Happy New Years You Drunk Bastards!

My girlfriend's parents decided they wanted to meet my parents. They called us a couple of days ago acting nice and wanting to meet my parents, so they are going up sometime in January. I'm nervous. Why now? I guess I shouldn't have mentioned the Ouija Board Seance Party on Christmas Eve. It has to be the reason why they wanna see them. They can't seem to take a joke. It's not like we saw ghosts or danced with dead people. We tried though. They think I'm a bad influence on their daughter and son. What bullshit. I just brought some darkness into their light.

This is how I see her mother after meeting my parents



lol @ "it was so dark sided!"

I really hope her mother doesn't read my blog. If she didn't hate me then, she's gonna hate me now.

Her parents are religious hipsters while my parents are for peace and love and getting high. I told my parents this morning about what happened and they think it's funny. They can't wait for them to meet them. I know it's going to end on a really bad note. Probably a few fires and gunshots. My parents have a problem of speaking they're mind to openly, as does her parents, behind your back. I guess they want to meet them to see why people call me "normal". I say it was the hair.

In other fucked up news, New Years is just gonna be New Years for us. Going nowhere special. Not in the mood to get fucked up anymore. Just going to a party with friends and getting wasted. Wasted in a responsible way.

Happy New Year Everybody!

Slasher Fridays - Three Extremes

I hear this is a really cool movie. It's three short films on one movie. All of them have a really disturbing ending, but the first one is the most disturbing of them all. I heard what happens but I just need to see it for myself. People said the first one is about a woman who wants to stay young forever so she goes to this "witch doctor" lady who gives her these Dumplings. As time goes on, the lady feels and starts to become younger looking. She walks in the kitchen and notices what the lady's secret main ingredient to make these dumplings are.



Since Three Extremes is short, we're watching Frailty too. A movie about a guy who gets a message from God to kill all the bad people in his town. But here's the kicker. He gets his kids to join him in killing these people. It's rated R so it already gets 5 stars from me.



This is such a cool clip. It's one of the 3 Extremes. From the preview I guess its about a girl who killed somebody but was haunted throughout her life but comes back to try and find peace but peace comes at a price. I can't fucking wait to see this!

Mrs. Wrinkles And Her Fruit Cake

What is it with old people and fruit cakes? I started work again today and nympograndma got me a fruit cake. She left it for me while I was gone.

You all remember a few weeks ago when the old lady confessed her desire to do me. Well I haven't really seen her as much since then and she hasn't brought me any cakes or pies since I turned her down, poor me. But she got me a fruit cake and my girlfriend threw it out. I hate fruit cakes too but I wanted the pleasure of destroying it aka fire cracker in the middle. BM is still holding a grudge against her. Come on! She's fucking a 100 years old! I don't mind going out with older women but shit, she's older than my grandma. She could pass as being my grandmother's grandma. I don't see why BM is tripping. Could you imagine me actually having sex with a granny? Yeah, imagine it and be horrified like I was.

Ok that's enough imagination for today. I don't think I can ever get a erection again for a year after imagining that.

Well, that was an erection killing post.

We're All Bastards

So Christmas is over. We promised each other again that we wouldn't spend over $50 for each other. Considering that we are still broke from our anniversary and that we have to buy everybody else gifts too, that promise could happen. We ended up paying about $200 each. I got her a cool looking portable dvd player. I couldn't think of anything else! She got me a digital drum kit. We both put on our fake thank yous and agreed to go back to Best Buy today and get what we wanted for Christmas.

I got my parents a notebook computer. I really want my parents to get a blog because I know they are just as crazy as I am. My brother's present is waiting back at my parents house. He should arrive back home a couple of days after my parents. I made him a giant picture frame of me and him throughout the years growing up. I got my other brother who basically already has everything a gift card to Best Buy. He was the hardest person to shop for. I gave my sister Lost Season 1 and 2. She's a big fan of the series and always wanted to buy them.

Christmas with Ma and Pa Kettle wasn't as bad as I expected. I thought they were kidding about the caroling, but they got dressed and everything. So what the hell, I'll sing this once. People actually liked us singing. If somebody knocked on my door and started singing I'd slam the door in their face, but that's just me.

