Delayed

I had a week to think about my life and what I want to do with it next. First few days I envisioned how I would kill myself from overdosing on drugs or slitting my wrist and drowning in a tub of cold water. I wrote suicide notes everyday trying to think of something worth living for. Then I came to the point of self evaluation and realization that if I try to commit suicide that I would back out of it at the last moment when it was too late. Regretting all the things I did to bring myself to that point would be too late for me to stop it. So I'm still alive, still suicidal but still alive. Depression is still here it's just that I haven't reached that point of death again. But in life, if death approaches me, I would take it. I'm taking the weekend off from work to get focused again. I clearly see now that I need some serious help because I can't live like this anymore. It's really hard to be depressed every single day and then wake up and feeling even worst than you were before. You just feel like you can't take it anymore, that's why I had to leave. I'm going to find a suicide support group to join next week. I think that talking to other people that feel the same way I do will help me. I have to say that I'm no better now than I was before I left. I guess the only difference is that I came back.