.......

I can't sleep. Looking back at my clock it's just after 4 in the morning. I sleep for a few minutes and then wake up and then go back to sleep and wake back up again. You'd be amazed by the thoughts that cross your mind in between half asleep and half awake.

I've been thinking about this for awhile and I was able to focus things a little bit more now that Im awake. So Im writing it all down so I won't forget.

Cause and Effect:

My actions now determine my future. If I knew how my life was going to end up now, I would've changed how I lived my life earlier, but Im stuck now because I know I need to change something but I don't know where to begin. I don't want to come 5 years from now and feel like I should've done this or I should've done that. I have ran every possible scenario in my head on how I should live my future better and I can't find the happy ending. One future I keep going back to is not living much longer. It's like one thing I wished I changed, just one simple small decision I made in the past is causing me so much hell today.

I lost the will to care. Death by my hands is something I don't think about as much thanks to my on again off again meds. I just feel funny mentally lately. Have you ever felt so hopeless and the thought to end it all is just something you lost interest in doing? I guess I lost the will to live and die.

Somedays I feel so weak and just one step away from having a breakdown. It hurts more putting on a front of happiness then just dealing with the depression in public. Im tired of acting happy when Im really not, but then when I just can't keep that happy streak going people start worrying and I don't like to be cared for in that way. It makes me feel more isolated like the lone survivor in the middle of nowhere. I feel like I just want to hit the reset switch and everything will return back to normal, but it's broken.

Note for everybody out there, if you know somebody is depressed, watch them very closely.

It's effecting my work and my social life now. Drinking seems like the only way to get my mind off of it. The worst days are when I drink myself to sleep. Some mornings I wake up shaking for no apparent reason.

I just keep saying to myself that this can't happen forever, can it?

Im glad to get that off my chest, Im going back to sleep now.