I gave her parents a gift card. I swear, I think her parents are regifters. I remember last year they were telling me about a dumb cigar cutter machine that looked stupid, then when I open my gift on Christmas, it's the same dumb machine! All I know is what they told me what it looked like, and it damn did look like it. At least I put some thought into my gift......of a gift card......I gave the gift to Mike since he's picked up the habit again. I just have to get it back whenever her parents come over. He told me it creeps him out so I think he's gonna forget to keep it and throw it away.



I gave her brother a McDonald's gift card, BUT WAIT! If somebody gave me a McDonald's gift card, I'd kick them in the ass, BUT he told me to get him one because he goes there every morning for breakfast and he needed to stop spending his money.

So that was my Christmas. Hope everybody else had a great one. I got back last night so I'm still a little worn. Happy Holidays. I'm already stocking up on liquor for New Years!

Slasher Fridays - The Shining

This was my pick. I haven't seen it in years but all I can remember from it is REDRUM. We're gonna watch it at Alex's. His girlfriend got him a big screen TV for Christmas, the bastard.

This is what it's gonna feel like when I go to my girlfriends parents house.



I can see that happening to me this Christmas weekend. Me riding a bike again inside the house. Here's how it would go.

Twins: Come play with us bastard
Me: Play what?
Twins: Play with us forever
Me: Uh, why you guys bloody like that?
Twins: And ever
Me: If it involves that ax then I don't wanna play.
Twins: Close your eyes bastard
Me: Remember what kimmyk said. It's just like pictures in a book bastard, it isn't real.......They are touching me!
Beyond Me: Wake up you dumbass. You fell asleep drunk on the park bench again.

4 Days Until Christmas

Anti Christmas

I'm as evil as I wanna be.

Fresh baked gingerbread man cookies. Leaving "Santa" the cookies and a cup of warm milk. Waking up early in the morning to see the looks on the kids face is just priceless.

Christmas is too commercialized. You see these people in lines telling you to "Fuck off" and "Kiss my ass" while buying the latest Sesame Street toy for their kids. You wonder if people even know what Christmas is about anymore.

It feels as if my life is being pulled in a million directions. I can honestly tell you that my life a year from now will be nothing like it is now, and I have no idea what I'll be doing. All I know is that the direction I'll be going will happen within a couple of months. Hopefully nothing will change but it's looking more and more unlikely.

I think it's just the anger and the headache talking now.

Scrooge

This is already turning out to be the worst Christmas ever. I hate life.

Christmas With The Waltons

I or should I say she decided that we were going to spend Christmas with her parents this year. I'm planning on:

1. Having to sleep on their plastic covered furniture
2. Eating soy enhanced turkey
3. Listening to Alvin and The Chipmunks Christmas music the entire time
4. Being forced to wear elf ears
5. Being forced to smile
6. Doing the dreaded caroling from door to door with people around the neighborhood.

And whats sad about all of this is that this what her mom told me what would be going on. It's gonna suck but I haven't spent Christmas with them before so it might be fun. I read that back to myself and cry a little.

I plan on doing volunteer work at a soup kitchen while I'm there with my girlfriend so that should be cool.

Welcome To Hellmart!

I can't do it anymore. I can not go to Hellmart and deal with another asshole ever again! I went to Walmart knowing that everybody would be pissed off but I just minded my own business and tried to get a parking spot. I had to park like a mile away, but I wasn't gonna let that get me down. I go in and get the groceries and wait in the 20 items or less line. Leave it to me to find the asshole customer that has 2 shopping carts and separates the food into 20 item increments. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! And the cashier still checks him out.

I didn't want to start a scene this time again but I just couldn't get over the 2 shopping carts. Just wanted you all to know that I did say "Excuse Me" first then tapped him on the shoulder. I directed him to the sign above his head saying 20 items or less, politely. Then the redneck motherfucker pushed me and directed me to his middle finger. Touché. There goes my "not letting Hellmart get me down again" attitude.

