2012

The 2nd half of 2012 is when my life will be back on track. I just have to keep that date in mind and everything will be ok or fucked, one or the other.

FUCK!

I made it another year. What a year. With alcohol poisioning, my ex getting married, my other ex getting knocked up and me almost being a dad, oh and the depression. I decided to post something before I'm too drunk to blog clearly.

So here's to another year. Why make a resolution that im going to break the same day. Im waiting for my ride. I'm the dd on the way but when we return I don't know. I'm drooling at the thought of drinking. And people say I have a problem. And I say fuck them. My rides here, happy new years!

Tis The Season

Everybody have a happly holidays, in my pants.

No really, Merry Christmas. I'll make a post w/o a rant.

Short Term Freedom

Life is short, enjoying it while it lasts.

Brittany Murphy

R.I.P.

Happy Unthanksgiving!

This will be the first year I'm not spending the holiday with my family. I can't deal with the drama anymore. Me and my friends are going over to another friends house who has a cool pad so we can chill and be drunk. No meds today.

I'm celebrating the food but not the reasons the holiday was based on. If we can kill native americans on purpose and accident isn't worth celebrating. I can go on forever, but I've complaining for years so you can catch my rant every year on this date on my blog.

It's Been Awhile

I keep meaning to come write something. Today is no better than any other day so I decided to give an update.

As for my relationship status, I'm still dating the older woman. She told me she's divorced so I'm kind of knowing how she is feeling now. My mind isn't focused to look elsewhere so we're still together in a way.

As for my depression, still here. I'm off the bottle. Well off the bottle continuously. I'm taking alot of meds. A way to kind of numb the pain away. These meds kind brings out my mood swings more severe than before. When I take them I'm ok. As it starts going away I become more irrational. So these up and downs kind of keep me busy. I'm starting counseling, again. I want to be somewhat normal for the holidays and not be too doped up. Ten years from now I see myself in a psych ward.

I think I'm losing my sense of humor. Hopefully when I'm off the meds I can laugh at something. When is their something funny happening to somebody else when you need it?

Well, I'm out. I'll find a way to keep you guys more updated more often. Thanks for your support, goodbye.

yeah

It's Laundry Day

It's been awhile since I last talked. Life has been kinda chaotic for the past few weeks. I broke up with my girlfriend. It was a number of things thats been going on but I just had to end it before I go crazy. Dropping my toothbrush in the toilet was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll blog later all the shit that when on to end it. After all of this, I feel much better. And Im already in another relationship. I wasn't planning on it, it just happened. Guess how old she is.......she's 44. I accidentally bumped into her and she dropped a book that I read awhile back that I liked so we kinda clicked. I never dated an older woman before. She's recently divorced and has 2 kids. Normally I would've just walked away and forget we ever met, but I think we may have something here. We'll see. I might have to babysit her kids. She avoids telling me their ages so I think they may be close to my age, awkward. If she starts buying me the same clothes that she gets for her kids then we're gonna have to talk.

I've relapsed a few times already. I quit the meetings. I can't stop drinking. The meeting allowed me to limit my drinking enough for me to know when too much is "too much". So Im an occasional drinker. I can say that I haven't been drunk in a long time or can't remember because I was too drunk. I don't get the logic of not drinking all together when you can just drink in moderation. And that's why a year later I'll have to have my stomach pumped from all the alcohol.

Today's laundry day for me. I'm out of underwear and I didn't feel like freeballin in my one pair of messed up shorts and I didn't want anything to "pop out". Soooooo I found some spongebob squarepants boxers my friend gave me for my birthday to wear. Makes me feel like a kid again. Guess it's appropriate since Im dating a woman almost old enough to be my mom.

One of the errands today I had to run was washing bird shit off my car. Its like a pterodactyl took a dump on my car. Kinda like a fly by shitting. The shit looked like the bird ate a baby elephant. I can go on forever with these jokes.

Other big news going on in my life that has nothing to do with me is my ex got engaged and Im not upset. Im happy for her. True, it easily could've been me. I blame my ups and downs. If I couldn't handle it, how could she? Oh well, I wish her the best of luck. Geez that last sentence was so unbelievable and lame.

I'll blog later today to see how everybody is doing. For me, today is a good day, talk later.

Sad Day

Marilyn Manson did a song with Lady Gaga. I now have officially lost all hope in goth.

Hangovers Are Still A Bitch

I got drunk on my birthday on Friday. I did it to celebrate not drinking. Being that it was my birthday the temptation was everywhere. The hangover sucked though. The alcohol was like a one night stand ex that you woke up next to that morning regretting what you just did. But it was worth it. Now I'm alcohol free. I'll confess the drinking at my meeting. I don't feel the urge to drink now. Anyway the puking made me lose the taste for a lot of things right now. I just kept telling myself just one drink, and then just one more drink, and here I am. Oh well, I lasted longer than I expected. No more big events this year that may tempt to drink until New Years. By then I think I'll be fully recovered.

Theirs Only 2 Days Left!!!!!!!

Another birthyear for the bastard that he's still on this earth. Here's to another shittastic year!

Its J4

Is it ok to drink while you're a recovering alcoholic if you drink in moderation? I can't have fun tonight seeing everybody drinking except me. Everybody picked me to be the designated driver. I never thought I'd see the day that I would be the dd? What hell am I in? I'll put roofies in all their drinks and see how much fun they'll have tomorrow. But I'm not mad. This will be the ultimate test. So far this withdrawal is not as bad. I lost the urge to kill myself, it just moved to my friends. And all this money saved is practically making me a millionaire. You never know how much of an alcoholic you are until you realize how much money you save. Well gotta go and be sober free!

