastated if I never see you again. You think nobody loves you but you should know that we all have buckets of love for you. I love you, we all love you and we do miss the old you, come back, please.

Beyond Me said...

contact somebody!

Kate Michele said...

Can you hear my prayers? They're for you. Now tell me nowhere cares for you.

Bettina said...

I love what Beyond Me said- you would be suprised at how many people would miss you. I don't even know you and I would miss you if you left.

When you expect your life to be a giant fuck up and keep on saying it to yourself, it is a lot more likely to actually turn out like that. I know this might sound like a harsh thing to say, but I think a lot of our pain is self-chosen. Pain and sorrow are often a key to unlock our understanding- you have to stand it and go through it and you will come out wiser and calmer.

We all have our battles and our struggles and we all think that other people seem to deal with their problems so much better, but we all feel lonely sometimes, sad, angry, like failures. That's normal.

I think you refuse to acknowledge that you are important to a lot of people and that you have talent in many ares. Don't let yourself get sucked down into the spiral of misery. It is easy to let yourself get seduced by it. But you, and only you can make the decision to be happy.

greg said...

I couldn't have said it any better myself bettina.

We all have these feelings in mind, it's just how we get over it that makes us stronger. You were able to get over this before so I know for a fact that you will come out of this better than before.

ysfb said...

Well you're half right Greg about coming out of this