I'm Back.....

What a hellish few weeks I had. When a bad day turns into a bad week and then so on. I got really really depressed over the past few weeks. A few attempted slits of the wrist, a few calls to the suicide hotline and a meeting with my sponsor and I'm back to normal. Today is not a great day but it's a better day. I'm just surrounded by so much negativity that it's just bringing me down. I haven't been this bad in awhile. 2009 is starting off with a bang.

Over the past few weeks I thought about a lot of things including the impact my death would have on the people that care for me. I tried to compensate by thinking how my life would be much better if I wasn't in each and every one of their lives. Luckily I came back to my senses. I GOT MEDS!!!!!! Yummy meds. I'm poppin' them like skittles, safely, so far, sometimes.

I had so many things to write about over those weeks but I just lost interest in everything. I wanted to keep you guys updated and that I'm good. I don't know how much longer I'm going to keep writing to this blog. My interest in everything is starting to go away. The way I see things now, I'll probably start blogging less and less until I just won't blog anymore. But I'm still a little depressed so it just might be the depression and the meds talking.

Last weekend, one of my neighbors across the street had a heart attack and died. I never knew him but I always saw him.

But frankly, I'm tired of drowning my problems here, plus it's Friday the 13th. A day of fear for other people tends to put a smile on my face. Plus I have something to smile about, my girlfriend has been with me through this difficult time as well so I'll show her my thanks tomorrow. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with during my moods.

My next post will definitely be more upbeat whenever I write again. I'll try and get to everybody's blogs eventually. You know what's really ironic, I have my ipod on shuffle and it went to Peter Gabriel's "Don't Give Up". My sponsor gave me a list of songs to motivate me. So I look for Eminem's "Crack A Bottle" to give me some real motivation. That's my shit.

Have a happy 13th and a commerically corrupt day made up by the government called V-Day. Guess you know which movie I'm watching tonight.

Group Therapy

I'm left my support group today. After all this time with them and the people that we see there one day and disappear the next makes me feel I need a break from it all. We were all strangers when we entered the room, but at the end of the day we all became friends. Some of us were just passing by and we never knew if they "did it" or not because they kept silent and just listened. We never forced people to talk about it, we didn't even ask. They didn't have to say anything until they were ready to.

It's hard to get attached to people that at one point felt like offing themselves and at some point they might have a relapse and go over the edge. I remember getting close to someone and that person having a relapse and actually going through with it. I was shocked and a little angry and I don't wanna to go through that again. I feel as if I can no longer be a part of it and everybody involved with it. I didn't want to hear the news that John Smith went ahead and slit his wrist or overdosing. I've heard too many stories of failed attempts and the members coming back to describe what drove them over the edge.

It was a hard decision that I've been thinking about for awhile and I went ahead and announced it yesterday to the group. They were all really supportive of my decision and wished me the best. Now I have to go with what I learned and stay strong and support myself. It was hard letting go but I knew I had to forget them.

*update*

Well I'm in contact with 2 of the members. My mentor I still will talk to occasionally, and my protege I feel I have stay in contact with him until he feels he's ready.

Dream Job

When I was a younger, I had a big dream. After years and years of practicing, I thought I was ready. I tried it by myself. It was awkward and a little disturbing at first but I think that day paved the way for my dream to come true. After applying for the position many times, I eventually got the call to come in for an interview. It was the happiest day of my life, that was until I got hit in the head with a brick. It scarred me for life. Then that was when I knew when my dream job would be over. My dream job as a phone sex operator. *sigh*

In other news........how are things in my life now? Same old bullshit. On and off relationships are boring. I have a friend that is a girl but not a girlfriend that I see like every other day. I haven't been drinking as much now. I think I'm having withdrawals. I'm going to my suicide support group less now, and I'm even a sponsor in my group now! I guess I'm an experienced suicidal person. Let me put that on my job resume. I'm thinking of having my slave aka sponsee wash my car this week. I think it'll be very motivational for both of us.

I'm going home next weekend to see my parents and spend the weekend with dad. I plan on taking him to Hooters on Saturday and getting him a lapdance on Sunday.

Well thats it. Nothing else new. But someday, SOMEDAY! I will be that phone sex operator! And I will give women millions of orgasms a day and get paid for it!