What's Up

I felt like I had to update since nothing is going on with my life. Life does still suck. I still wish old people would get off the road or spontaneously combust.

Lately I've been holding back on my blog. Their are some things I want to say but feel that I need to tone it down, but toned down isn't me. So for now on I'm gonna speak it as I see it. Somedays I might be all happy and cool and somedays I might be a total prick because I just don't care anymore, starting with this sentence.....

I picked up smoking purely for the cancer because I just didn't give a fuck about living anymore.

Stuff like that. Somedays I would do things really bad for me just to speed up my death. Don't get freaked out, I'm not like that anymore, most of the time. I quit smoking mainly for financial reasons. I decided to spend my cig money on pot instead, I guess it's a lose/lose situation.

Have you always wondered if you were a mistake. One time in the past, I talked to my parents and my mom said she was going to become a teacher after she had my brother but I came up and she had to stop. So in so many words, I was an accident. So I consider myself a mistake bastard child, how fitting. I didn't want to be born in the first place. My life would've been so much better if I never lived to see it. Then their was my oldest brother that was put up for adoption. Now if I was him I would've killed myself years ago because I would've considered myself not good enough in my parent's eyes. It's shit like that that gets to me. I keep thinking about the worst possible situation and find all the bad angles out of all of it. Then later on I would laugh at how I was thinking about it and then I would think negative about it like maybe I was right thinking about it. I really think I'm going mental.

Normally I would delete depressing shit like that. The millions of fucked up shit that I deleted just to keep this blog happy would shock you. The stuff that I write is the "PG" version of my life.

I know my parents didn't plan on having me, I gave them hell when I was a kid to make that decision even more certain. But I know they wouldn't regret it and are glad that I am here.

You know the funny thing about this post is that it was supposed to be funny. Guess I fucked up somewhere on line 2. Hate just came out of me. But the weird thing is that I'm happy yet really depressed. My friends now know when I'm depressed. I just start drifting out and look at something weird for a long time. I guess I'm just thinking about doing stuff. Well, goodnight.