Just Wondering

Me and my friends are thinking. Michael Jackson was I think $400 million in debt, faked his death to escape is creditors. I'm sure he could afford the secrecy all the way down to the hospital. Just wondering, still can't believe it.

In other news, I'll get to updating whats going on later.

Wow

This is one of those "Where were you" moments. I was at work. I got a text message and I ignored it. Then everybody started calling me. Its just some people you expect to live forever. June 25, 2009 will be a day we will all remember. Still, wow. I can't believe it. I wasn't the biggest Michael Jackson fan, but you have to respect all that he did over the years. I give him much respect. Rest in peace Michael Jackson.

don't know what you got til its gone

feeling down and out and I really need a drink. it hurts so bad to be sober and depressed. thats what i needed to forget the bad thoughts. im tired of being a failure. a worthless waste of space. is this what life is supposed to be like? pain and suffering. i watched the bridge today. i seem to watch that on my bad days. the guy you see from beginning to the end is instilled in my mind. it was like he was just contemplating if he should do it or not. pacing back and forth. if you seen the movie then you know what he decided to do. i have to say, i have no will power. i bought some alcohol last week and one of my friends must've taken it, the bastard. i bought the liquor but decided not to sip it. so it just stood in my fridge cold and lonely and waiting for some companionship. whoever took my alcohol, fuck you, and thank you for taking it. you owe me $15 bucks.

days are cloudy and turbulent weeks are ahead. im out.

Why?

I met an old friend a few days ago that I haven't seen since she dropped out of high school. Yeah, cream of the crop. She was a butterface back then, but NOW, WOW! She's sooooo freakin' hot now and with a GED! As soon as I saw her I wanted to bang......um see her. We talked and exchanged numbers. But Im in a relationship, still, with the same girl I've been dating for awhile.

Last night I told my girlfriend that I have feelings for another girl because I like to keep her in the loop of things, and because she found her phone number in my pocket so I had to tell her anyways. Jeez, is it so wrong to have another girls phone number without jumping to conclusions? I haven't seen her in awhile and I wanna catch up. Why should I have to explain every single thing I do?

She wants to go with me to meet her on Friday. I'll be glad to take her with me, in theory. She's probably going to do something to fuck it up. Or it may turn out pretty good. Or maybe she'll turn bisexual and I'll be in a threesome. Or maybe I'll just smoke some pot. So if she wants to cause a scene, Im gonna make it worth it. I can be all sorts of crazy. Life was so much better when I was drunk and couldn't remember it.

Happy D-Day JB

R.I.P.

Haunting in death as in you were in life.

Kicking & Screaming

It's official, I'm an alcoholic. I had a little too much alcohol one night last month and sort of passed out in a bad way and ended up going to the hospital. Apparently I had a mix of pills and alcohol in my system and it didn't react well. When my parents found out what happened, they weren't too happy and immediately came here. They were floored when they heard I had to get my stomach pumped. They didn't know it was that bad, hell, I never new it was that bad. When I finally got out of the hospital, my family was waiting for me and took me back to my apartment. All my friends were waiting at my door. I knew what was next. After denying I have a problem and cursing from everybody, I eventually gave in. But I knew at some point somebody was going to step in. My mom had a look in her eyes that I haven't seen in a long time so I knew this was hurting her.

So now I'm in a support group, yet again. So far, I'm about 4 weeks sober, woo hoo! And it's fucking hell. Quitting alcohol is a cold hard bitch. It's a lot harder than it looks. I have the shakes. The first day of AA was hard, but I did admit I have a problem, so we'll see how it goes. Almost ready for step 2!

I think I'm on the right track now, finally. But it's barely been a few weeks so I hope I stay focused. My friday nights have really sucked since I started AA. What else is their in life without alcohol. It's like I need something to hold in my right hand to compensate for it. What can my right hand hold to relieve the stress of everyday life? I guess I have to pace back and forth on this.

But in all seriousness, my meds are a work in progress. I'm learning to focus my anger and depression away from the meds and the alcohol into something more productive and less dangerous, so I picked up boxing. Kind of like a natural medicine. A person I met at AA told me that's what he does when he gets the urge. So far it's a great way to vent. I have another thing to vent about. Some of my friends told my parents how bad some of my days have been which really pissed me off, at first. I kind of distanced myself from some of them for now until I cool down, but I know they did it to help me. So I'm not mad at them personally, just how it happened, which they know that and they understand. I'm just not ready to forget.

Geez, I gotta leave on a good note. I'll get back to you on that

Ticket #2

I got a speeding ticket today. Just add it to the other ticket I have to fight in court. Maybe they'll give me a deal now. Get 1 ticket, get 1 free. This prepaid legal is starting to get expensive now. But I have to think about how much it would cost me without it. Or I could just stop getting into trouble, or drive faster. But why should I get a ticket for speeding when everybody else is speeding too? I remember one time I was speeding (surprised?)and I just saw a cop around the corner & I saw he had his radar gun pointing right at me so I took the exit and went into a side road. By the time he got to the road, I was gone. Ah, running from the cops, sweeeeeet. But they should really up the speed limit like 20 mph. I cruise @ 80 mph.