Unhappy Birthday

My birthday is today. My friends are throwing a "surprise party" for me sometime today. They seem to throw some kind of surprise party every year so it's no surprise. I'm hoping one of these special ladies shows up at my party. (please #2!)




The more I think about growing older and wondering why I should be so happy. It's 12:35 in the morning and I feel like going for a drive. I might just skip the whole party and come back dead or alive.

Penis Monologues #1

Dear Editor:

Viagra, Tell Me What It Means To Me.

Seeing the commercials and seeing the happy couples, I felt that it was the one hope of saving my marriage. You see, my marriage is all I have left. Without my family, I just have nothing. I wanted to keep it a secret from my wife so that the added enhancement would be a surprise and the match to ignite the spark in my marriage once again.

So I got my first bottle of Viagra. I just had one small problem, I have a really dry throat so I have a hard time swallowing. So what worked best for me was to crush it up and mix it with some water and drink it. The first night was spectacular. As time went on, I felt that I needed that extra jump. Let me first say is that I'm not a drug user, but my friend told me how he would enhance his sexual experience. He would crush the pills into powder form and sniff it directly through his nose. I shrugged it off and laughed because I couldn't believe it. I asked him if it really works and he said it works even better. So I tried it once. The effects were immediate and you wouldn't have to wait to take it effect verses taking it orally. It not only messes with your mind, it improves your performance. I was the man my wife saw when we were in high school. So much power in me, I felt renewed!

As time went on, I started sniffing the Viagra powder more often then I liked to. It went from just doing it for sex into just doing it just to do it. I became addicted to snorting Viagra. It became noticeable with the nose bleeds and the constant rubbing of my nose. My job and worst of all, my marriage started to fall apart. It felt like I was worst off now than before I started taking it. But I was addicted, knowing that everything is falling apart in front of my eyes, I still continued to battle the motivation of continuing Viagra. I realized I hit rock bottom when I started to freebase Viagra off my 6 year olds' Easy Bake Oven.

But years later, I'm fully rehabilitated. My marriage is in a place I like. My sex is life is better now. If I take Viagra with food and swallowing it with it then I don't have to worry about the difficulty swallowing it whole.

The 1st Of Many 1's

Some people say my blog is classless and insulting. So to act more mature on my blog I'm going to do something I've never done before. I will post once a week about the penis and call it the PENIS MONOLOGUES (echos in the background) . It will also include the trial and tribulations of drugs to induce a more positive sexual experience.

The posts will be short and brief (no pun intended)or somtimes long. They'll make you laugh and they will make you cry. But most of all, they will make you a better person.

July 4

I fucking laugh. How are we better now than we were back when we declared our independence? You know how I'm going to celebrate July 4? I'm gonna spend it getting wasted. What should we celebrate? Can we afford it? I just heard in the news recently that a woman was selling sex for gas. Truely hilarious, but sad. Should we be happy? Did George Washington or Virginia Dare see this in the past?

So what makes today different from any other day for me? Not a damn thing. I might light one extra firecracker on my ass to celebrate.

I hope everybody has a great July 4th. You know how I get around special holidays, I get all warm and cuddly.

Late Night Post

Waking up in the middle of the night and thinking to myself if the universe is one dandruff flake on a homeless guy living in another world who never washes his hair? I'm speaking from a sober state of mind. We could be living in a filthy existence and not even know it. Totally freaky isn't it?

The Challenge

If I could recite the alphabet backwards without messing up then I could drink all I want without paying for a year. And if I fail then I'll have to pay for everybody's first drink. As you can tell by the first pictures I took if I won or lost.

They thought I would have that memorized by now out of fear of being pulled over. I do have it memorized backwards but the problem is remembering when you're drunk. I even know the penny trick. Everybody felt sorry for me so they decided to give me a break and pay for my drinks. I wish they would've told me earlier, I would've drunk more. I didn't even get to the point of throwing up drunk. I'm so disappointed in myself. But I got laid, so why complain.

4 1/2 Hours To Burn

I have nothing to post. My life has been pretty boring since the golden shower incident.

..........

I'm just going to leave this up and come back every once in awhile and post something.

..........

Their are more productive things I can do with this time.

..........

I could like do charity work

.........

What charity work could I do for 4 and half hours?

..........

I could help the old or work with the vets.