What could I do? I couldn't attack the guy. At least not in front of the security cameras. But he gave me the finger! I can't just let it slide. There is something called respect and clearly I gave him all the respect until he gave me the finger. Everything after that was a blur. I can't really remember what happened next but whatever I did, he told the cashier to just ring up what she already has and he'll go in the other line. Now I feel bad. Another register opened up so the guy was able to get in the RIGHT LINE! I don't feel bad. Who was the guy feeding anyways, the blob? Who really needs over 10 cases of butter? No, I was wrong here. I should've just let it slide. It's the holidays damn it. Walmart brings out the worst in people. In my case, the murderous rampage worst.

But I kind of laugh now at the situation. All I had was about 12 things. I was in and out of hell within a half hour. 5 minutes to find a parking space, 5 minutes to walk to the store, 10 minutes to get everything and wait in line, 5 minutes to get lost in the parking lot, 5 minutes to finding my keys.

Don't Worry, It's Only Monday!

Updates:

Of course dinner with the neighbors last week went on without anybody being killed or eaten. The food was good. I remember when I was a kid and I saw the movie Aliens. My stomach was hurting really bad and for the longest I thought an alien was going to pop out of my stomach. I had to fess up to my mom that I watched the movie and that I needed emergency surgery because I need to remove an alien baby out of my tummy. Those were the days. Horrific child nightmares involving alien conception.

Christmas is soon, I think. I still don't know where I'm going. My girlfriend wants to spend it at her parents house. My parents and sister are going south for Christmas. The family lost contact with my brother a couple of weeks ago. I can't get in contact with him either. Don't worry, he isn't dead. He always does this. He would disappear for weeks and just show up out of nowhere. He's been talking about coming here for Christmas, yikes. My other brother wants to invite me and my girlfriend down to spend Christmas with his family. He does have a giant HDTV. Of course being with family would be great but he has a big screen TV! I don't know if I can have a Mormon like Christmas with my girlfriends uptight parents. I love them though BM, don't hit me.

Speaking of Christmas, I have to get some first minute gifts. I save my last minute gifts for Christmas morning. I'm going to the mall to pick up some stuff then head over to Hell Mart to pick up some food tomorrow.

Slasher Fridays - The Butterfly Effect

Have you ever wondered if you were able to go to the past and change something from ever happening? Knowing the future and changing the past would be a dream come true, but it would have consequences. What if that change you did was not supposed to change? What you change altered not only that person's life, but it destroyed others including yourself. So you go back into the past trying to fix it over and over again, but you seem to be making it worst each time. Turns out that changing the past to have a better future made everybody's future including yours much worst that it ever was before. You slowly start going insane until you come to the conclusion that if you were never born, perhaps maybe, you could save countless lives by ending yours. So you have to come with a decision. Should ending your life in the sake of others be helpful in its own way? No way you can ever tell. So I guess it's best life is left up to bad luck and good luck. You get what's coming to you, I guess.

The Female Body

From the tips of your hair down to the tips of your toes, the female body is so smooth to the touch. From the breast down around your back, the female body, ummmm, so smooth to the touch.

Oh yeah, dinner with the neighbors wasn't as bad as I expected. I held tightly to the butter knife they gave us just in case I had to use it.

Food, Sex & A Little Cannablism

Our neighbors invited us over for dinner tomorrow. I guess she'll have to put the gangbangs off a bit until after we leave then. Or we could be involved in the orgy. I'd be honored.

Her husband scares me still. I hear he killed 20 people last year. I don't even bother saying "hey" to him anymore when I see him. I feel the less he sees me the less idea he has of turning my body parts to lamps.

I think so highly of my neighbors. I think the husband is a killer and the wife is a hooker. I can only imagine what they think of us:

I've been thinking. Maybe they are inviting us over to kill us because we know they are crazy. Maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe I'm the one who sniffed the markers and gasoline way too much, hmmmm.....
But I'm looking forward to eating or being eaten. Do note that I'm high in cholesterol and have no nutritious value at all, except in my dick, ha ha.

