My Favorite Suicide

Thinking back on the days of my life and seeing nothing but pure evil and hell. I go shopping for razor blades and dream of a happier time. I no longer fear the dark angel that has been haunting my dreams. I see her as my reward for a job badly done. I didn't mean to live, honest! Drugs and needles seem to be the only answer. Whichever way brings it to an end the fastest.

Just one day I wish I wouldn't wake up. Just one day I wish someone will shoot me. Just one day I wish this nightmare called life would crumble. I want you to kill me. Drug me, hurt me, take it all away.

Walking in circles trying to comprehend existence. I dream that life is over. As I practice cutting my wrists over the rusty sink in the dark room, I have a flashback. It's a flashback of a past that I wished I had. It's bright and happy, but as I come back to reality, the room is dark and sad. Blood gushes into the sink as I drop the blades.

Over the time of attempted suicides, I learned how to recover myself. I bandage myself up and go to bed hoping that this is the night.

It's a sunny day today. I feel happier on cloudy days. The way the sun tries to break free of overcast skies reminds me of my sanity. I want my death to be slow and painless. I want to see my life fade away in front of me.

Listening to "Hurt" -- The Nine Inch Nails version puts me in the mood. "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real...".

I look in the broken mirror and see myself scarred and rugged. I broke the mirror a few months earlier when I bashed my head on it. Does anybody care? Is anybody listening? No more! Do you see me? Can you help me? No more!

All these years knowing my friends are strangers and my parents are failures. I know what must be done to myself. Finding the gun hidden underneath "linens and things" when I was younger, I know that is the answer.

As I stick the gun in my mouth I realize...

...Suicide is not the answer. The joy of pain gives me more pleasure.