..........

Funny thing about the vets. When I was a kid I heard that the vets went to war before I was born. I wondered why would veterinarians go to war.

..........

Maybe I can eat a snack

..........

What can I eat?

..........

I would like to eat the really expensive burger that was on the news in London or something.

..........

Where would I get the money to buy it?

..........

I could rob a bank.

..........

How can I rob the bank? The mask and gun are so cliche. I need to be unique.

..........

48 minutes later

..........

I got it! I could dress like a Vietnam Vet. Nobody would think that a vet would rob a bank. It's not like they hate the world and want to take it out on something.

..........

I really wouldn't need a lot of money. They'd immediately give me all their money. I'd just tell them that all I need is $300 for a cheeseburger.

..........

You know, I'm thinking this plan wouldn't work. Once I rob the bank it's going to take forever for them to deliver the cheeseburger.

..........

How long does it take for a cheeseburger to be sent overseas? I hope it's stays fresh.

..........

Maybe I can just settle for some popcorn.

..........

No, I can't. If I get popcorn, then I'll be thirsty.

..........

Maybe I'll just get the drink.

..........

But what to drink? I don't want to drink alcohol and spoil the buzz I'll be having later.

..........

Maybe some orange juice. Pour some vodka in it. No, no vodka.

..........

I'll just wait. I have a little more than 2 hours left.

..........

Looks awfully cloudy outside today. Looks like it's going to rain. Good thing I didn't do any charity work today. It's like mowing the lawn when I was younger for some extra cash. It made me feel like I was helping the old and decrepit.

..........

You know what I hate. I hate lawnmowers. I hate it when I'm trying to suffer through my hangover and some asshole is mowing the lawn at 7 in the morning over the same fucking spot over and OVER AGAIN! How many times must you mow over that SAME FUCKING SPOT!!!!!

..........

Oh look, I think the rain is ending.

..........

Why can't they mow the lawn in the middle of the night when I'm getting drunk. Attach a flashlight to both your arms and as you turn the wheel, the light follows.

..........

5,4,3,2,1. It's finally here! IT'S FINALLY HERE! It's been 4 1/2 hours! That's how I will react in an hour.

..........

Have you ever been so drunk that you can't feel your extremities. It's like frostbite but you're not cold, you're just drunk off your ass. Well it's time to get ready. I'll be back in a few.

..........

My time is up and the chances of me getting drunk are 1 to 0. So to all, have a goodnight, and drink responsibly. Their has to be at least one responsible person out there.

Forgetting

As a kid growing up, I had a lot of nightmares that I eventually grew out of. Now sometimes the dreams I have can be a little worse. Sometimes it takes a dream to make you remember things you try to forget. Had a dream last night that snapped me back to reality. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day and now it's just bringing me down. No matter how hard you try to be happy about your life, something always makes you remember the past. I won't even describe the dream because it wouldn't make any sense when put into words. I'm all out of things to say. I took a twenty minute pause of reflection. No need to continue. bye.

She Was Kidding

And a bought a 12 pack of water for nothing.

Funny how that conversation came up.

So what's everybody doing this weekend? I'm going to get extra drunk this weekend. I call it a "Die From Alcohol Poisoning Weekend". I'm going to drink until I can't feel my face. I'm going to get so wasted that I'll marry my right hand for those lonely nights it kept me company. I still don't have a drinking problem. Normally I would do it every night but I just, you know, it's no need to explain it. I'm a substance user not a substance abuser. If I know I have a problem then that means I've accepted it which I have. I believe cutting off both my hands would cure me, or being resuscitated by the paramedics 7 nights in a row. They would give up on the 8th time and leave me for dead. Yeah, that would teach me a lesson.

Well goodbye.

Golden Shower

What do you say to a girl that tells you she wants you to give her a golden shower?

a.) Drink some water
b.) Tell her no
c.) Ask if she wants dirty sanchez afterwards

My friend that is a girl wants our relationship to go to the next level. In most cases, my girlfriends just ask for sex when they want to go to the next level, not the whole "piss on me" thing. I don't even consider her a girlfriend.

I don't know, I don't think I'm the mood for freakiness this summer. Then again, I don't know if she was kidding. I don't want to offend her by pissing on her or not pissing on her. I think I'm getting mixed signals, one helluva mixed signal! I really don't want to give her a golden shower because I feel that it's wrong and degrading to women, plus she's probably been pissed on all her life and I don't wanna kiss that. Can I ever find a normal person! Maybe I'm the crazy person that attracts crazier people.