But what do I wear at a cannibal's dinner? Do I salt myself? Marinate my body in butter? I'm new at cannibal etiquette. I'm sure it'll be a blast! I'll just alert the police when I leave so they can knock the door down after 20 minutes and arrest them. Knowing my luck, I'd drop a crack pipe and 50 bags of pot.

What a post. If tomorrow's dinner is anything like that then it's gonna freakin' rock!

Merry Christmas

click the title

Title Untitled

Somewhere Elsewhere.

It Didn't Work Again!

We made it about a half hour until into the movie and we just said fuck it. With no heat in an abandoned house made it really hard to stay there. So we just walked to our cars the long way. Instead of just walking back on the road, we walk through the woods to our cars.


With my girlfriend being anti pictures, she took the camera and took a picture of what was left of us. We lost the rest of the gang. Some of them were in the other rooms and outside and I thought somebody else told them that we were leaving, oops. I guess they'll realize we left or got butchered by some crazy hobo ghost. So we had to wait for them. I guess one of us could've gone back into the woods to get them but we all knew how they journey ends in horror movies. "Yeah, go in the dark creepy woods looking for your friends. Nobody ever gets killed that way."

We ended up starting a fire and just camping out by our cars. I had to go back in the woods with Poindexter and Mike to get the slackers while Alex stayed with the girls, the pussy. When we got there, nobody was there. Poindexter was going up the stairs when he saw blood on the steps. Obvious prank, so old school. We heard some knocking on the wall outside. 2 stars for that prank. I was getting tired of it and just wanted to go back (I wasn't scared). As we started leaving, the bastards came out. I asked them where they got the fake blood and they told me what fake blood. Poindexter showed it to them and they didn't know where it came from. And on that note we walked pretty fast out the door. A lot of people go into that house so somebody must've just cut themselves or ......REDRUM REDRUM.....The blood was dry so it was there for awhile.

Back to the cars we go. They admitted to the banging on the wall but not the blood. Poindexter was saying that when we get back to our cars, everybody there will be dead or missing. I hope not, my girlfriend has my keys. We get back to our cars and just hang out which I don't get at all. We leave the house because it's too cold so we go outside instead? I guess that's why I still can't feel my toes or fingers today.

We ended up crashing at Alex's place and made some Vodcolate (Old Poindexter Underground Recipe). Then we were just too fucked up for words after that. It taste really good going down but taste like the worst rotting shit as it comes back up. I regret having 4 shots. I can still feel it churning in my stomach. Never ever again, well maybe next week. I was one of the few that made it to 4 shots. Poindexter and his iron stomach made it to 6.

Now I know that having a cold and having a hangover is such a downer, and my cold is getting a little worst as the day goes on. I'll be out of it for next couple of days. This medicine I'm on is starting to kick in and now I'm getting sleepy again.

Slasher Fridays - Blair Witch & Seance 2

After our failed seance before, we've decided to make it more interesting. We are going to this "supposed" haunted house tonight. We have Poindexter's portable DVD player and we are all going to huddle up together in the haunted house and watch The Blair Witch Project and do the seance then. We are seeing some spirits this time damn it! If we have to make human sacrifices than I'm ok with that.

We'll try not to get arrested for breaking and entering, and we'll probably be drinking too to top it all off. And if the cops do come by, I plan on tripping the weakest link so I could make my escape. I can see it now. Us imitating the scene from the Blair Witch where everybody is running in the woods with a camera and getting lost. I'll blog on tree bark until I find myself back. My girlfriend's brother is coming for this one too.

Rantings Of A Bad Day!

motherfuck motherfuck motherfuck motherfuck and fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and fuck your little dog too aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh all fucking bullshit!

You know, blogging your feelings is much better than having your fist show your feelings.

When I get angry I just take a long drive until I'm calm. Couldn't do that because of the traffic! FUCK! I can't even escape it! And leave it to me to be stuck in my car having a bad day trying to relax but can't because of the traffic then you have this person in the car beside you shouting because you won't let him in but WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO IF I CAN'T MOVE DUMBASS! Excuse me muthafucka, should I squeeze my car in between the cars just so you can pull in?

