Group Therapy

I'm left my support group today. After all this time with them and the people that we see there one day and disappear the next makes me feel I need a break from it all. We were all strangers when we entered the room, but at the end of the day we all became friends. Some of us were just passing by and we never knew if they "did it" or not because they kept silent and just listened. We never forced people to talk about it, we didn't even ask. They didn't have to say anything until they were ready to.

It's hard to get attached to people that at one point felt like offing themselves and at some point they might have a relapse and go over the edge. I remember getting close to someone and that person having a relapse and actually going through with it. I was shocked and a little angry and I don't wanna to go through that again. I feel as if I can no longer be a part of it and everybody involved with it. I didn't want to hear the news that John Smith went ahead and slit his wrist or overdosing. I've heard too many stories of failed attempts and the members coming back to describe what drove them over the edge.

It was a hard decision that I've been thinking about for awhile and I went ahead and announced it yesterday to the group. They were all really supportive of my decision and wished me the best. Now I have to go with what I learned and stay strong and support myself. It was hard letting go but I knew I had to forget them.

*update*

Well I'm in contact with 2 of the members. My mentor I still will talk to occasionally, and my protege I feel I have stay in contact with him until he feels he's ready.

Dream Job

When I was a younger, I had a big dream. After years and years of practicing, I thought I was ready. I tried it by myself. It was awkward and a little disturbing at first but I think that day paved the way for my dream to come true. After applying for the position many times, I eventually got the call to come in for an interview. It was the happiest day of my life, that was until I got hit in the head with a brick. It scarred me for life. Then that was when I knew when my dream job would be over. My dream job as a phone sex operator. *sigh*

In other news........how are things in my life now? Same old bullshit. On and off relationships are boring. I have a friend that is a girl but not a girlfriend that I see like every other day. I haven't been drinking as much now. I think I'm having withdrawals. I'm going to my suicide support group less now, and I'm even a sponsor in my group now! I guess I'm an experienced suicidal person. Let me put that on my job resume. I'm thinking of having my slave aka sponsee wash my car this week. I think it'll be very motivational for both of us.

I'm going home next weekend to see my parents and spend the weekend with dad. I plan on taking him to Hooters on Saturday and getting him a lapdance on Sunday.

Well thats it. Nothing else new. But someday, SOMEDAY! I will be that phone sex operator! And I will give women millions of orgasms a day and get paid for it!

Therapy

Hello, my name is Sick Fucking Bastard and I have a problem. I can't stop trying to die.

I found a help group. I've been appointed a suicide counselor. Each newbie gets to have an experienced member to help them out. My suicide counselor has tried to commit suicide only 4 times so I'm in good hands. He was telling me how he tried killing himself by jumping in front of cars to slitting his wrists. He told me that the repeated failed attempts made him realize that he needs to stay alive for something. Everytime I feel like death, I'd give him a call at any time of day to talk or come over. He told me he has his bad days but just thinking about what he always wanted to do keeps him pushing. He was telling me about his life and it's really messed up. His father killed his mother and none of his family wanted him so he was sent to foster homes and did drugs. The last time he felt the urge of death was when his father wrote a letter to him from prison apologizing for not being there for him. He said that it just brought back bad memories. His father sent the letter years ago and he hasn't seen or talked to his father since he was a kid. He has is own personal demons to get over. If I was in his shoes I don't know if I can ever forgive him.

Other than that news, my life on the other hand isn't as bad as his seems to be. I'm in better spirits now, BECAUSE I'M IN THERAPY! I'll come out this stronger, or die trying, sorry suicide humor. My first day was yesterday. With everybody telling their story of what was hurting them so much made me feel pain. It felt really uncomfortable, but emotion came over me and I was able to tell them the things that was hurting me. It felt really good to talk to strangers that are going through the same thing I'm going through. We have the meeting everyday at the same time so I'll try to go to as many as I can.