Well, I'll keep you guys updated. So for the forecast calls for clear skies tonight but tomorrow we may have some showers.

As for Father's Day, my mom didn't want me to take him to get a lapdance especially on Sunday. Other than that, his day rocked. Sometimes you need that motherly advice to put you in the right direction, but I think this advice mom shouldn't know about. Once I ask her if I should give a girl a golden shower or not, she'll probably want to know what a golden shower is, then I would have to disconnect the call.

Happy Paraskavedekatriaphobia Day

I love days that scare people!


We're having a Slasher Fridays night tonight. We're watching The Happening. My friends think it's inappropriate for me to watch that movie. Just because I'm in suicide therapy doesn't mean that watching a movie about people killing themselves is going to hurt me. It wouldn't make it better, but what the hell. If I do kill myself after watching the movie, I'd blame my friends for making me watch it so they'll be haunted by it. How dare they make a suicidal person watch this! I own the movie The Bridge, and you don't see me jumping off any bridges. Uh, sidenote, if I do write a post about going to California for a trip, please stop me. I never plan on going to California for fun. I'm imagining taking a trip a meeting new people along the way on my journey to California and then ending it all. I'd better stop thinking about it now.


Tit's also going to be Father's Day this weekend so I can't get too plastered tonight since I have to drive back home to visit my dad tomorrow. My parents don't want another "incident" on their hands. I still don't know what to get him. I'm an impulse late buyer. You'll see me shopping for Christmas presents Christmas morning, well maybe Christmas afternoon once I wake up.

Happy Father's Day to all you dads and deadbeat dads, some of us are still waiting for that court ordered child support.

Dream Job

When I was a younger, I had a big dream. After years and years of practicing, I thought I was ready. I tried it by myself. It was awkward and a little disturbing at first but I think that day paved the way for my dream to come true. After applying for the position many times, I eventually got the call to come in for an interview. It was the happiest day of my life, that was until I got hit in the head with a brick. It scarred me for life. Then that was when I knew when my dream job would be over. My dream job as a phone sex operator. *sigh*

In other news........how are things in my life now? Same old bullshit. On and off relationships are boring. I have a friend that is a girl but not a girlfriend that I see like every other day. I haven't been drinking as much now. I think I'm having withdrawals. I'm going to my suicide support group less now, and I'm even a sponsor in my group now! I guess I'm an experienced suicidal person. Let me put that on my job resume. I'm thinking of having my slave aka sponsee wash my car this week. I think it'll be very motivational for both of us.

I'm going home next weekend to see my parents and spend the weekend with dad. I plan on taking him to Hooters on Saturday and getting him a lapdance on Sunday.

Well thats it. Nothing else new. But someday, SOMEDAY! I will be that phone sex operator! And I will give women millions of orgasms a day and get paid for it!

From Russia With Love

Happy Belated Death Day Jeffy

Reading this from beyond the grave
Lost 3 days ago and found 3 days later

Today is a midpoint, we still miss Jeff Buckley, listening to him playing his guitar and listening to his inappropriate jokes. Dedication. Remembrance. Unforgotten. Today.

How To Mend A Broken Heart?

Throw her lifeless body over the bridge.

But seriously, I find that if the relationship isn't fucked up near the end of the relationship then you have to fuck it up so the break up will be smooth. My logic may be fucked up, and I might be headed towards divorce court before I hit the altar, but that's me.

I don't think I ever had a broken heart. Relationships get my mind off the things I don't want to think about, so when it ends, I have nothing else to do but think about the things I don't want to think about. Kind of like doing cocaine, maybe not really like cocaine. Maybe a little like swallowing a lot of pills and washing it down with tequila then realizing that you forgot to tell your girlfriend that you're breaking up with her, but it's too late so you try to drive to see her to tell her but you're too messed up and you get in a car accident and near death and you try to call her on your cell but there's no signal, but she so happens to drive by you and sees you laying out of your car near death and she hears you say something so she comes closer to you in tears asking what you said, and you tell her in a raspy blood guzzling voice, "The relationship isn't working out", and you die. So it'll be something like that.