Ok, so traffic finally cleared up and I was able to not kill the driver, and not let him through of course. I was able to relax and just think. Thoughts are not good nowadays. I'm really stressed. Time with my friends and family seems to be the only thing keeping me together. If I lose either one of them then my life will be back to what was years ago, depressed.

My girlfriend is making hot chocolate for me. She knows that relaxes me. I tell her to replace the milk for the hot chocolate with vodka, I need to be out for this one.

You've Got Mail!

Spammer Memory Brought Back From A Certain Firestarter

I have a friend that was almost bought into scamming. He got an email saying that he'll win a lot of money or a cruise to the Bahamas. He took the bait saying what are the chances of winning. So he gave this unknown spammer his phone number so the spammer can call him if he won.

Big surprise, he won. Within a couple of days of applying he won. The spammer on the other line told my friend that he won the cruise to the Bahamas. All he needed was his social security number, name and address to send the confirmation to. My friend was not that happy. He wanted the money. He asked the spammer if the next caller can get the cruise and he could get the money. The spammer hung up the phone. Of course the phone number would be unavailable. He was hoping that the phone got disconnected somehow and the spammer was going to call back, but that's been over 2 years ago. Call me crazy but I don't think the spammer was giving out any money or cruises in the first place. Call it a lesson learned. Now only if he'd given out his social then he could be chilling on a cruise to the Bahamas.

I just listened to the video below and I wanted to blow my brains out. Enjoy!

Rent Control Now Available!

I was telling my parents about screwing an old lady and they were telling me the complex I wanted to move into when I was living there has a rent control apartment available. The former elderly owner had a little accident. Apparently she got in a accident and they had to take her license away. Her kids caught wind of this and weren't happy. They decided to take care of her, so she moved in with one of her kids. And they say car accidents are bad.

I remember that old lady too. It was like she reached a certain age and just didn't get older. I swear she has to be approaching 200 years old. She used to give me a quarter if I helped her take her groceries up the stairs. Wow, a quarter. I can buy a gumball or half a hand full of M&M's. My family always liked her. I thought she was a few nuts away from a psychotic killer breakdown. I believe she still feeds her dead cat. Nice lady, a little loco, but nice.

I really wanted to move in there. The area was perfect and everything, well it was within a few miles of my parents, bummer. But it's RENT CONTROL! I couldn't move even I wanted too. I'm stable where I am, and my girlfriend most definitely will not move. Plus I gotta at least wait for my hooker neighbor to get caught cheating by her husband.

Well, the thought of it was fun for about 10 seconds. I'm pretty sure somebody took it already. Things like that don't stay available for long.

Granny Wants To Love Me Long Time

An old lady that I've known for about year wanted to fuck me today. All I could do was laugh and say that I'm already taken. But she was dead serious. And she kept pushing me. This has to be the first time I had to turn down sex.

All along she was coming to my job to just see me. How can I not see this?

Clues That I Missed:

1) She calls me at my job and talks about her really personal life.
2) When she comes to my job she hugs me, very close. I could feel her boobs on me, and she never wore a bra. Eeewwww
3) She grabbed my ass a few times at work
4) She would always ask if I'm working
5) She made me a few cakes
6) She gave me her number repeatedly.
7) Called my girlfriend a whore or a dike every time I'd mention her.

Clue That I Got:

1) I want you to do me.

That was what really took me by surprise. She just came right out and said it. I know I'm hot and all but DAMN!!!!! Her grandson is 12 years younger than I am.

Everybody was telling me that she likes me but I couldn't believe it. She's an old lady, what can she do with me? I'm a wild child. I feel so violated. All the times she looked at me. She probably imagined me naked! For a year!

I'm just naturally a flirt so she might've taken that the other way. When I told my girlfriend what happened she laughed. I think I can hear her still laughing now. Work will never be the same. How can I look at her now without trying to put more clothes on or covering up my privates? This is definitely not right, so uncool.

Slasher Fridays! - Child's Play

It's slasher Friday and tonight's pick is Child's Play. Stuff like this scared me to death as a kid. Now I get off of dolls killing people. Wow I'm fucked up. I blame CBS.