Bin Gehaßt zu werden Ich? / Am I To Be Hated?

This post is something I've been thinking about for awhile. My mind is racing at like a million miles per hour. I don't know exactly what to say but when I finish I know it won't be pretty. When I start I know it will all come clear to me. When it is finish, the people that usually read my blog might be disturbed ab0ut me and my ideas. Well here it goes.....

Born in 1889 and died in 1945. A powerful and ambitious man came to me. Adolph Hitler is a hated man but how can you hate him. He grew up with small beginnings and grew into one of the most powerful people in the world. That's fucking crazy! Taking over countries and starting a movement that is still active today. I admire Hitler but hate his ways. The way he acted was cold and calculating. If I was around back then I would be hooked to the radio wondering what he was doing while other kids watch Superman and Spiderman tv shows. If he was still alive I would like to meet him and speak to him and wonder what he was thinking. I pretty sure most people would want to kill him a million times over but how can you? You would probably do the same fucking thing. Think about it, what would you do if you took over a nation and started trying to take over the world?

I hate racism and any byass comments to others. But yet I feel as if I'm losing my mind here. I am not racist, hey my best friends are jewish and black and white. They know that something has been up with me lately. I'll let them read this when I'm finish and comment on it.

Hitler was such a tyrant! and an evil mother fucking prick that got what he had coming. He was power hungry and that was his downfall. Just watched the movie Downfall, pretty fucking awesome movie.

When I was a kid my neighborhood was really racist. We had a black family move in next to us. The people in the neighborhood didn't like it. I would always here nigger, nigger, nigger, fucking niggers all the time. My parents were not racist and taught me that people are always people no matter what they look like. But hate is something hard to hide. I got into a fight with this black kid and he punched me in the nose breaking it. I was so fucking pissed I just shouted I'll hang your nigga ass black boy! To this day, I still remember that and wish I could take it back. As we grew older I apologized and we became friends and still hang out whenever we are in town.

Racism is something nobody in this world can hide from. You see it in movies, you see it in your own fucking neighborhood. You see Mrs. Bennett holding her purse close to her when she sees some "hoodlums" come near. You act differently when you around people that are the opposite race. I forced myself to treat people as if their was no color. My brother is racist. If he hasn't eaten in days he would rather eat food from a white bum then eat off of Oprah's plate. It's fucking ridiculous. That's the only problem my brother and I fight about all the time. We even broken noses over fights like those. Only time will tell though. I feel like calling him now and calling him a fucking retard for being so fucking racist.

All my thoughts of suicide and death are not really something I always laughed at. Sometimes I really do feel like killing myself. So when I write something really serious then it might be one of my really down days. I feel like life is worth nothing now to me. What is the point of trying to be happy when you will feel upset later or eventually. Today I don't feel like killing myself but I feel pretty pissed. Why is it that when somebody has a bad day they have to be pissed off at you which will make you mad and pissed off at everybody else you meet starting a whole new FUCKING CYCLE! Sometimes I wish that one day I could just say fuck you. Fuck you and I hope you fucking rot in hell you smelly whore bitch. It's reasons like that people go fucking crazy.

My uncle committed suicide when I was 14. That probably caused this whole fucked up thing in my head. Out of all the people at the funeral I probably took the pain a lot less than everybody else. I guess I just kept the pain inside and it just gathered up to this. I read his note and looked at all his stuff. I start remembering it and I laugh because his life ended around my age now. After his death I started changing. I became really dark. I became a "goth guy". What the fuck was I thinking. Glad that was a short them phase. But during that time was bascially the time when most of my suicidal thoughts came to me. I started hanging with the wrong crowd and doing a lot of bad stuff. If I stayed in that situation, I would most likely end up dead.

Wow, reading this back sounds crazy. I'm not really a crazy person. It's just me venting at all this bullshit around me. If I wrote this maybe 3 years ago, I might have been pretty detailed and graphic with these stories of mine. I'm really a nice guy, "a people person!" honest.

I wrote this weeks ago and now I'm deciding on posting it. If you feel unhappy about my post then don't be surprised. It's me, so deal with it.